Birds I Have Seen on High

I have collected a few pictures from our backyard, some better than others. Judging by my previous entry, you know I am a bird watcher from way back. This here bird also is a bird watcher and also a bird chaser: a sharp-shinned hawk, notorious for feasting on small birds.



This here peeper is a red-shafted flicker. Nice size to this fella. He's not supposed to be able to sup from these feeders, but try to tell him that.



This mourner is a mourning dove, with a song that indeed makes you think you're at gramma's wake. And they don't sound a damn bit better when they're sober. Mourning Doves is one of Ol' Hoss's favorite bird mothers.



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Earlier this year the Quebec City newspaper had a feature about generations by age group. Generations were grouped as follows:

The Silent Generation (a.k.a. the Greatest Generation), people born before 1945.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

Generation X, people born betrween 1961 and 1976.

Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989. Generation Y people are the easiest to spot: See below.



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It doesn't matter which political party you belong to -- you're in for it. For instance, on Canadian TV was a comic who says he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep," he said. "I miss ol' Bill. He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black president. No. 1, he played the sax. No. 2, he smoked weed. And No. 3, he had his way with ugly white women.

"Even now? Look at him: His wife works and he doesn't, and he gets a check from the government ever' month.

"Some big manufacturers announced today they will stocking America's grocery shelves this week with 'Clinton Soup,' in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water."

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My favorite word today is evolution. N., it's everywhere! Def.: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A Fistful of Hummers

This lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water, and this is the result:



And here's some more of the same, closeup:



The woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana. She has been studying the hummingbirds daily and one morning put the cup with the feeder, with sugar water in it, in her hand. They had gotten used to her standing by the feeder so they came to her hand. She says as they touch her they are as light as a feather. And she adds if she had known her husband was taking pictures she would have put on some makeup! (Who would have noticed?)



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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs and pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market known as "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available almost everywhere. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them, no strings attached.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desire to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted. And after drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, except with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

On some occasions these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the woman administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

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My favorite word today is brilliant. Adj., on the order of Einstein. Def.: Reading stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

This Is Some Kind of Oasis

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the two surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest said, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. Then he adds, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well," she said, "under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts.

"Sister," he said, "would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father, may I touch it?" The Priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, do you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?"

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Oh, Father, that's wonderful. Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

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Did you know there is a mighty big difference between men's brains and women's brains? The findings are here.

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My favorite word today is kiltered. N., on the good ship wobbly-popped. Def.: The fourth wheel of a Safeway cart which looks identical to the other three but renders the cart completely uncontrollable.

Multiplicity Works

I have not lately told you about my Hit Parade:

"My Melancolicky Baby"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"

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This here deer is getting a free lift across Lake Okaheetee, in Florida. It comes courtesy of a 23-foot alligator that has a serious case of the munchies....I think. If you want a serious look, click the picture to enlarge.

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When you get hungry in the library, there's only one thing to do.

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Two elderly residents, an old sailor and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old sailor looked over and said to the lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old sailor continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady gives him some quizzical eyebrows, then starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a $20 bill and holds it up.

"So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old sailor.

"Get serious," she says. "Four times in the rocker."

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When you've got 8 seconds to spare, go Ice Fishing

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My favorite word today is feebleology. N., there's no pill for it yet. Def.: Something which doctors will tell us that we're suffering from; i.e., the newest disease from Africa.

But Are There Brocs in Broccoli?

Let's face it: English is a crazy language. F'rinstance, I never had no cowboy leg. I never had my carbon burning my black bowel.

Furthermore, there is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses than run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?"

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My favorite word today is wammy. Adj., warm and slightly clammy. Def.: Descriptive of your hands after the automatic drying machine has turned itself off and left you just damp enough to make it embarrassing if you have to shake hands with somebody immediately afterward.

Was Jesus Ever in a Hurry?

Official Republican Party Campaign Car

This has been designed to keep up with the way McCain is laying out the Party's campaign message.

"A New Direction."

You figure it out. Scamp has a headache.

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have accelerated through the red right.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a knocking on her car window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. He ordered her to exit the car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.


"I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license-plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the fender. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

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When I was born, Big Ernie gave me two choices:

2. I could either have a GREAT memory,

OR

2. I could be GREAT in bed!!



Oh, poop, up the crick without a paddle!! Now I forgot what I wuz gonna tell ya.

