This Is The Gas

Famous Painting Stolen

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when he ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

"I had no Monet

"To buy Degas

"To make the Van Gogh!"

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

Thanks, Vicki!

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A nun is on her way to the park, and she decides to take her sketching pencils. She cannot find her case, so she plops them into a paper bag.

Walking toward the park she sees she is passing by a major building construction project. Unfortuntely (in her view) she can hear the workers talking, and about every other word is a swear word.

She pauses, then decides to teach them something about God. She yells to the men working on the ground level of the building, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?!!"

The men shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and called, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers called back, "No we don't. Why?"

The workers yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch!"

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My favorite phrase today is multiple personalities. N., ever heard of Bridey Murphy? Def.: If a person with this disease threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

Being Old Has Its Benefits

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, that I would entertain it, and let her know.

Old Age, I have decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not with this body. I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror. But I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly concrete gecko that I didn't need but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon, before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep til noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50s, 60s and 70s and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But, there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you aget older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, in answer to your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I will eat dessert every single day.

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My favorite phrase today is bums away. Adj., hallelujah I'm a bum, hallelujah bums away.... Def.: In the 1300s, the Tartars gathered up the bodies of people who had died of anthrax poisoning and catapulted them into enemy fortresses.

I've Heard of Blind, But......

This is just a reminder: I am still substituting over at Tisha's Place in case you wanna put in a look-see.

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This moose needs to see his local opthalmologist. Not only is that a buffalo (bison for purists) he is trying to play games with, but it is a BRASS buffalo, located, no doubt, somewhere near Moosejaw.

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Here's how to fix up the airlines, which has got so many woe is me-s.

First all, dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What they hey -- they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of their tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, but saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane -- maybe have them kick back 20% of the tips, including what they get for lap dances and "special services."



Here's a bonus: Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right, a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself.

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There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are four animals: King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey. They almost pass by, but then they decide to have a competition to see who is the fastest to get a banana from the tree. Whom do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. You have 15 seconds to decide.

Scroll down to see the analysis.









If your answer is:

Orangutan.....you are dull

Ape......Foolish

Monkey.....Idiot

King Kong.....Stupid.

Why???? It's a coconut tree. It doesn't have bananas.

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My favorite phrase today is small feet. N., don't tread on me. Def.: The things women have. It's one of those "evolutionary" things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

The Birds and the Stamens

I think it is high (and nigh) time that I showed you some of the grounds where we live here in Oregon. This here is the southwest corner of the backyard. The purple doozies are exotic lilac -- like your basic lilac without the aroma. There is no grass in the backyard, just potted plants. That way we don't have to mow and put noxious/nauseous fumes into the air from the old lawnmower. Sylvia is mostly smart like that.


This here is Viburnum with Birds. This is about at the center of the ol' backyard. Hanging to the right of the plant is a bird feeder with American Goldfinches in attendance.


And here is Rhododendron with Birds, American Goldfinches again, by cracky. This is a different feeder. In sum total we have four, plus three for hummingbirds. Why that is, I don't know, since we only have two hummingbirds. So it goes.

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Have you heard the old one about the beating of a butterfly's wings can cause chaos? Or something like that. Here's a butterfly than can put a huge hole in your roof.

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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery of Art was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black wseenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized they wee having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert that the curator of the gallery?" asked one of the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three normally white coal miners, and the guy in the middle just went home for lunch."

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My favorite phrase today is get away from it all. Adj., some idyllic evening. Def.: A place where forest rangers don't go.

A Perfect Posted Rabbit

I love the First of the Month, for it gives me opportunities to rabbit rabbit and to introduce you to my latest Perfect Post. Here is Rabbit! Rabbit!



You all know the drill: You say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of the month, and pretty soon you got fricassee. No....wait....that's wrong. What you got is good luck for the whole month long. Right. I knew I had that screwed up.

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This also is when we award the Perfect Post. This was dreamed (dreamt?) up by Momma K and Lucinda. These awards go to writers of scintillating b**gs, such as: Paul Nichols.

Paul has listed for us how many church folks, of the various denominations, it takes to change a lightbulb. I loved it....

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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Party. We turned on a night light, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat, having coming around the house, scoots inside. Now, we didn't want the cut shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi while I went inside the get the cat out. The cat goes upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to Mother."

