A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets and boots; BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."So, from now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" His wife promptly took off all her clothes. When he yelled "BELL 2!", his wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a couple of minutes, his wife yelled "BELL 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is BELL 4?"
"Roll out more hose," she replied. "You're nowhere near the fire!"
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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Pastor asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All raised their hands except for one.
"Mrs. Neely?," the Pastor continued. "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?" the Pastor said.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
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A college student was infatuated with a freshman, but he was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt as insignificant as a pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder."
("Ewwww".)
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My favorite phrase today is poor listener. N., whut you say? Def.: One who has Van Gogh's ear for music.
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