Comfort Comes in a 1-Pound Gift

The theory is that when you get sick, you get a pet to confront comfort you. So Scamp goes to this pet store and gets this teensy thing, which is supposed to cheer me up.

This is a Papillon, made up mostly of ears. It currently weighs about a pound, but the veterinarian said in time it will get all the way up to FIVE pounds. We like it immense like. And I AM recovering, sort of, so don't feel bad for me. If I get viciously ill, I will let you know.

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Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch them slow down.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! Third time this week!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

At the drive-through, specify that your order is "to go."

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More new words and definitions by dropping the first letter of a word:

iarrhea. Def.: Running on about oneself.

oreplay. Def.: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft.

ouch-and-go. Def.: A dominatrix's house call.

oxtrot. Def.: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance.

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My favorite word today is inoculatte. N., get it at Starbuck's. Def.: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Busted

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth died on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which one of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, the most perfect breasts God ever created. I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, then asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged, and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair."

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The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a fine horse but I will still kill you in two days. When is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, the horse gallops away. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a many of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse -- alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time, bring posseeeee!!"

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My favorite word today is download. N., after loading up. Def.: Getting the groceries out of the car.

You Have a Cat Like This?

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force moujth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Crown Royal. Pour shot, drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw bloodied T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followe by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume rest of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in air.

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My favorite phrase today is ho's who? N., with pictures yet. Def.: National registry of prominent hookers.

Big Bird

Before I became a sicknik we went to the Oregon Coast. En route we passed by the Jackson Bottom Wetlands Preserve at Hillsboro to see this one-of-a-kind: the nest of a Bald Eagle.

I pictured the Scamp here for perspective's sake (the nest is the one with the sticks. Ho ho har de har har). The nest was in a three-pronged tree, part of which had fallen and the rest was due to go. So the local electric company chopped the tree off, lowered this to the ground, and gave it to the refuge. A permit was obtained from the US Fish and Wildlife Service.

Here's the power company in action. The entire contraption weighs 3,000 pounds.

It is the only known Bald Eagle nest in the entire Noo Nited States.

And, yes, the Momma and Poppa eagles still nest in the area. Hooray for wildlife.

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The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"

The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

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The Bobbitts are back together and now are evangelists. She is using, as her text, the Book of Acts, and he is using Second Peter.

(Shame on you, sis.)

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My favorite word today is pumpkin. N., a friend of Peter Eater. Def.: The cousin who works at the gas station.

Whut Do You Know About Dat?

More sick-nik news: I am able to visit your b**g, but commenting wears me out. I visited everybody on my b**groll Saturday. I can write a post, although it takes a long time. Very long....

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If you are the sort of person who uses "words" like whut and dat, you need some finishing school. Ol' Hoss comes to the rescue.

1. Write a short sentence, such as "Whut makes dat go round basswards, Me Poppa?"
2. Send this, along with your credit card number, bank account number and current paycheck (if any) to Hoss at OldScrewU.com.
3. Receive in return an edited version of your sentence. In this case, an amended version would read: "HOW COME makes THAT go round basswards, Me Poppa?"

Repeat as necessary.

Satisfaction guaranteed, as always.

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Do you suppose this guy gives out Red Letter New Testaments with a set of 4?

And maybe preaches on the side?

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Have I ever shown you this clip about how to ease the boredom? Pretty funny second time around, too.

If you've already seen that, how about this clever guy? (Not for children.)

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The architect for the Dubya Bush library has said the building must incorporate "the spirit" of the Bush presidency. Some readers took note and offered these suggestions:

"It will need a huge facade."

"The building would have no public entrance. The private entrance might offer a copy of the Constitution as its doormat."

"A grand fireplace filled with burning memos."

"Instead of building a library, why don't they just steal Al Gore's house and use that?"

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My favorite word today is Riskies. N., can you see this coming? Def.: Cat food made in China.

Only in America and Elsewhere

Only in Thailand...

Only in India...

Only in China...

Only in America...



Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do people order double cheesburgers, large fries, and a diet cola.

Only in America do banks leave the doors open but chain the pens to the desk.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: In Latin, "Poli" meaning "many," and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in America do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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So Brenda and Steve took their 6-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, Steve explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

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My favorite word today is ecnalubma. N., do we need more vowels there, bub? Def.: The kind of emergency vehicle you only see in a rear-view mirror.

Well Pee on Me

Shucks. I have been in the hospital for two days. Miss me?

