Like Maggots in Hot Grease

Like, if we're not open we're, like, closed. Pay attention.

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How about some "Worst Analogies from High School Essays":

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse witrhout one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."

"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."

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This is How Pilots Should Talk, according to me.

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My favorite phrase today is twice-told tales. N., like something out of Aesop's Fables. Relating a funny story to someone without remembering it was he who told it to you in the first place.