Park the Car, Girl

Q. Barbie and Ken arrive at a fancy restaurant in her pink Corvette. Who parks the car?

A. The Valet of the Dolls.

(Heh heh heh. So it goes.)

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Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth's "Intimations of Immortality, Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank. But he inadvertenly grabbed a sugar substitute, so it was actually Splenda in the Gas.


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Golly whiz. Even more people wanted to know of my life and times. Where were you when I wound up 100 morsels about me and all? Maybe I got another hun'red......


I jointed this fraternity (Sigma Chi) during my freshman year at Willamette University. Long about when I was a sophomore I wanted to cohabit with some of the boys out at a local bar so I borrowed some I. and D. from one of the older guys. When I showed this at the bar the checker said, "This says you're 27. You don't look no 27 to me!" I said, quick as a whip because I was in the mood for beer, "That's the same story I've heard all my life -- you don't look that old. Well, hell, I was old enough to fight on Okinawa so I oughta be old enough to drink a beer." He gave in; I got beer, at age 19. I have never felt bad about it......

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You've seen magicians. But can you top this?

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When I was working for that newspaper in Albany, I refereed basketball part-time. One night in Alsea a civilian under the home team's basket wadded up a paper cup, shredded it, and threw it at me on grounds I didn't favor his team much. I called a technical foul and the place erupted. Turns out the cup thrower was the principal of the high school. Later on, the other team waited in its bus for me to get safely out of town. Which I did, and so I lived to b**g another day.

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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath, and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


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My favorite word today is profit. N., buying low, selling high. Def.: Religious guy who talks to God.