Life Sucks

Even man's best friend has his limits, wooden you say?

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Say you're going to have one beer.  Then in turns into a couple of beers, then a six-pack and soon enough, a cascade of beer.  You don't know what hit you, but the next day it turns into a

One-Star Hangover

No pain.  No real feeling of illness.  You're able to function relatively well.  However, you are parched.  You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way.  For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.  Unless, of course, it's a

Two-Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.  The coffee you are chugging is only enhancing the rumbling of your gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3 a.m. Waffle House excursion.  There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.  You sure hope it isn't a

Three-Star Hangover

Slight headache.  Stomach feels crappy.  You definiely not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the peppermint schnapps your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.  It's looking more and more like a

Four-Star Hangover

Life sucks.  Your head is throbbing.  You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.  Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you shaved only one side of your face.  Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.  Your butt is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.  No, it isn't a four-star job; it is easily becoming a

Five-Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.  Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.  Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you.  You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was who had passed out in your bed this morning.  Any attempt to take another dump results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater thrown in.  The sole purpose of this floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your buns.  But all this helps you add to your list of

Things Impossible to Say When You're Drunk

1.  Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.  Nope, no more booze for me.

3.  Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.  Good evening, officer.  Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5.  Oh, I just couldn't.  No one wants to hear me sing.

6.  Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

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My favorite word today is bachelor.  N., one of them cute little button flowers.   Def.:  A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The Punday Pun

Here they are, the long-married couple, going out for dinner.  They decide on Chinese.  After looking over the menu, they each decided to have Chinese Surprise, the chef's special.

The waiter brings their meal in a lidded pot.  As the wife reaches for the lid, it rose a few inches -- and she could see two beady eyes looking at her before the lid slams shut.

Startled, she asked her husband if he had seen the eyes.  Just then, the lid rose again, revealing the two eyes before slamming down again!  Perturbed, the couple called the waiter over and explained all this hoo-rah and foo-foo-rah.

"Ah, so, I aporogize.  I make mistake and bring you Peeking Duck."

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The only friction in this couple's long marriage was his habit of f**ting each morning when he awoke.  He tooted loudly, and it would wake his wife.  And then the smell would make her eyes water, and she would gasp for air.  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.  He responded that it was perfectly natural, and he could'nt stop it.  She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by, and he continued to blast them out.  Then one Thanksgiving Day as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked  in the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver, etc., and a malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was still sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his underwear.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual troubling toot-toot -- but this time is was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes.  After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right.  All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well," he said, "you always told me that one day I would end up tooting my guts out, and today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers,  think I got most of them back in."

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My favorite word today is envelope.  N., and it could be a No. 10, you know.  Def.:  No matter how much you push it, it still will be stationery.

And No Dumb Bumpkins, Either

A friend who worked away from home all week always made a special effort to be with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.  Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  Luckily his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well," he said.  "Did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh, yes, PaPa," the girl replied.  "And you know what?  We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today."

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Now, this here is a fish, or maybe a fishie.  I know that, because its name is Blobfish.  That's how I can know it's a fish.  Boy I am swift.

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In the first three weeks since the election, President-Elect Obama has broken with tradition established over the past either years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.  Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on "Sixty Minutes" witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had him employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," said Mr. Logsdon.  "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."  The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate.....we get it, now stop already."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

(Thanks, Vicki.)
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My favorite word today is armor.  N., I'm doing the jingle, jangle, jingle.  Def.:  During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

It Takes a Lot of Water to Be Conceited

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The Washington Post has asked its readers for their pet peeves (good or bad):

Total strangers telling me what to do, especially square-dancer callers.

When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine, and it is.

Big conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.

I've been all over the world and have lived among every kind of culture and I can say, without any hesitation, that the most ignorant, rude, selfish and self-centered people on Earth are babies.

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Once there was an old coal miner who loved to paint.  Sadly, he could not afford canvasses.  But he found a solution:  he would paint on the walls of his house.  And so the walls became covered with his paintings.

One day, a group of wayward youths broke in and defaced the paintings.  The youths were soon apprehended and arrested for.....wait for it.........corrupting the murals of a miner.

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And The Post also asked for samples of a comically terrible ending to a novel, such as this one:

"As he left, the captain flashed a smile -- a wide, satisfied grin with lips parted a quarter-inch, the right corner of the mouth raised slightly above the left, and a dry lower lip slightly stuck to the teeth -- that defied description."

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Then there is the karate form of martial arts, in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

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My favorite phrase today is dollar bills.  N., save some for me.  Def.:  When the little boy's grandmother called to see if the young lad who had swallowed these is improving, the nurse said, "There's been no change yet."

