Time Wastes for No Body

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time.

But, while we're on the subject, DST ends in most of the United States at 2 a.m. Nov. 2, a Sunday.  I knew you had been wondering.

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To all my friends who have been sending me best wishes, or chain letters or other promises of good luck if I just forwarded something:

NONE OF THAT SHIT IS WORKING!!

Could you please just send money, booze, chocolate or gasoline vouchers?  Or walnettos.

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Try now this riddling riddle.  The answer is way down there somewheres:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.  One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.  The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the same thing.  What do you suppose that is:

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Don't look down.

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An older couple is lying in bed one morning.  They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.  He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answered, "Because I'm dead."

"What are you talking about?" he said.  "We're both lying here in bed and talking to one another."

She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insisted, "You are not dead.  What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

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I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even put some in the food.

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Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

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My favorite word today is profit.  N., one of the wise men.  Def.:  An archaic term no longer in use.

Chapter 103: Hoss Makes His Pile*

BULLETIN BOARD ATTENDEES OF AMERICA:

Over half of the U.S. population has legitimate concerns about what will happen to their pets after the Rapture occurs.  Please respect their faith and allow this notice to remain posted (just as the waste removal and grooming posts remain).  Again, over half the population feels that this is of concern to them.  If there is a specific problem with this ad, please eMail me.

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"For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep.  (No way.)  For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout (lemme hear it, Big Ern!), with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God.  And the dead in Christ will rise first.  Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the cloud to meet the Lord in the air." (And he throws down a tremendous dunk, to the cheering of the crowd.)

Have you ever thought about what will happen to your pets after Jesus comes back to claim the souls of the saved during the Rapture and deliver them to heaven to enjoy everlasting life?  The Bible teaches that only those who have accepted Jesus as their savior will be risin', and we all know that pets do not have the cognitive ability to do this.  So what will happen to your beloved pets?  Without you there, they'll be stuck in an empty house, starving to death.....no one to feed them.....no one to clean their litter tray.....or rub their tummy.

This is not what you envision for your pets after you are gone.  This is where I come in.  As an atheist I'll still be here post-Rapture, and I would love to look after your pets for a small fee, and make sure they are still well taken care of after you and your family have been Raptured.  You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being cared for by me and living happily.

For a small fee of $350*, you can be assured that your pets will be well-cared-for from the time that you are Raptured until the end of their natural life.  Just think:  Jesus might be a pet hater, and there might be a lot of pets who are abandoned.  Hoo boy, you don't want that.

Please eMail me for my Pay (and Pay) Pal Address so you can assure your pets will be taken care of after Jesus comes with his Rapture deal.

DO NOT TAKE THIS NOTICE DOWN.  RAPTURE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

(**That's $350 per pet.  Ol' Hoss needs to eat, too.)

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the Mad Cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada, almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the State of Washington?  And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they have a little trouble locating 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

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My favorite phrase today is value investing.  Adj., if you can tell where the value is.....  Def.:  The art of buying low and selling even lower.

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(*Some of this is outta CraigsList.)

"What Do You Mean 'We,' White Man?"

A major dilemma in Northern California.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realized she was headed straight for him.  And as fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out:  "Business trip, or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard.  Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked her, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.  "I use information that I have learned from my personal experience in debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.  "And what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she  began to explain, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.  I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.  "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy said, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him, my brother.  He's four.  We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either one."

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And then there is this mime who had a show to put on in front of a large audience.  Unfortunately, he developed a bad cough the day before his show.  This simply wouldn't do for a mime.

So he went to the local health food store and asked for something for his cough.  The clerk suggested that he make thyme tea, and to put a cinnamon stick in it.  Surprisingly, the concoction worked, from which we get the expression:

"A stick in thyme saves mime."

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My favorite word today is unity.  N., as in the Unity States of America.  Def.:  The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

This Bird Is Tetched in the Head

This is really strange.  Sometimes you can tell the sexes of birds by their colors.  You know, how the male Mallard Duck is brightly colored, while the Female is a pale brown.  And how the American Goldfinch turns bright yellow during the mating season.  But crows?  Gimme a break.  Or seagulls (which leave you asking which are the gulls and which are the boys).

But a fellow birdwatcher tipped me to this way of figuring out which was the he-duck, and which was the she-duck.  "Just pay attention," he said.  So I did (click on the picture):

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This couple had been married 35 years, and every Sunday the husband would go golfing with his friends.  He NEVER missed a day.