Some people don't favor the way I am not breathing. Almost not breathing. They haven't got rid of me yet, but I am giving more thought to my reincarnation plan. Here are my current options:

1. Come back as Jesus Christ and do a lot of good works.
2. Come back as a dung beetle and eat all the dogshit on the Oregon beaches. More good works.

Let me know how you feel about this.

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Here'a a cartoon which you will need to embiggen. (Is "embiggen" a word, like hitonious is?)




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My favorite word today is giraffiti. N., does spray paint come in dark chocolate? Def.: Vandalism painted way, way high.

Hang Me Loose, Moose!

If it hadn't been for the picture, the tale of how this moose got up there would not be believable.

"This happened near Fairbanks, Alaska. Some workers were laying new power cables, which were strung on the ground for miles. The moose are rutting right now and are very agitated. He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables. When the men, miles away, began pulling the lines up with their big equipment, the moose went up too. The workers noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the problem. He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground. The moose was a 60-inch bull -- who was slightly peeved."

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Lame joke of the day:

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad.

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Have you seen this yet? Click on the download under the blank picture. Its title: Why Men Die Early...

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I have started writing this book. I have written quite a few words (600?) and it is going swimmingly. Maybe 500 words. It is about this pastor who dances in a gay bar and who has an unfaithful wife. So we get to see all kinds of savory creatures.

I can't imagine it being a best seller at this point. I think I am going to have to invent a new character -- some old guy who is short of breath because the Surgeon General didn't warn us about cigarettes soon enough. Some guy like me.

Now I think we got the makings of something good.

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My favorite word today is Amished. N., one of them Pennsylvania people. Def.: Hungering for a simpler way of life.

He'p Me, Ol' Hoss, He'p Me!

You surely remember Joe Friday? Here he is with Johnny Carson, starting an investigation into the copper clapper caper.

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Dear Hoss:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV, as usual. I hadn't gone more than 100 feet down the road when my engine conked out. I walked back home to get my husband's help -- but when I got home I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed up in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.

I am 32 and my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Mrs. Sheila Usk of Tuscaloosa

Dear Mrs. Tusk:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking to see there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips hiolding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the ejectors.

I hope this helps.

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Dear Hoss:

Our dog is embarrassing us to death. Every time someone comes to the house, Reginald (that's the dog's name, okay?) humps their leg. Sometimes both legs. Sometimes four legs if there are two callers. Is there anything we can do to get Reginald to stop this?

Lois Mayne, of Champaign

Dear Champaign Mayne:

The best thing to do is hump Reginald's leg. Any of them will do. If Reginald likes this, I guess it won't solve anything. Have you thought of having it killed?

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My favorite word today is coffee. N., old black java. Def.: The person upon whom one coughs.

HITONIOUS: Such a Nice Word

Today, Nov. 8, is Melody Ann's birthday. A friend of hers has taken over her site and is offering various useless and inane gifts to Melody, who is OVER 40! You can see all this here.

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There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

So saith this clever wordsmith, Mr. Somebody. He does not know, apparently, that hitonious (more than horrid) comes close. (Thanks to Jamie Dawn,, who invented the word.)

(See, the thing is, if enough of us use the word -- hitonious -- it might get picked up by a dictionary or two, and Jamie Dawn will be famous or infamous, take your pick.)

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In Japan, dressmakers use their imagination. As in this case, where all these dresses are made of condoms. Very useful, too: They're not likely to run out.







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Colonoscopies are no joke, but, what the hey? A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Can you hear me now?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in West Virginia we're legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

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My favorite word today is ignoranus. N., some weird kind of proctologicism. Def.: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Let's See Now....

See this fella on the left showing off his very fine physique to the bouncing babe? Please click on the photo to find that not all is what it seems. Ho ho har de har har.

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Speaking of which, how's this for a wedding party of two?

In truthiness, I have a million or a zillion of these. Like, here:









Okay, like maybe I had four of them. So it goes. Scientists say "Hoss is too bad."

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Physics (different kind of physique) classes are tough in college.

Prof: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"

Sophomore: "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."

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My family doesn't have any traditions. We just do the same thing year after year.

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This redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The redneck, suitably impressed, buys it.

The next day, he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is diddly-squat. It would only cut down one tree, and it took all day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the redneck says, "What's that noise?"

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My favorite word today is oyster. N., oyster on the shell game. Def.: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Hoss Pays Off

A few days ago, I ran this picture and asked you readers to give me a caption. Several people played along, while a bunch of you
confessed you are not funny. Me too, but I know funny when I see it, so I reckoned I could judge this contest as good as anybody else. So I did. But I am not good at splitting hairs, so we have three winners of University of Oregon Charging Duck sweatshirts (in black!). For various reasons.