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My favorite word today is eei*%$#sumbiatch$%^+#. Adj., holy hell! Def.: The expression on a man's face when he has just zipped up his pants without due care and attention.

Question Me This

Psychiatrists and Advice Columnists have trouble fitting in. According to me.



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Dear Hoss:

My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Half-Crazed in Cleveland

Dear Half:

No, it is the psychiatrist who is crazy. No doctor works that cheap.

Dear Hoss:

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Pronged in Pocono

Dear Two Cards Short:

If your pronger looks like Yoda but the baby doesn't, I'd be a little suspicious.

Dear Hoss:

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Befuddled in Baltimore

Dear Fuddle:

I doubt it. Anyone who is mean and short-tempered has lost all her mentals.

Dear Hoss:

Our son writes that he is studying Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Yours in Jesus the Son

Dear Sonny:

Judo is not a religion (it is one of the few words in the English language that somebody has not prayed to, on or about.) Judo is a way of pouring coffee at Starbuck's.

(Here's somebody else who seems to be out of place.)


Dear Hoss:

I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Lack-a-Moolah in Lackawanna

Dear Lacking:

Start out slowly. Discuss little things, like pounds and rubles and francs. As soon as his eyes glaze over, hand him a bill.

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My favorite word today is screech! N., I can't stand this!!! Def.: The ghastly sound made by owls and beginning violinists.

Working on My Pile

I had to replace a light bulb in the kitchen today, but Scamp told me I was too old and clumsy to be standing on a ladder. So, I asked a neighbor. Then I held the ladder while the light bulb was being replaced. I may be oldt, but I yam not stupidity.



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It has been quite some time since I worked on My Pile. Most of you know about Making My Pile. This is what I need to do to finance rental space on a rocket ship to carry my dead bones out to distance space, where I will double as a new planet. I figure I can reincarnate just as well from there as anywhere.

The source of My New Pile is a diet plan, which was suggested to me by those Texans in Singapore. This is not just any old diet plan. No sirree, this is the Ol' Hoss Genuine Pounds Off System with guarantees like you never ever heard none of.

The key is Ol' Hoss's Manipulative Balloon, which I am just now inventing. See, what you do is you get a balloon with a long tail (esophagus?) on it (patent pending). You swallow the balloon,leaving the end of the neck at your lips, then blow it up nice and plump. This will make you feel full, which is a nice fulling. This will last you a whole meal. Then when it's time for your next meal, you swallow the balloon, digest it, and eat a normal chicken pot pie or liver and onions. I expect some of my clients will want to eat two puffy balloons a day, they will be that good.

All that's waiting now is a formula for my digestible balloon. Any ideas you got, pass 'em along. I was thinking of corn sugar, but corn has gotten way too expensive. I figure we can get $2.95 apiece for these dudes.

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I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" (This is not asking too much since I am already 77 & 185/365ths.

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" I said "Nope." So he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun," he persisted, "like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach? Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

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My favorite phrase today is The Sound Machine. N., oh so melodious. Def.: The whistling, chanting and humming sounds you make when seated in a public lavratory. It is your way of telling a newcomer there is no lock on the door and he can't come in.

Your Baby Needs a Hug

Instructions for properly hugging a baby:

1. First, find a baby.


2. Second, be sure the object you found was indeed a baby by employing Class "C" Sniffing Techniques.


3. You will need to flatten the baby before beginning the hugging process.


4. "The Paw Slide": Simply slide your paws around the baby and prepare for possible closeup.


5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult "hug, smile and lean," so as to achieve the best photo quality.


6. If you don't pass this along, a dog will pee on your computer.












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Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts down the runway, and the passengers begin to become sore afraid as the water at the end of the airstrip nears.

With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit the pilots high-five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're going to scream too late and we're all gonna die."

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My favorite phrase today is beauty parlor. N., let me know when you get beautiful. Def.: A place where women curl up and dye.

A Friend in Need.....

Susan: Send me an email so I can tell you how to find Christine. Thanks. My email is mbenditem@msn.com. Gene Maudlin

The Poor Box Takes a Beating

Dr. Seuss could always ruffle my feathers, and he's done so here (except somebody else did this because The Doctor is out -- way out. If you want copies of these to read, you will have to go to Bob's Dirty Book Store. $6.95 each is what I paid last.)