This Sunday, however, as he is getting ready to go his wife says, "No, you can't go golfing today.  I want you to stay around the house, maybe help me weed."

He did the only logical thing:  He pulled out his 7-iron and beat her to death with it.  Then, being a good citizen, he called the cops.  The chief of the cops asked the husband what happened.

The man tells the cop ther whole story.  "And when she said I couldn't go golfing I freaked out.  I took my 7-iron and hit her over the head with it until she died."

The cop says, "I understand.  But I need to ask for my report:  How many times did you hit her?"

The man answers, "Nine times, but tell the guys it was only four."

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My favorite word today is time.  N., felons get a lot of this.  Def.:  Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

A Man of His Word

This morning on the Interstate I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 80 miles per hour, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her makeup.

As a man I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, my cellphone got knocked away from my ear, and it, in turn fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers....

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington D.C. was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirror, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

(There are teachers....and then there are educators.)

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My favorite phrase today is two rights. N., and a couple of left jabs. Def.: These don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.

Limp Me No More, My Lady

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is X-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting three weeks for an appointment.  Then he waits eight weeks to see a specialist.  Then he gets an X-ray, which isn't read for another week.  And finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Yo.  Next time take me to a Vet.

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The Silent Generation:  People born before 1945.

The Baby Boomers:  People born between 1945 and 1961.

Generation X:  People born between 1962 anhd 1976.

Generation Y:  People born between 1977 and 1999.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y?  Need you ask.....

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My favorite word today is death.  N., I've been this route before.  Def.:  To stop sinning suddenly.

I Hope You Don't Get a 'Whatever'

Whut you spose this is? (I bet you said it was ass-crack, knowin' how famous I am for showin' things like that to you-all.)

Well, it ain't!

This are an apple that sorta doubled in on itself. Woulda made a fine butt-crack tho, if that's what I had in mind (which I usually do. Heh).

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Now then, ifn I wanted to show you real butt-crack, I prolly woulda come up with somethin' like this here. Which I ain't ever seen the like of. You?

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9 Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before you start helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Whatever it was you were planning to do -- Don't Do It.

5. Loud sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot (and of course you are) and she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome." (I should add a clause here: This advice is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot," which is pure sarcasm and she intends no thanks at all. DO NOT say "You're welcome" -- that will bring on a whatever.

8. Whatever: This is a woman's way of saying "F**k you."

9. Don't worry about it; I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

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My favorite phrase today is seasoned veteran. N., it took him until November. Def.: This is the guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

The Gift of Your Time

Boy howdy, has this dog ever been through obedience training school?

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During the time of the Russian repression of freedom in Czechoslovakia, the leader of the uprising was none other than a midget in the Royal Prague People's Circus. He was able to (no pun intended) operate under the Russian radar for a long time but, finally, he was ratted out, and the Stalinista military came to arrest him.

He managed to escape them briefly, and showed up at the US Embassy in Prague.

With the Soviet police close behind, he pounded on the door, which was soon answered by a parade dress marine. The midget reached up, tugged at the marine's trousers and asked, "Excuse me, but could you cache a small Czech?"

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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough', more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 'pay' to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh, goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the f**king sheet rock...."

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My favorite word today is cleaning. N., like putting those little white strips on your teeth. Def.: Retirees are very slow in cleaning out the basement, attic or garage. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

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*(Thanks, Vicki.)

Ain't She Sweet?

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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Have I told you the story about Halloween and me, two days early? Aw, hell, I'm going to tell it again.

I was leaving the grocery store where my Mom worked and suddenly I had the pangs of hunger. You know how 9-year-olds can be. It was two days before Halloween, so what the hey? I knocked on the door of the closest house and when it was answered I said, "Trick or Treat!" (I may have yelled it.)

The lady of the house says, "This isn't Halloween." And I said, "I know, but I'm hungry? You got any cookies?"

She sort of giggled, and went and got me a cookie. I was a cute little bugger. But to be on the safe side, I gave her house a pass when Halloween actually did arrive.

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Do you remember Achmed?

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You have even named your daughter 'Candy'."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, 'Penny'."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is with alcohol. This shows, too, in your child's name, 'Brandy'."

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick. This guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

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My favorite word today is atheist. N., is this where you reincarnate? Def.: This is a guy who has nothing to say when he's having an orgasm.

Good Things Happen to Him/She Who Waits

Rabbit!  Rabbit!  Boy howdy!!  You say this rabbit rabbit thing on the first of the month and you'll have swell fantastic delighted monstrously good luck all month long.  According to the Pez Family -- and me.

