Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you have led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And, poof! she is gone.
The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna." And, poof! she is gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter is perplexed. "Sara who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and hands it back, chuckling: "No, sister. The paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in six months."
(If you laughed, you are going straight to hell.)
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A male whale and a female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they notice a whaling ship. The male says, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and, sure enough, the boat turned over and sank. But the crewmen started swimming toward shore, which angers the male whale.
"Let's swim after them and gobble them up," he tells the female whale. But he notices she is not following.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"Look," she says, "I went along with the blow job but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
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My favorite phrase today is pig ribs. N., with honeysuckle sauce. Def.: Same as pork ribs, only with hair.
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