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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the Poor Box."

The Irishmen left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the Poor Box. He paused for a moment, then started to leave.

The priest, who had been watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the Poor Box."

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

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My favorite phrase today is recessional hymn. N., what's the name of the guy with no arms and no legs who is hanging on the wall? Art. Def.: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left.

Rabbitry! Rabbitry!

You say Rabbit Rabbit on the first of the month and all month long you will have good luck. I have been doing this for months now, and I am still living. What better luck could I have?

Oh, and April foolishness to you!

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The first of the month is also when we award the Perfect Post, which goes this time from me to Monty. She does a really fantastic job on a book review, no less, which strikes home to her. Go see it here.

For a complete list of Perfect Posts for March, go see either Petroville or Suburban Turmoil. These people are Kimberly and Lucinda.

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Here's an exercise plan for people 50 and over (that's just about everybody except Tisha, Petroville, Lucinda and the Spazz. Well, there's also Judy's Brag and Indy's Mom and Just Mom, and Paul Nichols, and the Paddy Whacker.....I guess there's quite a few of you young twirps hanging on).

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacis and then eventually truy to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand! and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

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A lot of folks can't understand how we have an oil shortage in this country.

There's a very simple answer: Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas and a few bitty other places.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, D.C.

Any questions? I didn't think so.

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My favorite word today is manger. N., no crib for his head. Def.: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO, proving that holiday travel is always tough.

Not All the Children Are Brainiacs

Here are some excerpts from actual history essays by schoolchildren, from the book "Mr. McGreevey's Absolute Howlers."

"In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java."

"When Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted 'hurrah'. Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."

"In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"When things didn't go as planned, Stalin used the peasants as escape goats."

"When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus.'"

"President Carter faced the Iran Hostess Crisis."

"The USA and USSR became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent."

"The Wholey Roman Empire amazed many when it was found in Germany."


"Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'"

"Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large."

"The Jews were a proud people but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"A major discovery was made by Mary Leakey, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind."

"Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva."

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My favorite word today is pew. N., don't sit in it. Def.: A medieval torture device still found in many churches.

Turnabout Is Fairest Play

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest responded.

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nuded the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope has it."

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A Texan wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many boioks on the subject and, finally, after getting all the necessary tools he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly -- from the sky -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermo of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager."

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My favorite word today is choir. N., mama sang bass, daddy sang tenor... Def.: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the church-goers to lip-sync.

Drink to Me Only With Thine Barista

Rattling around in my email, I found these Starbuckian treasures. Hoo boy, some peeps is really clever.













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The trouble with some women is they get all excited over nothing -- and then they marry him anyway.

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A friend confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 children, but she didn't really seem to care.

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My favorite word today is recessional. N., something between classes in grade school. Def.: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of church services led by parishioners trying to beat the crown to the parking lot.

Meet Mr. Studley

I am browsing the Internet and lo the behold what should appear but eight tiny bulls.....

Really, this lady and her hubby are touring the Iowa State Fair and looking at the bulls. She sees one that says: "This bull mated 200 times last year."

"Holey moley," she pipes up. And says to her hubby, "You could learn something from him."

Then they walked to another pen, where there is another bull, and a sign there that says, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her hubby's ribs. "That's once a day," she said. "You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The hubby looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

They told him his condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and that he should make a full recovery.

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A religious young woman went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, and then said: "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked: "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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My favorite word today is justice. N., one of the seven deadly sins. Def.: When kids have kids of their own.

Sweet Addle Mine

Did you ever make a phone call that ended this way? You ring some company, and the answer is, "Oh, could you please hold for a minute?" Then you are put on hold before you can say "No."

Ten minutes go by, and she returns to the phone, breathless: "Is anyone helping you?" "No," you say, "I've been on hold for the last 10 or 11 minutes."

"Oh, dear, you should have called earlier. Our office hours are 8 to 5 p.m. Pacific Time. Try us tomorrow."

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Pike's Peak isn't a peak at all. It's a crater. If only looks high because the area around it is so much lower.

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Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.

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What really addles me is how to build a car. I mean, do you first stand one tire up and start connecting things to it? Where do the other three tires come in? When do you put in the axles and/or rods and gas tanks? Where should we put the electrical outlets?