And not only that,  Oct. 1 is the first of my two birthdays.  See, I was born on Oct. 2, but my doctor (yes, we had doctors in the 1930's) put it down on my birth certificate as Oct 1.  I love it here in America.  You can say Happy Birthday to me today and tomorrow!!!!

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AND, AND.....This is also when we honor our tragedian of the month.

This is the date we select someone to recive our Perfect Post, meaning the one b**g we have read during the month that is the one best b**g we have read.  This is the dream-child and brain-child of Momma K and Lucinda, who are dream-children of the first order.

My Perfect Post goes to Peggy of Kayak Paddle Tales.  Peggy is a fantastic camera-person who takes pix ( mostly of birds in Florida), and they are fantabulous.  According to me.  A truly great photo is at the last in this b**g -- a tree giving birth to a tree.  You gotta love it.

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Then there is this collection of manglers collected by Prof. Anders Henrikson for his book, "Mangled Moments of History From Actual College Students:

"The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

"Rulers swere entitled Faroes.  A famed one was King Toot."

"Judyism was the first monolithic religion.  It had one big God named 'Yahoo'."

"Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt and Japan.  Sadly, he died with no hairs."

"Fryers were required to take a vow of pottery."

"Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality."

"Sir Isaac Newton invented the newton."

"The major cause of gthe Civil War was when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West."

"Stalin, Roosevelt, Churchill and Truman were known as the 'Big Three'."

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My favorite phrase today is Irish coffee.  N., you can't get this in Scotland.  Def.:  Only in this drink are you provided with all four essential food groups:  alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

A Rel Sensibl Riten Styl

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility.  As part of the negotations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would make the new language to become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".  This will make sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k".  This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".  This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which has always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasfl and it should go away.  The "a" in words speled with "ea" will be dropd; we ned not fer it.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z", and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer,  ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and "eo", and so after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a rel sensibl riten styl.  Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.  Ze drem of a unitd urop vil finali kum tru.  Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vuntd in ze first plas.

If zis mad yu smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

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Well, I know not everybody is broke -- for instance, Pfizer drugs, Google,  Pepsi Cola, American Express.  There are lots of them with big advertising budgets.  And here's the grand plan for tapping their wealth to keep the government out of the banking business (you know, $700 billion here and there).  See, what we do is create an untapped advertising scheme and use the money to bail out those shlemiels who are in over their heads.

So whatta ya think of ads on toilet paper?  IN COLOR!!  Just think, Pfizer can put little ads on each toilet sheet, or it could run (pretty cruel joke there) several sheets together to make chapters of a book.  The value in this is that there will be no competition for toilet paper ads:  If get Pepsi on line, Coke will be shut out. 

This makes T.P. advertising so valuable that Pepsi would gladly give up a billion bucks, or so.

Natch, this giving away a swell monehy-making idea like this hurts Ol' Hoss, who is still trying to scratch together the dough he needs for his reincarnation fund.  But there's nothing too good for the ol' US of A,   So it goes.

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My favorite word today is thankful.  N., getting the big part of the wishbone.  Def.:  This is what you are if you look around a lot.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that wrinkles don't hurt.

We Need the Good Old Days

SCHOOL: 1967-2008

1. Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967. Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jacks shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2008 -- School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

2. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 -- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody joes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2008 -- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

3. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967: -- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 -- Jeffrey given huge dose of Ritalin. Becomes a Zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

4. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 -- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, becomes a successful businessman.

2008 -- Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

5. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 -- Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2008 -- Police called. Mark expelled from school for drug violation. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

6. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 -- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2008 -- Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's teacher. English banned for core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

7. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1967 -- Ants die.

2008 -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, sibling removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

8. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 -- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2008 -- Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in state prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Johnny's parents win big lawsuit they filed against school district for son's physical and emotional injuries.

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My favorite word today is rights. N., something everybody needs more/less of. Def.: Sometimes I think you have to march in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

After You. Alphonse

This fella can play him some harmonica.

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It was April, and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia had asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days had passed he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Weather Bureau, and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

Two weeks later the elder called the Weather Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder inquired.

The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

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Everybody seems to be concentrating on a few problems in this country other than the economy: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida. So naturally, here is Ol' Hoss's all-in-one solution:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send gthe dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
+ Put the alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

If you have any other problems for me to solve today, wing 'em my way!

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My favorite phrase today is Birds of a feather. multiplicity of a noun. Def.: They flock together and crap on your car.

Whomsoever Saith This

Here Be Some Sayings.....