Some Things Happen; Some Things Don't

This here is a rabbit.  Says so on the back of the card.  And it's here because we always show you a picture of a rabbit on the first of the month so you'll have good luck all month long (pervided you also say Rabbit! Rabbit!

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I got an interesting question in my comments a couple of days ago:  "Is it true that you are not alive?"

There is no way to answer that.  If I said, "I am, indeed, not alive,"  I would have lied to you.  If I said, "It is true that I am not alive," I would have lied, again,  because anybody knows dead men don't type.  Or eat quiche.

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I also got some other, more serious questionables, to which I will pay honor and keep.  For instances:

Did you have a career in newspapers or magazines?  This, I think, was a serious questionable, so I'm going to treat it seriousity.  So the answer(s) to your question is:

Right the first time.  And the third time and the fourth time, and the sixth time, and the seventh time.  But not the second time, the fifth time, or the eighth time, or the ninth time, or the tenth time, or the 11th time, or the 12th time.   That describes the number of times I was in the newspaper business, and the times I wasn't.   By the end of it, I was on Social Security.  Funny career, that.

When are you going to write a Dear Hoss B**g?  Paul Nichols

Right now.

Dear Hoss:

Q.  Is that a piece of big acne you got there, or is that a case of cleft palate?  OH

A.  You been lookin' into my profile, ain't-ch?  Sneak.  Well, if it's any biziness of yourn, it ain't neither none.  But if you want one, I can tell you how to get it fixed.  Send me dollars two.

Dear Hoss:  Tell us a bunch of things about you that we don't know about.   Tlp. 

A.  No.

Dear Hoss:  What is your favorite sweet?  Miz Mell

A.  Boy, I sure wish I knew which one of you honeys asked this.  Yum Yum Yumster!!

Dear Hoss:  Can we send you something for the holidays?  Miz Mell

A.  When people offer to send me something, I am all GIMME!  See, it's because they

don't HAVE to, but they WANT to.  Which makes me so delicious.

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My favorite word today is heart.  N., It's gettin' near Valentine's day, right?  Def.:  The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest with an axe.

I Seem to Have Forgotten Some Flowers

We here at Scamp Hollow have had quite a many florals to peek at this spring/summer/fall.  Nobody has asked me any questions about the flowers.  I will tell you later about the questions I HAVE been asked.  So here's about some flowers:

Now, this here is called Heavenly Bamboo Berries.  These are highly and hugely edible; they grow to the size of strawberries and also taste similarly, which means they is good.

And these things over toward the right

is called a White Star Creeper, which would be black star creeper if the flowers were black, which they aren't.

And this here doesn't have no any strawberries but it is a Strawberry Tree nevertheless because it looks like one and even could be one, if it wanted.

So all in all, this is some of what I got for autumn.  Not all, just some.

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Questions I have been asked:

Somebody asked if I write all this trash.  Certainly not!  There are plenty of people out there who can write better trash than me.  I DO have a secret weapon who sends me lots of jokes and pictures (thank you, Richard).   Then there is also Scamp, whose pals send her dirty jokes and she insists that they appear on this b**g.  So here they are.

Hmmmm.......Maybe I HAVEN'T been asked a lot of questions.  Better make that:

One question I have been asked:

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The Washington Post got from its readers several nominations for Darwin Reject Awards, such as this one:

A team of American researchers was awarded the prize for discovering that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide, and a team of Taiwanese scientists were awarded for discovering that it is not.

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My favorite word today is juggle.  N., which is sometimes sort of like a jiggle, but not quite.  Def.:  It's not that I don't know how to do this; it's that I just don't have the balls to do it.

Maybe They Can Call Them Kools

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.   The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending upon cup and speaker size.

The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain.  Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the closed end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene:  What the hell is that?

Jane:  A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene:  Where did you get it?

Jane:  You can get them at any drugstore

The next day, Arlene hurries herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.  The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, look at her strangely (she is, he knows, over 80 years of age), and delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"It doesn't matter, sonny, as long as it fits on  a Camel.

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A Mexican family was considering putting Grandfather Abuelo in a nursing home.  All the Hispanice facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.  After a few weeks went by, they came to visit him.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful," he says.  "Everyone here is so courteous and respectful."

The grandson responds, "Oh, that makes us very happy.  We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from the rest of the people here."

"Oh, no!  Let me tell you how wonderfully they treat the residents," he says with a big smile.  "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.  He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There's a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican.'!"

