Here are your tips for a successful Holiday feed:1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door, where they are having rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Like fine, single-malt scotch, it's rare. You will not find it any other time of year. Prosit!
3. If something comes with gravy, eat it. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Eat the potatoes. Repeat.
4. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of Christmas dining is to eat other people's food for free.
5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. Your belly will get too small for fruitcake.
6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes: If you leave them behind, you will never see them again.
7. Did I mention fruitcake? Sorry about that. Granted, it is loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. Prove that you have standards that do not include eating the doorstop.
8. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party, you haven't been paying attention. Reread these tips, and start over.
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My favorite word today is sex. N., let's hear it for testosterone. Def.: A bad thing that rumples clothes.
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