Aw Shucks, This Is Nothin' (I Hope)

I am sick, which is sorrowful for me. Diverticulitis, it seems, but that's not yet confirmed. I will know more Monday afternoon. Heck, maybe it's nothing, like, say, cancer.

I will be back on Wednesday. So it goes.

Old Dogs, Chilluns and Winos

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Okay, here's one more song. Only it ain't a song the way I do it. It's more like a poem. And it's really good because ain't nobody as good at poetry as I is. I don't need to tell you to enjoy this, 'cause I know it's inevitable.



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I has begun gardening. Actually, I started on March 17 because that's what the experts say is good time in my zone, which I don't know what number it is -- 7? 9?

I now has got tomatoes making a true leaf -- hah! Bet you don't!

And I has got cantaloupe and squash and basil and just barely, some "Chinese Lanterns," whatever they is. Scamp said I had to grow some. Geezus they are slow; better be worth it.

My watermelon is not up yet. You got any tips for growin' watermelon? (Yeah, yeah, I know about sunshine. Asswipe....)

Anyway, what I want is some good watermelon so's I can make watermelon wine. Why wouldn't I?

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Here's the 20-40-60 Rule:

When you're 20, you are obsessed with what everyone is thinking about you; when you're 40, you stop caring about what people think about you; when you're 60, you realize that no one was ever thinking about you.

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten it, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake."

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My favorite word today is flatulence. N., great word if you don't wanna say fart. Def.: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

In the Fall I Hunt Quail

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

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On a church bulletin board: "Science advances, but the death rate remains the same: One per person."

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Why some people have sons, and some don't.















(All photos courtesy of Judy known as Kenju.)

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And you also find out interesting things when you have sons. For instance:

A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

A 3-year-old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When you hear the toilet flush, accompanied by "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, a lot of it.

Play Do and Microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

VCRs do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toy do not like ovens.

80% of women reading this will pass it on to most of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of men reading this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

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My favorite word today is Gargoyle. N., look on English castles. Def.: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Same Result If You Camp in West Virginia

Those labels on metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds have been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv."

That was before the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."

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Well, if that is not enough amusement for today, you can go here. After you review this dandy, come back and tell me how it was done.

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One of the Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle and several rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and and fired shots at the target, about 50 yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area:

"It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end."

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My favorite word today is morbid. Adj., something Poe would write. Def.: A higher offer than I made.

Pet Me Loose

Here's somethin' I stole from Laurie Anderson. Go take a look at this lion, what appears to be in love with his keeper. Only take you a few seconds.

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I never saw a real Michelin man, but here is a real Michelin baby. Poor thing.

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These amused me:

"Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word 'hunting' implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing." --From Jana.

"Children are innately drawn to sick people. It is what the germs want...." --From Judy's Brag

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This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday serves will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casins of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

(Did you see that coming?)

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My favorite word today is hangnail. N., there, I've caught it on the sheets, again! Def.: Where you put your coat.

The Feline is Down in the Boondocks

Once upon a time, this cat discovered that my shoes are not fit for kitten company.





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So, this guy with two badly burned ears goes to the emergency department.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ball game on TV," began the man. "She put the iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."

"What happened to the other ear?" said the doctor, persisting.

"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."

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My favorite word today is Pokemon. N., seen him right here on the Internet. Def.: A Rastafarian proctologist.

The Koala What Loves His Toke

A koala was sitting up in a gum tree, smoking a joint.

When a little Lizard walked past and looked up and said:

"Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"

The Koala says: "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."

So the little Lizard climbed up and sat next to the Koala and they burned a few. After awhile, the little Lizard says his mouth was "dry" and he was going to get a drink from the river. But the little Lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little Lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little Lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little Lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting, smoking a joint with the Koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the Koala is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey, you!!"


So the Koala looks down at him and says:

"Holy shiiiiiite, dude!! How much water did you drink?"

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My favorite word today is urine. N., let's test this. Def.: Antonym for "you're out."

And He's Got Pockets in His Pocket Protector

So this nerd is visiting NYC, and a hotel clerk tells him a riddle/joke: "My mother and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother; it wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The nerd gives up. And the clerk says, "It was me!"

"Ho, ho," goes the nerd. "That is terrific. I can tell that back home."

