Here Comes the Money from Bill

When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie that's a mooner. I don't know where I got this. It is just short of classic, though. You gotta believe it.



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By Maude Frickert



I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.



Thanks to you, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer have any savings because I gsve it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hopital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email program.



Because of a tip from you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.



I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pasttime while driving alone is picking your nose.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.



I send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even thought I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someoe will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have thier secret recipe.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



If you don't forward this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.



Have a wonderful day.



Oh, by the way.....



A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with one hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.....



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My favorite word today is originality. N., look what I (and two other guys) dreamed up all by myself. Def.: Undetected plagiarism.