First, I liked this caption by Shane, one of them England blokes:

"In the distance, Roger had spotted the rare Brown Pelican. Now if he could quickly load the camera and move those infernal walkers, the next shot might be worth $200." Pretty nifty, huh?

But Shane liked the caption produced by Raggedy:

"I wasted my last shot on the penis log, and Elvis and Sasquatch show up. Aargh!" Well, I like it too.

Also, there is an honorable mention for Jana, on account of she said the magic words: "It's cold. I need a sweatshirt." I am a sucker for pretty girls.

Now then, speaking of sweatshirts, here is Ol' Hoss modeling the shirt he is sending to these three people. The Donald Duck on the shirt is licensed from Disney. The word "Oregon" appears on the Duck's hat, but you can't see it from here. Or wherever you are.

I hope the winners look as good in it as I do. But don't hold your breath.

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All of his life, Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

When Ole's 21st birthday rolled around, he and his pal, Corky, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Gramma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, they were born in January and you were born in July."

Ho ho har de har har.

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My favorite word today is Pokemon. N., odd fellow. Def.: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Raggedy and Rabbitry: Nov. 1

You know this drill: You say Rabbit Fricassee! Rabbit Fricassee! on the first, and you'll have good luck all month long. I am sure there will be some bickering about this because, maybe, you don't need a fricasseed rabbit. Ah, well, one rabbit tastes as good as another.

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The First is also the time we honor fellow b**ggers for their fine work during the month. The honorees get a Perfect Post, which is the dreamchild of Momma K and Lucinda.

My Perfect Post recipient for October is none other than Raggedy, for this swell post. She features country singer/guitarist Doc Watson, with three songs you wanna hear. Well, I did, anyway.

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A man is waiting in the doctor's office. A casual aquaintance walks in and sits down next to him, and asks, "W-w-w what are y-y-y you d-d-d doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d do y-y-you w-w-want to s-s-s-see him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A p-p-prostate p-p-problem? W-w-what's th-th-that?"

"I pee like you talk."

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My favorite word today is willy-nilly. N., come' si, come' sawbones. Def.: Impotent.

Stripping Down to the Bones

This seems appropriate for Halloween, since it's got a lot of bones in it. It's a politician with his head up....well, you know.

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How does a good-looking Dutch babe turn into a spooky skeleton? Darned if I know. See all the action here.

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The Tata Group, a Mumbai, India, company that handles customer service calls for several U.S. firms, has outsourced some of its work to a firm in Ohio. The client insisted on operators knowledgeable about U.S. geography.

Now then, if the clients would just insist on operators knowledgeable about the U.S. language......

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I was amused (and so are you) by questions reportedly asked by visitors at national and state parks and other wilderness areas, according to Outside magazine:

Niagra Falls State Park, New York: "Where can I buy a ticket for the barrel ride?"

Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona: "Exactly why did you guys put it here?"

Denali National Park and Preserve, Alaska: "Can you show me where the yeti lives?"

Watson Lake, Yukon Territory, Canada: "What time do y'all turn on the Northern Lights?"

Mesa Verde National Park, Colorado: "Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming: "Can we eat this?" (holding a handful of moose droppings that look like Milk Duds.)

Carlsbad Caverns National Park, New Mexico: "How much of the cave is underground?"

Yosemite National Park, California: "Where are the cages for the animals?"

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I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline. I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

The operator was very excited and wanted to know if I could fly a plane or drive a truck.

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My favorite word today is assmosis. N., seep no more, my lady. Def.: The process by which some people obtain advancement by kissing up to the boss.

What If They Gave News and Nobody Came?

At 7 p.m. PST Monday, I have done a guest b**g for Tisha Sharp. It's pretty good bad so-so. But if you wanta see it, which you do, go to where it's at.

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Does this need a caption?

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Strange goings-on today: There was no news.

You may not have noticed, but nothing happened today. Ellen DeGeneres did not have a dog; Obama Barack did not criticize anybody; Hillary did not talk Spanish; nobody died in an 8-truck accident in a California highway tunnel. Nobody stole from anybody, and nobody gave anything back that they stole. Nothing bad happened. Nothing good happened.

Now then, you are a TV station. What do you report?

Steve Bittermouth here, reporting from Downtown:

Uh, Anchorfella? Yesterday there were 3 muggings here. Today? Nada. Zip. Back to you.

Anchorfella: Very good, Steve, way to churn it out. We have Liza Weatherhead here to explain tomorrow's weather.