Once back home he gathers a bunch of his relatives together and begins the riddle: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

Naturally, beins as they is all of the Nerd Family persuasion, they give up.

So the nerd gives the answer: "It was some hotel clerk I met in New York City."

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A three-legged dog goes into a bar and tells the bartender: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."

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Heap big white hunter is telling a client about his trip to Africa with his son.

"While I was there, I taught some of them how to play checkers," he recounts.

"Zulus?"

"Oh, no. I beat them four times out of five."

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From Miz Mell:

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breats and not listening to them.

(Ho ho har de har har, Melanie.)

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My favorite word today is coma. N., have you tried tickling his feet? Def.: A very common punctuation mark.

Toes to Toes, the Nose Is In It....

A woman in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doc tells her of a new procedure called "The Knob." A small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten uip the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman goes back to the surgeon for a consultation.

"All these years everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doc looks at her and says, "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

And she replies, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE

1. It is important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

AND....

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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My favorite phrase today is labor pain. N., boy, that hurts. Def.: Getting hurt at work.

You, Sir, Need These Classes

Some buddy has sent me a tiny little movie that does not make sense. Which is a good reason to show it to you.

Here's what you do: You go to this here place, and enjoy. I kid you or not; you will be amazed.

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And some buddy else has sent me short descriptions of classes to be offered to men. Ifn you wants to register for these, please do so by March 15 at The Learning Center for Adults.

........................................Class 1......................................
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays -- Step by Step, With Slide Presentation

........................................Class 2......................................
The Toilet Paper Roll -- Does It Change Itself? (Round Table Discussion)

........................................Class 3......................................
Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? (Group Practice)

........................................Class 4......................................
Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics

........................................Class 5......................................
After Dinner Dishes -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? (Examples on Video)

........................................Class 6......................................
Loss of Identity -- Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other (Help Line Support and Support Groups)

........................................Class 7......................................
Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost (Real Life Testimonials)

........................................Class 8......................................
Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? (Driving Simulations)

........................................Class 9......................................
How to Be the Ideal Shopping Companion (Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques)

........................................Class 10.....................................
The Stove/Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used (Live Demonstration)

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My favorite word today is seizure. N., all hail the chief. Def.: A Roman emperor.

How-de Doo From the Boondocks

I will soon get this out of my system. But I just had to do a talkie (or two; I got one in reserve). I think this works better than singin', but you'll be the judges of that. Actual, this Singshot thing is kinda addictive, ifn u likes country music. (I suppose it would be addictive just as well if you was into rap and cocaine; I don't know.) Anyway, here 'tis, Down in the Boondocks.

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I was at the mall the other day eatin' at the food court. There was this teenager sittin' next to me who looked sorta weird. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

I couldn't help but stare. The teenager noticed this, and every time he turned my way he could see I was ogling him. So he asked, in a sarcastic way, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

I didn't bat an eye. And I said, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wonderin' if you was my son."

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This guy's wife only has sex with him for a purpose. Last night she used him to time an egg.

A girl phoned and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." He went over. Nobody was home.

His wife is such a bad cook that in their house they pray after the meal.

His wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called him from Chicago last night.

He was making love to this girl and she started crying. He said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" And she said, "No, I hate myself now."

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My favorite word today is barium. N., I got mine in a mine. Def.: What doctors do with patients who die.

Some People Got More Talent Than I Do

All weekend I spent fixin' up my b**groll. It is now exactly right -- unless you don't think so.

Listed, on the lower left, are the b**gs I visit semi-regularly (and lemme tell you, 85 is quite a load). If you do not want to be listed, pls. tell me and I will rub you out. If you are somebody who thinks he/she should be listed, but ain't, tell me that, too, and I will rub you in.

Thanks kindly. You are all sweethearts (even Dave and Dave and Milt and Peter and Rich and Raymond and Jim and Robert and Tom and Sim and Paul and Mike and...).

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I find these ever now and then. And I like to show 'em up. Right purty, huh?









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My favorite word today is fester. V., don't squeeze that boil. Def.: Quicker than someone else.

A Voice Out of the Past

This is pretty silly, huh? But, what the hey, this whole b**g is silly. But not without merit. No.