A few minutes later I get into the cab. "Sorry to take so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard."

Then the cab driver hit a parked car.

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My favorite word today is soap. N., do you remember Gramma's lye soap, good for everything in the home? Def.: What mother uses to wash the hands of a deaf person who says a naughty word.

Speed Is Only Good for Speed

A C-130 freight airplane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 pilot flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" -- and he promptly went into a barrel role, followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive. But watch this!"

The C-130 droned on for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

(When you're young and foolish, speed and flash may seem a good thing. When you get older and smarter, comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!)

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A clever way to shut her up.

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Snow White received a digital camera as a gift. So she took pictures of the dwarfs and the forest creatures and she quickly filled her memory card.

She didn't have a printer, so she took the card to a store to have the photos printed.

She returned a few days later and was told there had been a malfunction and her prints would be late. Snow White was so disappointed that she wept.

The store clerk tried to console her, saying, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

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My favorite word today is garnish. N., do I have to eat this? Def.: What they always do to the parsley farmer.

Don't They Got Alligators in Florida?

A Cajun walks into a bar with his pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, then turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this event, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd roared their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth, and the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman spoke up: "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

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Now, then, you know Ol' Hoss is into "cute," way way into it. If'n you don't believe, take a look at this dance.

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Today started off badly for Sam. His alarm clock was off by 30 minutes, which made him run late. Then the coffee maker was on the fritz so he had to heat some water and drink a cup if instant. So he's in a bit of a hurry on the way to work and ended up rear-ending a car.

He knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day when the driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf!

The dwarf looked up at Sam and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So Sam said, "Well, which one are you, then?"

That's how the fight started.

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My favorite word today is jolly. Adj., maybe he was Dopey? Def.: How Santa feels because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The Doctors Tell All

Some people might think this picture is a composite, but I swear this photo is pure as the driven snow. So it goes, John says.

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Here are some real honest-to-goodness doctor/nurse/patient stories. (Real, as in "according to me".)

A man goes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" Dr. Mark MacDonald of San Francisco says he grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, he noticed: 1. There were other cabs parked there; and 2. He was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of his shift, Dr. Richard Byrnes of Seattle says he placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," he instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf of Detroit was performing his rounds one morning and while checking up on a patient asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?" The patient replied, "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." When he asked to see the jelly, the woman produced a foil packet labled "KY Jelly."

A new, young MD doing his residency (and who declined use of his name) says he was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of softly whistling. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, which further embarrassed the doctor. He looked up from his work and said, sheepishly, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

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Here's a new book for women to suggest to their husbands: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong."

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An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

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My favorite word today is nyaaah. N., sort of a space saver. Def.: The 'n' with which cheap advertising copywriters replace the word "and" (as in "fish 'n' chips," "mix 'n' match," and "assault 'n' battery") in the mistaken belief that this is somehow chummy or endearing.

Birds I Have Seen on High

I have collected a few pictures from our backyard, some better than others. Judging by my previous entry, you know I am a bird watcher from way back. This here bird also is a bird watcher and also a bird chaser: a sharp-shinned hawk, notorious for feasting on small birds.



This here peeper is a red-shafted flicker. Nice size to this fella. He's not supposed to be able to sup from these feeders, but try to tell him that.



This mourner is a mourning dove, with a song that indeed makes you think you're at gramma's wake. And they don't sound a damn bit better when they're sober. Mourning Doves is one of Ol' Hoss's favorite bird mothers.



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Earlier this year the Quebec City newspaper had a feature about generations by age group. Generations were grouped as follows:

The Silent Generation (a.k.a. the Greatest Generation), people born before 1945.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

Generation X, people born betrween 1961 and 1976.

Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989. Generation Y people are the easiest to spot: See below.



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It doesn't matter which political party you belong to -- you're in for it. For instance, on Canadian TV was a comic who says he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep," he said. "I miss ol' Bill. He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black president. No. 1, he played the sax. No. 2, he smoked weed. And No. 3, he had his way with ugly white women.

"Even now? Look at him: His wife works and he doesn't, and he gets a check from the government ever' month.

"Some big manufacturers announced today they will stocking America's grocery shelves this week with 'Clinton Soup,' in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water."

