What It Is, What It Was, What It Isn't

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, says:

"Well, that's great, that's really great. Now some asshole's got my pen."

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Would you believe that not everybody makes the U.S. Olympic Squad. No, they can't. Some are inept, like as seen here.

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My b**g buddy Jana thinks she wants to know more about me. She is mistaken, but I'm going to rat myself out anyway. She asked where did I go to collitch and what was my first job. (Well, ahem, I love to talk about me.)

Actually, I didn't go to college. I went to university (big deal). It was Willamette University in Salem, OR, which was the first university west of the Mississippi, or maybe west of the Rockies. It doesn't matter -- the school was the same no matter when it was est'd. I was president of the freshman class. (More big deals.) I almost got an A in biology. (Almosts don't count. You got a B, Mr. Horseknuckles.)

My first job was as a news reporter in Albany, Oregon. Actually, at the time I wasn't looking for a job because I had this neat deal at the Travel Information Division of the Highway Department, where I mailed brochures and maps to chambers of commerce all over the state. But somehow the word got out that I had graduated, so somebody blabbed my name to the Albany Democrat-Herald, and they snatched me up.

Interestly enough, four years later the Travel Information Division re-hired me, this time as an Assistant Director. But I can see this is getting into my second job, so enough's enough.

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A fairy princess dreamed of becoming a ballerina. One day, she read an announcement that the Royal Ballet would audition dancers, in a nearby town.

On the morning of the auditions, she tied 100 white pigeons to her chariot. The director noticed her dramatic entrance -- and immediately told her to go home.

"Why?" cried the princess.

Because, he said, "We have enough pigeon-towed dancers already."

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My favorite phrase today is tragic love affair. N., this could involve some crying and like that. Def.: If I had one of these I would get so bummed out that I would just leave my job and bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.