See, nearly two years ago I wrote a little missive about my life in the Old Cacklers' Home, and it went somethin' like this:

"I asked Nervous Nelly this: If you were administrator here, would you populate this place with more people like you, or with more people like me?"

And so I just got to wonderin' how I could make this useful for more folks. So, here's my question: "If somebody has to die, would you rather it was you, or me?"

Take your time....

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A West Virginia sophomore calls Delta and asks, "Can you tell me how long it takes to fly from Charleston to New York City?"

Delta agent says, "Uh, just a minute...."

Sophomore says: "Oh, thanks." And hangs up.

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I was reading about bad error messages you might get from Microsoft or Unix. Here are two examples:

"Your system shell has changed. The Compaq software will work with your new shell, but the new shell will not work with your Compaq software. Do you wish to keep your Compaq software working? Click 'Yes' if you are unsure."

"You need to supply a fax number for your request not to have fax notifications to be processed."

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My favorite phrase today is pap smear. N., the ladies will love this one. Def.: A lie about someone's father.

Holy Lalapalooza -- It's a Harey Month

Happy grapefruit, Ollie, it's time to get lucky. You know how this works: You show your hare on the first of the month, say "Rabbit! Rabbit!", and all month long you'll have good luck. You know this is working for me, for here I am again. Anytime I don't show up for a week or so, you will know I am most likely dead. But, as you also know, I am reincarnatin', so be sure to keep checking on me. I might find some funnies on "the other side."

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The first of the month is also when we play Perfect Post, which is the brainchild of Momma K and her buddy Lucinda. What we do is tell you about some b**gger who has done a dandy posting and direct you to it. We also send along a little button for the winning b**g so she/he can show how right on they are. My Perfect Post for March is what Marti wrote on Feb. 14. Well, Marti says her kids wrote it when Mom was down with the puke. Go see.

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Two people has sent me a "contract of friendship." It goes like this:

"My Wish for You in 2007:

"May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.

"May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

"May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

"May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be those of joy.

"May you be forced to drop to your knees and feel a terrific need to thank the Lord for the tons of tons of blessings that have been dumped upon you.

"May your travels be safe, your friends be sincere, your loved ones be generous, and may you be as healthy as any 20-year-old.

"May the problems you had in the past year forget your home address! In simple words: May 2007 be the best year of your life."

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My favorite word today is varicose. Adj., sort of like a vein of gold. Def.: Nearby.

Singing a Song of Sixty Pence

Warnin'!! This ain't gonna be pretty.

See, what happened was that Laurie put a song on her b**g, called it to my attention, and told me I had to do the same. That was many moons ago (real moons, not the kind you're thinkin' of). So I looked up the site what lets you do this, and I sang songs and song-sang, etc. None was worth diddly squat.

So, I said to myself (I often talk to myself; it's the American Way), "Hoss, jest admit you ain't no country singer star, put up your best worst effort and see if that'll satisfy Miss Laurie Jane, a babe what hangs out at New Orleans in Texas.

So, play away, Laurie. Don't rate my effort higher than 100. That's just about all I was able to give it, but you know me: modesty personified.

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And then my 100 percent friend, Vicki also sent me some stuff, like

BUSH BUMPER STICKERS

If You Want a Nation Ruled by Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush Never Exhaled

We Need a President Who's Fluent in at Least One Language

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Handbasket?

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out Too

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

One Nation Under Clod

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My favorite word today is tumor. N., largish wen. Def.: More than one.

Can She Bake a Cherry Pie, Charming Guadalupe?

Why fewer and fewer young lads decide to marry.

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My local newspaper recently ran a picture of a lady, Guadalupe Rodriguez, at a makeshift shrine dedicated to a cooking sheet in Houston. Here's what the caption said: "Rodriguez, a cafeteria worker at Pugh Elementary, discovered the likeness of the Virgin Mary on a cooking sheet while cleaning lunch dishes on Ash Wednesday."

I have seen lots of stories like this. I have never seen the newspaper ask, "Which Virgin Mary?" Consider:


Now then, whicha these Virgins is the real deal? To those who find the doll all over the place (on a piece of toast, in ice-frozen windows, for instance), the Virgin Mary is the classic Virgin Mary. So what do we make of these Virgin Marys? Did you know that Da Vinci, Rembrandt, Titian, Botticelli and hundreds of other painters have painted "pictures" of the Virgin Mary -- all of them looking different from each other. We don't know which is accurate, for they did not have any Canon digital cameras when the V Mary was alive.