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My favorite word today is evolution. N., it's everywhere! Def.: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A Fistful of Hummers

This lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water, and this is the result:



And here's some more of the same, closeup:



The woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana. She has been studying the hummingbirds daily and one morning put the cup with the feeder, with sugar water in it, in her hand. They had gotten used to her standing by the feeder so they came to her hand. She says as they touch her they are as light as a feather. And she adds if she had known her husband was taking pictures she would have put on some makeup! (Who would have noticed?)



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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs and pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market known as "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available almost everywhere. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them, no strings attached.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desire to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted. And after drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, except with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

On some occasions these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the woman administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

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My favorite word today is brilliant. Adj., on the order of Einstein. Def.: Reading stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

This Is Some Kind of Oasis

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the two surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest said, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. Then he adds, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well," she said, "under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts.

"Sister," he said, "would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father, may I touch it?" The Priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, do you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?"

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Oh, Father, that's wonderful. Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

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Did you know there is a mighty big difference between men's brains and women's brains? The findings are here.

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My favorite word today is kiltered. N., on the good ship wobbly-popped. Def.: The fourth wheel of a Safeway cart which looks identical to the other three but renders the cart completely uncontrollable.

Multiplicity Works

I have not lately told you about my Hit Parade:

"My Melancolicky Baby"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"

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This here deer is getting a free lift across Lake Okaheetee, in Florida. It comes courtesy of a 23-foot alligator that has a serious case of the munchies....I think. If you want a serious look, click the picture to enlarge.

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When you get hungry in the library, there's only one thing to do.

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Two elderly residents, an old sailor and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old sailor looked over and said to the lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old sailor continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady gives him some quizzical eyebrows, then starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a $20 bill and holds it up.

"So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old sailor.

"Get serious," she says. "Four times in the rocker."

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When you've got 8 seconds to spare, go Ice Fishing

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My favorite word today is feebleology. N., there's no pill for it yet. Def.: Something which doctors will tell us that we're suffering from; i.e., the newest disease from Africa.

But Are There Brocs in Broccoli?

Let's face it: English is a crazy language. F'rinstance, I never had no cowboy leg. I never had my carbon burning my black bowel.

Furthermore, there is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses than run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?"

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My favorite word today is wammy. Adj., warm and slightly clammy. Def.: Descriptive of your hands after the automatic drying machine has turned itself off and left you just damp enough to make it embarrassing if you have to shake hands with somebody immediately afterward.

Was Jesus Ever in a Hurry?

Official Republican Party Campaign Car

This has been designed to keep up with the way McCain is laying out the Party's campaign message.

"A New Direction."

You figure it out. Scamp has a headache.

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have accelerated through the red right.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a knocking on her car window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. He ordered her to exit the car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.


"I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license-plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the fender. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

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When I was born, Big Ernie gave me two choices:

2. I could either have a GREAT memory,

OR

2. I could be GREAT in bed!!



Oh, poop, up the crick without a paddle!! Now I forgot what I wuz gonna tell ya.

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My favorite word today is eei*%$#sumbiatch$%^+#. Adj., holy hell! Def.: The expression on a man's face when he has just zipped up his pants without due care and attention.

Question Me This

Psychiatrists and Advice Columnists have trouble fitting in. According to me.



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Dear Hoss:

My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Half-Crazed in Cleveland

Dear Half:

No, it is the psychiatrist who is crazy. No doctor works that cheap.

Dear Hoss:

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Pronged in Pocono

Dear Two Cards Short:

If your pronger looks like Yoda but the baby doesn't, I'd be a little suspicious.

Dear Hoss:

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Befuddled in Baltimore

Dear Fuddle:

I doubt it. Anyone who is mean and short-tempered has lost all her mentals.

Dear Hoss:

Our son writes that he is studying Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Yours in Jesus the Son

Dear Sonny:

Judo is not a religion (it is one of the few words in the English language that somebody has not prayed to, on or about.) Judo is a way of pouring coffee at Starbuck's.

(Here's somebody else who seems to be out of place.)


Dear Hoss:

I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Lack-a-Moolah in Lackawanna

Dear Lacking:

Start out slowly. Discuss little things, like pounds and rubles and francs. As soon as his eyes glaze over, hand him a bill.

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My favorite word today is screech! N., I can't stand this!!! Def.: The ghastly sound made by owls and beginning violinists.