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My favorite word today is mankind.  N., could be a whole bunch of folks.  Def.:  To understand mankind, you have to look at the word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two words:  MANK and IND.  What do these two words mean?  It's another mystery, so I think we better find a word I like more.

These Boots Are Made for Walking?

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.  Interested, he wants to learn more.  "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.  There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina.  That's about 250 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.

"No, sir:  that's where the end of the line is right now."

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My favorite phrase today is bull market.  N., you can get some in Pamplona.  Def.:  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Don't Eat That, Buster

When my grandson asked me how old I am, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four to six."

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Holy Mackerel Company: Rules of Behavior

We are glad to welcome you as a new employee.  There are just a few guidelines you need to follow to make your stay with us as comfortable as possible for us.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days per year of service.  They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

There is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, co-workers or pets.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is spent in the toilet.  There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture in situ will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.  Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can appear to be healthy.

Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, aggravations, allegations, accusations, consternation and input should directed elsewhere.

The Management

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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down.  The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.  She dresses quickly and goes to find him.  The son sees the mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," he answers.

"Why is that?" his mom asks.

"Well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

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My favorite phrase today is financial planner.  N., a whiz with the geetus.  Def.:  A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Stay Awake and Learn Something

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.  Sort of an odd number, but there's a reason for it.  That's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the first U.S. railroads.

But why like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad roads, and that's the gauge they used.  But why did they use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the first roads used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

But why that particular wheel spacing?  Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?  Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their own wagon wheels.  Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.  Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.  Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process pamphlet and wonder "What horse's ass came up with this?", you may be exactly right.  Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses (actually, two horses' asses).  Now, then, another twist to the story.

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are solid fuel rocket boosters (or, SRBs).  The SRBs afre made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad truck, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width  of a couple of horses' asses.  And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?  Ancient horses' asses control almost everything.....and current horse's asses are controlling everything else.

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My favorite word today is bacteria.  N., have you had your yogurt today?  Def.:  The only culture some people have.

You Got Any Rottweilers on You?

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?  When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

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INSTRUCTIONS FOR INSTALLING A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.  Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16.

2.  Place them on your front porch, along with several scattered empty beer cans, a copy of a well-thumbed Guns &amp, Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3.  Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4.  Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey, Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim -- I went to the gun shop for more ammo.  I'll be back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls:  they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don' think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

"P.S.  I locked all four of 'em in the house.  Better wait outside."

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Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I's like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride  is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

This year, when they went to the fair, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."  To which Esther replied, "Morris, that helicoper ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard this exchange and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.  I'll take both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you.  But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everrything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed."

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

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The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

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My favorite word today is remembrance.  N., A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.  Def.:  Keep in mind, half the people you know are below average.

A Little Leftover from Spookland

Lookie what I got in the mail!  Classic buttcrack that I thought I had sworn off on  of!

 

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A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist.  One day, one of his experiments paid off.  He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog.  The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.

For many years the dog was happy.  But over time, he became lethargic and morose.  The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression.  Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry.  The dog was just.....a little melon collie.

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Recently, a friend sent me some pictures of the domiciles where celebrities live.  They are quite nice, so Ol' Hoss will share:

This is the home of Eddie Murphy:

This is the home of Arnold Schwarzenegger:

                             And this is the future home of O.J. Simpson:

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How about some body statistics:

It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6 lbs.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished by now.

Men who read this are still way back measuring their thumbs.

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A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," said the son, bursting into tears.  "Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed.  "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.  At seven I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa Claus' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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My favorite word today is hypochondriac.  N., somebody who doesn't have anything.  Def.:  This is a guy whose epitaph says NOW will you believe me?

Now Is the Hour

One more day and we can start to start getting rid of W.  Is this the worst presidency in the history of the U.S., or what?  And then we gonna get one of these guys and hope for the best.

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This also is the time that some of we b**ggers nominate one b**g per each as a "Perfect Post" for the month.  Perfect Post is the collective brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda, who have taken it upon themselves to find for us witty, serene, solemnic, etc., b**gs we might otherwise have missed.

My selection for the month is Raymond Powers, aka the Florida Cracker, whose column is named Pure Florida.  And it is that, except for an occasional trip out-of-state which is okay with us because it's all well-written.  The post I'm picking is how FC, a teacher, works to break down the anti-education feelings of Frank, a black high school student.  He calls it a work in progress; you'll call it excellent writing.  You can find his b**g  here.

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick! Quick! shouts Sister Catherine.  What shall we do?"

Turngthe windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

She does this, knocking Dracula about.  But he holds on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What now?" Sister Catherine shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican."

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.  Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouters Sister Catherine.