My guess is that Guadalupe is deceiving herself and others. That is, everybody knows they didn't have cooking sheets back then.

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Try this: When you next get hiccups, eat two green olives.

Let me know if it works. I never get hiccups, myself.

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My favorite phrase today is Cesearean section. N., close for me, please. Def.: A neighborhood in Rome.

I Went Me Me Me Me

My Washington State buddy, Margaret, has sent me this meme. She sent it a long time ago but I have been letting it putrify for a bit. See, I wanted to be sure of my answers, which as of you know, kinda, how I am about memes and always want to make sure they're okay kinda. Sort of.

1. What is your occupation? I have been retired so long I can't remember what I did.
2. What color are your socks right now? I don't own any right now socks.
3. What are you listening to right now? The sound of silence.
4. What was the last thing you ate? Abalone. No shit! It's true. I got it from some outfit in California and cooked it up for myself. Scamp turned nose up.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Ain't nobody any shiftier than me.
6. Do you like the person who sent this meme to you? Hoo boy. How about love?
7. How old are you today? Same as I was yesterday.
8. What's your favorite drink? Whatever she brings.
9. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, and it's still dead.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Women fighting over me.
11. What was the last movie you watched? Something with the Three Stooges in it.
12. What's your favorite day of the year? When the tax refund comes.
13. What's your least-favorite day of the year? When those assholes go shamrocking all over the place.
14. Hugs or kisses? One thing leads to another.
15. What did you do last night? Watched people on TV make fun of Dubya. Actually, this is what I do EVERY night.
16. What's your favorite smell? The odor of Bush leaving the White House for the last time.
17. What inspires you? Can't think of anything. Well, maybe Barack Obama.
18. What are you afraid of? That the wrong woman will win the fight.
19. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? No, no, never! Here it's portobello or tofu.
20. Your favorite car? One that lets me remove the back seat. (Hoo boy!)
21. Number of keys on your key ring? Two: Home and car. Why would anybody need any more than that?
22. Your favorite day of the weeks is? Any day where I wake up.
23. Your favorite holiday? National Dung Beetle Day. (Although I might be the only one that observes it; not many people like to roll manure around.)
24. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? You know if you ride a motorcycle slantwise across railroad tracks in the rain you are going down?
25. Pets? Boy howdy, I have lived so long I musta had 80 or 90 dogs, 50 cats, 20 birds and a partridge in a pear tree.

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My favorite phrase today is terminal illness. N., how long we gonna sit in this here plane, ma'am? Def.: Getting sick at the airport.

It Takes a Licking and Keeps on Lifting

So the teacher asked Michael, "If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute. I have to go pee."

The teacher (this is my buddy Margaret, I'm thinking) replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Margaret responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'"

(Credit where credit is due: I got this from Theresa, but I don't know which b**g she owns. You're a bad boy, Hoss.)

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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

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My favorite phrase today is far out. Adj., Where's Captain Kirk? Def.: The distance between your outstretched fingertips and the hand of the guy who's trying to save you from falling off the roof.

I Hope You Love Calvin

Change of pace-wise, I am changing the pace. Here are a raft of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons some poor soul sent me and naturally I forgot who it was. But I am deep in debt for I am a true lover of C and H, and that ain't sugar. If you click on these, they will enlarge enough for you to read the captions.

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My favorite word today is diet. N., how to raid the refrigerator. Def.: What you go on two of, for one won't give you enough food.

Can She Bake a Key Lime Pie, Charming Billy?

Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel, a black, was asked what he thought about President Bush.

"Well," he said, "I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all."

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GIANT SQUID CAUGHT ON CAMERA

"Researchers follow bloated spineless creatures who dwell in the darkest depths. Then they get tired of politics and start looking for big squid."

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In 1998, Richard Harter, a retired methematician, wondered if mathematics could be applied to various positions of the toilet seat.

At the outset, he discounted the possibility of the woman agreeing to raise the seat when she is done, noting "no instance of this behavior has ever been observed in recorded history."

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According to my pal Vicki, a man enters a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiousity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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My favorite word today is enema. N. bottom's up! Def.: Antonym for a friend.