Working on My Pile

I had to replace a light bulb in the kitchen today, but Scamp told me I was too old and clumsy to be standing on a ladder. So, I asked a neighbor. Then I held the ladder while the light bulb was being replaced. I may be oldt, but I yam not stupidity.



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It has been quite some time since I worked on My Pile. Most of you know about Making My Pile. This is what I need to do to finance rental space on a rocket ship to carry my dead bones out to distance space, where I will double as a new planet. I figure I can reincarnate just as well from there as anywhere.

The source of My New Pile is a diet plan, which was suggested to me by those Texans in Singapore. This is not just any old diet plan. No sirree, this is the Ol' Hoss Genuine Pounds Off System with guarantees like you never ever heard none of.

The key is Ol' Hoss's Manipulative Balloon, which I am just now inventing. See, what you do is you get a balloon with a long tail (esophagus?) on it (patent pending). You swallow the balloon,leaving the end of the neck at your lips, then blow it up nice and plump. This will make you feel full, which is a nice fulling. This will last you a whole meal. Then when it's time for your next meal, you swallow the balloon, digest it, and eat a normal chicken pot pie or liver and onions. I expect some of my clients will want to eat two puffy balloons a day, they will be that good.

All that's waiting now is a formula for my digestible balloon. Any ideas you got, pass 'em along. I was thinking of corn sugar, but corn has gotten way too expensive. I figure we can get $2.95 apiece for these dudes.

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I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" (This is not asking too much since I am already 77 & 185/365ths.

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" I said "Nope." So he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun," he persisted, "like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach? Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

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My favorite phrase today is The Sound Machine. N., oh so melodious. Def.: The whistling, chanting and humming sounds you make when seated in a public lavratory. It is your way of telling a newcomer there is no lock on the door and he can't come in.

Your Baby Needs a Hug

Instructions for properly hugging a baby:

1. First, find a baby.


2. Second, be sure the object you found was indeed a baby by employing Class "C" Sniffing Techniques.


3. You will need to flatten the baby before beginning the hugging process.


4. "The Paw Slide": Simply slide your paws around the baby and prepare for possible closeup.


5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult "hug, smile and lean," so as to achieve the best photo quality.


6. If you don't pass this along, a dog will pee on your computer.












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Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts down the runway, and the passengers begin to become sore afraid as the water at the end of the airstrip nears.

With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit the pilots high-five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're going to scream too late and we're all gonna die."

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My favorite phrase today is beauty parlor. N., let me know when you get beautiful. Def.: A place where women curl up and dye.

A Friend in Need.....

Susan: Send me an email so I can tell you how to find Christine. Thanks. My email is mbenditem@msn.com. Gene Maudlin

The Poor Box Takes a Beating

Dr. Seuss could always ruffle my feathers, and he's done so here (except somebody else did this because The Doctor is out -- way out. If you want copies of these to read, you will have to go to Bob's Dirty Book Store. $6.95 each is what I paid last.)













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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the Poor Box."

The Irishmen left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the Poor Box. He paused for a moment, then started to leave.

The priest, who had been watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Poor Box."

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

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My favorite phrase today is recessional hymn. N., what's the name of the guy with no arms and no legs who is hanging on the wall? Art. Def.: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left.

Rabbitry! Rabbitry!

You say Rabbit Rabbit on the first of the month and all month long you will have good luck. I have been doing this for months now, and I am still living. What better luck could I have?

Oh, and April foolishness to you!

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The first of the month is also when we award the Perfect Post, which goes this time from me to Monty. She does a really fantastic job on a book review, no less, which strikes home to her. Go see it here.

For a complete list of Perfect Posts for March, go see either Petroville or Suburban Turmoil. These people are Kimberly and Lucinda.

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Here's an exercise plan for people 50 and over (that's just about everybody except Tisha, Petroville, Lucinda and the Spazz. Well, there's also Judy's Brag and Indy's Mom and Just Mom, and Paul Nichols, and the Paddy Whacker.....I guess there's quite a few of you young twirps hanging on).

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacis and then eventually truy to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand! and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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A lot of folks can't understand how we have an oil shortage in this country.

There's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas and a few bitty other places.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, D.C.

Any questions? I didn't think so.

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My favorite word today is manger. N., no crib for his head. Def.: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO, proving that holiday travel is always tough.