Bother Me No Mind

The LA Police Department recently upgraded its computer network. Included was software to track open cases. Sgt. Joe Friday was chosen to coordinate the transition to the new software.

At the end of one presentation, a woman asked, "How do you know so much about the software? Did you read the company's entire site?" she asked.

Sgt. Friday quickly responded, "Just the FAQs, ma'am."

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Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at about $5,000 a month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year -- I must have spent 400 bucks. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

We all get heavier when we get older. That's because there's lots more information in our heads.

And every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour somewhere and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

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Boy howdy. Here's some power to the people.

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My favorite word today is dungeon. N., where you can get up a chain gang. Def.: This is usually a bad place to be, but some days when there's a real bad storm outside you'd probably look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."