Oldie Goodies

Here are new-or-ancient stingers:

Gladstone, member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

Disraeli responds: "That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of inadequacy." --Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner, writing about Ernest Hemingway.

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway, about William Faulkner.

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." --Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --Thomas Brackett Reed.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde.

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Christmas cards for the psychiatrically challenged:

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and....

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me.

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My favorite word today is dye. N., part of the Tool and Dye Works. Def.: What occurs when she sees her first strands of gray hair.