Maybe if you got me started I could wing it. Maybe not, though.

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When I was about 14 I retired. See, I was making $250 a month (this was in 1944, when $250 could be counted as My Pile). In fact, a fella could get by on $200 a month. You might not be able to buy much wine, but, of course, nobody drank wine back then. We drank beer, lots of it.

The other reason I was able to retire was I was in such good health. I could never figure out people nowadays, who work till they're 65 and all decrepit. No, the thing is you want to retire early, while you're feeling good.

Too bad you can't go back to age 14 with your $250 a month and retire. Well, that is, YOU can't. I can, since I plan to reincarnate pretty soon.

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Another thing I can't build are steamships. Maybe if somebody gave me a map....Nah, I think I'll just go ahead a retire as a steamship builder. It will look good on the old resume.

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My favorite word today is procession. N., pump the circumstance. Def.: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Hold Me Tightly

They were together in the house. Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly.

Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance, and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed.

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist, but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on. They knew it was wrong....

Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their fear that they heard no opening of doors, just the faint click of a camera....



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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops, and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting with a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, then turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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My favorite word today is cannibal. N., anything good in the pot, Ma? Someone who is fed up with people.

The Picture Fiend Strikes Again

(Once again, I remind you that I am a guest poster at Tisha's place, where today we are showing some of George W's tongue twisting.)

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Yes, I know this is St. Patrick's Day. Foo foo raw. Green beer. Pig's butt.

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When I am not otherwise occupied, I am taking pictures (and I also am sleeping, writing my b**g, drinking vodka, sleeping, and eating my wonderful Sylvia's food). So here is a ferinstance.

I show you this because this is a Christmas Cactus. And I just took this picture three days ago. This is not Christmas. But it is still a Cactus. Christmas won't happen for, say, two or nine months from now, depending upon how soon the shopping season starts, so obviously this Cactus is a little Calcified. This very same Cactus also bloomed last Christmas, so you know it's got a little sense. Anyway: Pretty, ain't it?

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Picture No. 2 (I am so prolific) is of a Goldfinch, slowly morphing into breeding season.

See, Goldfinches (Goldfinchi?) turn kind of mystic in the off season, looking more like house finches. But when spring rolls around, wham! bam! thank you Sissy. The males turn bright yellow and they are a sight to behold. This here goldfinch has got a leg (ho ho har de har har) up on most of the rest of the flock, so it might be the first to breed. If it can find a willing female. If....

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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My favorite word today is relics. N., your basic leftovers. Def.: People who have been going to mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

Ten Commandments Just Don't Cut It

A news story is titled: "Vatican Updates Its Thou-Shalt-Not List".

This is not, really, news. Last year the Vatican took on the problem of highway accidents, issuing a kind of "Ten Commandments" for drivers against the sins of road rage, alcohol abuse, and even rudeness behind the wheel (gimme dat finger, holy holy, gimme dat finger, glory hallelujah).

Other sicknesses that need to be added: Ecstasy, LSD, methamphetamine, and cloning of cows. Really. That's what they're after. And cows and sheep that put out all that methane. Don't get me started on bad recyclers.

Oh, another grim reaper: Scandal and sin within the church (meaning: priests buggering the choir boys). But with the latest round of payouts, the church is really doing something about an age-old sin: Taking from the rich and giving to the poor.

So I have added up all the sins, new and old, and have a new total: The 666 Commandments.

How's that, Lucifer?

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You ain't never seen no magic till you see what this guy can do.

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Dear Hoss:

My 12-year-old son is becoming a real burden. He thinks he is old enough to operate the can opener and I think he should wait until he is 13. Everything happens at age 13, you know: A child becomes a teenager and hell won't wait till he gets his first piece of ass. I don't think they's made a can opener that will let a 12-year-old open a chastity belt, but maybe this is not news to you. You seem to be way ahead of the life and times.

S/West Virginia Mountain Momma

Dear Mommer:

I don't think they make 12-year-olds like they used to. In the old days, they was sweet-smelling choir boys whose business got minded by the priest. Maybe it would be okay for him to get a piece of ass before his ass gets pieced out. Sort of preparing him for finer things, don't ya know?

Way, Way Ahead Ol' Hoss

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My favorite word today is amen. Adj., don't sleep where they can see you. Def.: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.