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be noticed by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny said, "Because I'm not a McCain fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a McCain fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat. My Mom's a Democrat, and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your Mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a smile, Johnny replied, "That would make me a McCain fan."

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My favorite phrase today is trap door. N., like one of them Trap Door Spiders. Def.: But instead of a trap door, how about a trap window. The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Is It Time for Another Meme?

I'm thinking it is time for another meme, which I am probably stealing from somebody.
A stolen meme is the best kind. So:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

I wonder if this means exactly 10 years ago, or just thereabouts. Because exactly 10 years ago I was finishing off a Heineken's on the First Tee of the Salem Golf Club. I know this because I did the same thing EVERY DAY along about that time. Now, if you had asked me about 15 years ago, I woulda had to of demurred, because the lady in question is still alive and wouldn't cotton to even a favorable mention (one of which she would not get).

2. What are five things on your "To Do" list?

1. Have a Heineken's.
2. Join the Watchtower Society. I just have to find out what those streetwalkers get for their time, other than some impoverished souls now and then.
3. Pray for someone. I know this probably won't do anybody any good, but, what the hell, it doesn't cost anything.
4. Become an estimator. You ever see the dough these guys haul in? And they get paid no matter what -- as long as you don't ask them when the paint will be dry. No, estimators estimate in big round numbers. Like, tell 'em there are 4 billion stars, and they'll probably believe you. Ask them how long the movie is going to run, and they'll have no idear.
5. Invent a new language. Be sure that hitonious is in my dictionary to make Jamie Dawn happy.

3. What are five snacks you enjoy?

1. Walnettos
2. "Gimme a pack of Pepsin Chewing Gum please."
3. Flench-flied flies.
4. Haggis.
5. Bite-size pygmys.

4. Name some things you would do if you were a millionaire.

1. Get somebody to teach me how to milk a cow. Hmmm......I guess that's it.

5. Name some bad habits you have.

Watch people dig for boogers. Watch people dig for ear wax with their elbows. Watch people give things up for Lent. And I suppose giving things up for Lent has to come right in there.

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There's always one crazed person in every weather office who squeals like a girl when a cockroach interferes with his weather report.

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My favorite brain word today is eggs. N., brains are my home base. Def.: I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain. Because later you might think I'm havinga good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Bears and Snakes and Muffins in a Hurry

I cannot figure out whether this bear is waiting for lunch or is just settling in for a game of parcheesi (clearly, somebody else has the game board).

Oregon has black bears, and you often will see them when you take a float trip down the Rogue River. Often, we would see them at night when they came in to raid our camp supplies.


We had a plan to save our beans and steak from those beasties, however. We would pile beer cans on the coolers, and the noise that was made when the black beans made for a raid was quite noisily.


Then later in the day when we would walk for aways on the Rogue River Trail we would come across rattlesnakes. To which we gave large elbow room.

I quit all this nonsense when I got to be 55 or so. But it wasn't because of the bears or the snakes or the treacherous bears. No. It was because the guy who used to bring the brownies quit making the trip.

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The part that was in here about Sarah Palin and the books has been removed because it was all wrong, for which I apologize. Bad on me.

My favorite phrase today is value investing. N., it went thataway. Def.: The art of buying low and selling lower.

It Must Be the Political Season

Because this is the season of political correctness, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "Hillbillies." You now must refer to them as "Appalachian-Americans."

And furthermore:

How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct:

1. She is not a "Babe" or a "Chick." She is a Breasted American.

2. She is not a "Dumb Blonde." She is a Light-Haired Detour off the Information Superhighway.

3. She has not "Been Around." She is a Previously-Enjoyed Companion.

4. She does not "Nag" you. She becomes Verbally Repetitive.

5. She is not a "Two-Bit Hooker." She is a Low-Cost Provider.

How to Speak About Men and Be Politically Correct:

1. He does not have a "Beer Gut." He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

2. He does not "Get Lost All the Time." He Investigates Alternative Destinations.

3. He is not "Balding." He is in Follicle Regression.

4. He does not act like a "Total Ass." He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

5. It's not his "Crack" you see hanging out of his pants. It is Rear Cleavage.

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The last time I stayed in a hotel, the towels were so thick I could hardly close my suitcase.

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Something more about me, hot damn!

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

(Maybe that didn't really happen. I forget.

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My favorite phrase today is poor people. N., they is always amongst us, dammit. Def.: If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

Biding My Time in the Street

How Beer Works:

In case you didn't know, this is how good ol' beer works.

