Final Words from George Carlin

Lookie here:  No butt-crack!

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An old lady went into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.  "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odor.  In fact, since I've been here I've passed gas no less than 20 times.  What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker.  Take these pills three times a day for seven days, then come back and see me."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office and said, "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse.  I'm passing gas just as much and they're still soundless, but the problem is worse.  I'm passing gas just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible.  What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor, soothingly.  "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

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Here's a gift from the late George Carlin:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.  Throw out nonessential numbers.  This includes age, weight and height.  Let the doctors worry about them.  That's why you pay them.

2.  Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

3.  Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop.  And the Devil's name is Alzheimers."

4.  Enjoy the simple things.

5.  Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6.  The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is with us our entire life is we, ourselves.  Be alive while you are alive.

7.  Suround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8.  Cherish your health.  If it is good, preserve it.  If it unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9.  Don't take guilt trips.  Take a gtrip to the mall, even to the next county or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10, Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.  And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people, who cares?

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My young grandson called the other day and asked me how old I am.  I said "77."  He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

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My favorite phrase today is mad scientists.  N., real spooks, I bet.  Def.:  For guys like this who keep brains in jars, why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?