"Show him you're cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.  She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car."

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My favorite word today is average.  N., you are higher, or lower, or somewhere in between.  Def.:  Just remember, half the people you know are below this.

I Bring You a Brain Teaser

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Here is a riddle but not by the Riddler.  Getting 4 right is perfect....a measly 4....

1.  How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3.  From which animal do we get catgut?

4.  In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5.  What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6.  The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7.  What was King George VI's first name?

8.  What color is a purple finch?

9.  Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done?  Here are the answers:

1.  116 years
2.  Ecuador
3.  Sheep and horses
4.  November
5.  Squirrel fur
6.  Dogs
7.  Albert
8.  Crimson
9.  New Zealand
10.Orange

(It's okay.  I failed too.)

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Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice, and the Pope asks her to join him on a Gondolar ride through the canals.  They are admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when a gust of wind blows the Pope's zucchetto hat off his head and into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves off the tour guide saying, "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this.  Not to worry."

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks over to the Pope's cap, bends over and picks it up.  She walks back across the water to the gondola, steps aboard and -- amid stunned by the silence -- hands it back to the Pope.

The next morning, the topic of Democrats everywhere is, "Palin can't swim."

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My favorite word today is psychokinesis.  N.,  I know this one.  Def.:  How many of you believe in this?  Raise my hand.

Ah So Folding With the Economy

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending markets in the U.S., uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last few days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Sumurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

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I don't know how this was done, but it's done.  Obama, McCain and even That Lady appears in this Dance Off.  Thanks, Busy Mom.

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Hah!  You thought I had forgotten that it's Rabbit! Rabbit! time.  The time when you double up on the word (rabbit, in case you weren't listening), and then all month you'll have good luck.  I didn't forget, so there!

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My favorite phrase today is middle age.  N., which used to be 18 and now is 38.  Def.:  That time of life when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

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Some dogs just don't have a chance.

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They Get Around to Me

Put me down for Fridays.

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Critics of who made a mess out of the economy keep coming up with people to blame.  Lately they've had at Alan Greenspan.  But he says it's not his fault.  All he can be blamed for is a flaw in his thinking, he says.  It wasn't like that was a mistake or anything.

In fact, all of the people who've had a crack at owning up to misbehavior have said "It wasn't me."

Well of course it wasn't!!  Those people who are not shouldering the blame make way too much money for them to take the blame for anything.  Rich people do not make misteaks......see, I made one right there so's you will not think that I am rich.  Every time the economy goes into the tank, the fat cats look around for somebody to blame and always, it's me.

It all started with my mortgage and the fact that my house slid downhill during the last rainfall because I got too fat from eating Orville Redenbacher and so I wasn't able to go downtown to spend my paycheck which I don't have one of anymore because I lost my job dealing "21" at the American Legion Club.

You can see how things would pile up on a guy.  No kidding.  When it comes time to shovel the blame there ain't two or three ways about it.  If the economy turns sour, it's Ol' Hoss who provided the lemons.  And that puts everybody else at ease.  Those folks looking for a dope to blame can go right back to what they were doing, which was, of course, nothing.

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A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.  As he enters, he asked St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.  Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God.  When he found Him, the zebra asked, "Please God, I must know:  Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God answer your query for you?"

The zebra, looking puzzled, answered, "No sir, God simply said, 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well, then, there you are.  You are white with black stripes.

The zebra asked, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," St. Peter said, "if you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'"

(If you laughed at this, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will be on your ass.  But I voted for Barack Obama and I laughed at this, and probably so did he.  Keep smiling, Sunshine.)

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My favorite word today is religious views.  N., use any camera you like.  Def.:  People who want to share these with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You Know You're in........

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This  is a fun little game.  Try it out; waste some time.

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I read somewhere about a dame who is trying to raise $3 million to buy a Super Bowl advertisement to get a husband.  Count me in.

In fact, count me in twice.  I also need $3 million, to buy a Super Bowl ad to get a wife/partner/significant other/what's it.

Here's my Super Bowl ad response to the $3 million lady:

I see you are a Libra, which means jack shit to me, I guess, since I never was much in the Astrology game.  But, what the hell, I have been black-holed often enough that I can handle astromonical doings.  I also see you are in your "mid-forties", which makes me older than you (by a whole hunk).  That's going to be fine, just as long as you stay there.  I mean, nobody wants a wife/partner, etc., who is getting old, especially one who is getting a little long in the hips.  So, mid-forties forever will work for me.  See you on the telly.

