How About Some New News?

I am pretty sure I haven't told you about this, but I need to Make My Pile. I guess I haven't really told anybody, because it's a little shameful to be needing money so bad. But I have to tell you, especially those of you who own elephants.

See, what's happening is that I don't have long to live (11+ months, according to the fakir doctor I have), so I need to decide pretty soon what kind of reincarnation I'm going to have. And right now, it looks like the elephant has the upper nose. Elephants grow to be about 100, which is a pretty ripe old age. Bristlecone pines are known to reach about 4,000 years, but that comes without a lot of orgasms.

So, if any of you elephant owners can put me in touch with the reincarnation people, just shoot me an email. Or just put it in the comments: I guess it's not a secret, anymore.

To get the money I'm going to need to Make My Pile, I think I will start an insurance company. And not just ANY insurance company, but one that nobody has thought of yet: Insurance for what you don't have insurance for.

Think of it: Insurance against polio, chicken pox, leprosy and elephantiasis. I know nobody in the U.S. gets these anymore, but that's just the point: WHAT IF? A guy can't have too much insurance.

And not only that, but what about insurance against AIDS? This will look good in the ads, even though to get paid you need to be some kind of strange. See, to collect you will have to prove you didn't enjoy getting it. Take that, homos.

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My favorite word today is ghost. N., woo, woo. Def.: The guy who steals one sock out of your dryer.