Tom Cruises the Silent Movies

You people who are not members of the Church of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard Branch, probably do not know what a "silent birth" is. You people who go to movies probably do know who Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Branch, is. Well, they are all one and the same.

Tom wants Katie, his girlfriend, to have a "silent birth" so their newborn won't be all tainted when he comes into the world. See, I think he means that if somebody in the birthing room says anything, like, say, "pretzels," the kid will be born with a twisted sense of humor.

Here are some other things not to say when a "silent birth" is going on:

"I wonder if he'll have lips."
"What's the ratio of hermaphrodites born in this hospital?"
"Who's the father, Tom?"

So, here we are in labor and the doctor wants Katie to push. He can't just say "push," so he grabs Tom and humps his leg. Katie doesn't get it. He extends his arms and leans against the wall and does push-ups. Katie doesn't get it. He yells "PUSH, YOU DUMB BROAD."

Katie pushes. Seventeen years later on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, young Tom Cruise Jr. is pushing drugs.

The moral of the story is: If you want a "silent birth," marry an expert in charades.

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My favorite word today is Tom Cruise. N., cruisin' down the river. Def.: Eccentric.