Here's my Super Bowl ad, which is going to cost me $3 million, provided you provide it.  And you better hurry up, because the deadline is nigh:

Hoo boy, I am hot to trot with some body, especially since you are bound to be a hot body to warm up my old bones, on account of I am real (REAL) old.   I need some body that is 5-foot-6, 115 pounds, and you got beauty all over you.  With blue eyes.  Anything will do, as long as you can keep me warm.  Or hot.  Yeah, hot would be better.  Green eyes is okay.

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The Washington Post asked readers for their ideas on "You know you're in..." and here are some results:

"You know you're in Rome where everybody seems to be doing the same thing."

"You know you're in the William J. Clinton Presidential Library because all the books are in brown paper wrappers."

"You know you're in California when the horns on antique cars go 'arugula.'"

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My thought for the day is:  Men are like fine wine.  N., V., this will be interesting.  Def.:  They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

We Are Very Bzzzzzzzzzy Over Here

This guy is driving down the road, and he runs out of gas.  After he sat there for awhile, a bee flew in his window.  And strange as it may sound, this bee talks:  "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there, and then he flew away.  Minutes later, the man watched as an entire colony of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.  Shortly thereafter, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.  "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in the tank?"

The bee answered,

*

*

*

*

*

Or, in plainer language:

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.  Feeling somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu.....

HOUSE SPECIALTIES

Raw Tourist:  $5.00

Broiled Missionary:  $10.00

Fried Explorer:  $15.00

Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:  $99.95

The guy called the operator over and asked, "Why such a huge price difference for the politicians?"

The operator replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of dung it takes all morning."

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Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

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My favorite phrase today is cash flow.  N., it's so fun to watch.  Def.:  The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Time Wastes for No Body

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time.

But, while we're on the subject, DST ends in most of the United States at 2 a.m. Nov. 2, a Sunday.  I knew you had been wondering.

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To all my friends who have been sending me best wishes, or chain letters or other promises of good luck if I just forwarded something:

NONE OF THAT SHIT IS WORKING!!

Could you please just send money, booze, chocolate or gasoline vouchers?  Or walnettos.

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Try now this riddling riddle.  The answer is way down there somewheres:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.  One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.  The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the same thing.  What do you suppose that is:

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Don't look down.

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An older couple is lying in bed one morning.  They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.  He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."

"What are you talking about?" he said.  "We're both lying here in bed and talking to one another."

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead.  What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

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I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even put some in the food.

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Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

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My favorite word today is profit.  N., one of the wise men.  Def.:  An archaic term no longer in use.

Chapter 103: Hoss Makes His Pile*

BULLETIN BOARD ATTENDEES OF AMERICA:

Over half of the U.S. population has legitimate concerns about what will happen to their pets after the Rapture occurs.  Please respect their faith and allow this notice to remain posted (just as the waste removal and grooming posts remain).  Again, over half the population feels that this is of concern to them.  If there is a specific problem with this ad, please eMail me.

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"For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep.  (No way.)  For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout (lemme hear it, Big Ern!), with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God.  And the dead in Christ will rise first.  Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the cloud to meet the Lord in the air." (And he throws down a tremendous dunk, to the cheering of the crowd.)

Have you ever thought about what will happen to your pets after Jesus comes back to claim the souls of the saved during the Rapture and deliver them to heaven to enjoy everlasting life?  The Bible teaches that only those who have accepted Jesus as their savior will be risin', and we all know that pets do not have the cognitive ability to do this.  So what will happen to your beloved pets?  Without you there, they'll be stuck in an empty house, starving to death.....no one to feed them.....no one to clean their litter tray.....or rub their tummy.

This is not what you envision for your pets after you are gone.  This is where I come in.  As an atheist I'll still be here post-Rapture, and I would love to look after your pets for a small fee, and make sure they are still well taken care of after you and your family have been Raptured.  You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being cared for by me and living happily.

For a small fee of $350*, you can be assured that your pets will be well-cared-for from the time that you are Raptured until the end of their natural life.  Just think:  Jesus might be a pet hater, and there might be a lot of pets who are abandoned.  Hoo boy, you don't want that.

Please eMail me for my Pay (and Pay) Pal Address so you can assure your pets will be taken care of after Jesus comes with his Rapture deal.

DO NOT TAKE THIS NOTICE DOWN.  RAPTURE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

(**That's $350 per pet.  Ol' Hoss needs to eat, too.)

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the Mad Cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada, almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the State of Washington?  And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they have a little trouble locating 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

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My favorite phrase today is value investing.  Adj., if you can tell where the value is.....  Def.:  The art of buying low and selling even lower.

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(*Some of this is outta CraigsList.)