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I am standing in the queue at the grocery store, holding a 20-lb. bag of dog food. This is not easy, for I am also holding onto a crutch, courtesy of a broken leg I got fixed in the hospital because I fell off my roof. Unhappily it is a long line, so lo and behold the lady in back of me wants to chat.

"You have a pet, I see," she offers.

I am in no mood for chit-chat because 20 lbs. can get heavy, and the grocery store's air-conditioning is on the fritz, my broken leg is giving me fits, and I am not much of a conversationalist. But I give it a go.

"No," I say, "it's part of my new diet. Works wonders. You should try it. You keep some of these kibbles in your purse or your pocket and knibble on them all day and you'll lose lots of weight. IN FACT, (I am beginning to bellow now) YOU MIGHT LOSE EVEN MORE THAN THAT(however much that was)."

I notice a guy in the line behind who is not falling for my story but is having a good time listening to it. So I am ready with the embellishment if she gives me a chance. And, once again lo and behold, she comes up with it:

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and that's why I ended up in the hospital.

I said, "No....I had been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

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Why Women Are Superior
(most of the time)

They got off the Titanic first.

They can scare male bossdses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous.

They can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

Men die earlier, so they get to cash in the life insurance.

We know the Truth about whether size matters.

No faux pas they make could ever rival the male's Speedo.

They don't have to fart to amuse themselves.

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My favorite phrase today is costume party. N., or just whistle while you work? Def.: If you go to one of these at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

When You and I Were Dung, Maggie

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here."

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I am writing a play, which you didn't know of because I hasn't spilled any beans yet. Here are two of the key lines:

"Get away from me, you lummox. Your oafishness bloats me no endo."

Actually, that is the only two lines I has so far wrote. That is because I have always wanted to use lummox and oaf in the same story, or play, or even playlet.
If you has any idears about how to finish (or start) this play, pls. let me no.

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Here's how to tell who's a millionaire:

Millionaire No. 1

Millionaire No. 2

Millionaire No. 3

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An armless man walks into a bar, which is empty except for the bartender.  He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he had no arms.  The bartender obliged.

He then asked if the bartender would trip the glass to his lips.  The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.  He then asked the bartender if he would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.  The bartender did, and commented that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is embarrassing at times.  By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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My favorite word today is promises.  N., O promise me, O yea O yea.  Def.:  Break these and it doesn't bother me.  I just wonder why you believed me in the first place.

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Bum

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here."

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For those of you interested in my evil life and times......My first adulterated job -- I was then 19 -- was as whistle punk* for Brooks-Scanlon Lbr. Co. One morning, after the speeder** dumped us at the landing***. I told the hooker**** I had to take a leak so I walked out in the show****, dodging pecker poles***** to keep their snow off my back.

When I got back, the bull of the woods*******had the brush apes*******all sorted out, a faller********to each bucker*********. Bein' it was my first day, I naturally got hurt right in front of the push***********. Somebody else blew the one short and one long required of the whistle punk so's they'd know what time it was************. But let me tell ya, there weren't no lumber jacks************* out there.

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Tough Questions:

1. If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three of whom were deaf, two who were blind and one mentally retarded, and she had syphillis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

(Read the next question before looking at the response for Q. No. 1.)

2. It is time to elect a new world leader and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. For whom would you vote?

A. Associates with crooked politicians and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8-10 martinis a day.
B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Decide which of these would be your choice for world leader:

Candidate A is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C. is Adoph Hitler.

And now, for your answer to the abortion question. If you said Yes, she should have an abortion, you would have killed Beethoven.

Makes a person think before passing judgment, huh?

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* Whistle punk -- one who whistles instructions between the work site and the landing where the logs are sent.
** Speeder -- A self-powered vehicle that runs on a railroad track to deliver workers to the logging site.
*** Landing -- Where cut logs are assembled.
**** Hooker -- A guy in charge of the yarding crew.
***** Show -- The logging site.
****** Pecker poles -- A small tree, often found in the understory of the old growth.
******* Bull of the Woods -- A man in charge of all the fallers.
******** Brush apes -- What the loggers called themselves.
********* Faller -- The man who fells the trees.
********** Bucker -- Man who cuts the trees into lengths, usually 40 feet.
*********** Push -- Superintendent of the logging operation.
************* Lumber jacks -- A term used for loggers in movies and books but way too Hollywood to be heard in the woods.

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My favorite word today is vulture. N., oh ye of beady eye. Def.: If your friend is already dead and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, maybe to teach him some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.