Liza here, reporting from Mt. Whitney:

Nothing is happening today, Anchor fella. There are no clouds, no rain, no wind, no snow. I would have to say we have nothing. Back to you, Big Fella.

Anchorfella: Do we have any auto accidents? Any husband beating up on his wife? Any wife slicing off her husband's penis? No thefts, no purloins, no hounds of Baskerville?

(Program manager: If you can keep this up for 15 more minutes, we can sign off in victory.)

Larry the Cable Guy: Hold it, fellas, I got some NEWS!

Anchorfella: Yes! Yes! Let's have it!!

Larry the Guy: Yes! Yes! The newspaper has published today's edition -- and it is 32 blank pages! Sort of sums up No News Day, huh?

Anchorfella: You ass. No way does that fill 15 minutes.....

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., scratch that. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

It Is Costly to Be a Geek

My local newspaper had this theft report: Sept. 28, 6:20 p.m., 25400 block, 95th Avenue -- A $1,400 laptop computer, $200 external hard drive, $280 iPod, $150 headphones, $1,000 in computer programs, $350 digital camera and other items were reported stolen from a business van.

Just think about this. Fifteen or 20 years ago the guy who lost all this stuff wouldn't have had any of it. That's what is meant by "the good old days." Also, scientists say this is "too bad."

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Are you feeling witty today? Here's a cartoon without a caption. Its purpose is to invite YOU to write a caption in the comments. And there is a Grand Prize: a University of Oregon sweatshirt. Put on your laugh cap and think away. You know whom will be the lonesome judge.

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Here are some advisories for living the good life:

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room so you can get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Also, remember this: A good friend is like a good bra; hard to find, supportive, comfortable and always close to your heart.

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My favorite word today is Bernadette. N., a.k.a. Bonnie.
Def.: The act of torching a mortgage.

Getting It on With Hoss

Dear Hoss:

Thank you for setting up this system that allows us to get answers to our questions. I know you will be fair dinkum, and all that, in giving us advice.

What I'm wondering is: My husband just generally ignores me all day, and, especially, all night. He says he loves me, but he is often gone for two-three days at a time and comes home smelling of (can I say it?) (oh, I can't say it) you know....

So, my question is, does all sex smell the same? Or is yours different?

Anxiously,

Biddie in Kansas City

Dear Biddie: Thanks for writing. I don't know what you're talking about. Get a life.

Dear Hoss:

This is really important, but I know you can help me because you're so reincarnationable. Is it "Knit two, purl one," or "Knit one, purl two"? I just know you can help because you are so knittable.

Not the Ho in Idaho

Dear Not: Did you know they hanged Mussolini upside down?

Dear Hoss:

Now that Halloween is approaching, I need your advice. Which costumes will be in vogue this year: Witches, ghosts, dogs or dung beetles? Please answer soon because I am pretty slow at patchwork.

Slow in Kokomo

Dear Slow:

I have always gone with dung beetles. Ain't that the shits?

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Dear Hoss:

I am one of the few people who know you personally. I was impressed by your yoganistics and also shoulders. So my question is right on point: Does Jack LaLanne know about you?

Hammy in Miami

Dear Hammy:

I don't know Jack.

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My favorite phrase today is salmon day. N., endanger them species. Def.: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

When the Dentist's Aim Is Off

Tim Conway is the classic dentist in this wild and crazy flick. Don't miss it.

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When they say "Don't take candy from a stranger," this is the kind of oddity they have in mind.

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Doctor at Med School: "How can we prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Med Student: "Don't bite any."

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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" And he says, "Yep, three males and two females."

She asks, "How do you tell them apart?"

And he says, "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."

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Browsing the net, I find that famous guitar player Doc Watson has a Gallagher, which he refers to as "Old Hoss," which is on display at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tenn.

How about that? A guitar named for me that is about as old as me. (How about them apples? This comes courtesy of my pal, Raggedy.)

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My favorite word today is arbitrator. N., the fast form of mediation. Def.: A cook who leaves Arby's to go to work for McDonald's.

And It Was 956 Years Old

This dude was caught in Oregon's Willamette River by some lucky fellas just before we emplaned for Hawaii. The sturgeon weighed over 1,000 lbs., was 11'1" long and it took 6 1/2 hours and 4 dozen beers for the guys taking turns reeling it in. It may have been only 955 years old.

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My local newspaper listed some ways for you to waste time. This was my favorite:

"Setting up a log book in your bathroom to verify that the toilet bowl cleaner really works for 1,000 flushes."

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Here's a slam dunk on the You Tube: A dancing cockatoo. For a peek, click hereabouts.

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One day Harry the Bald Eagle waited at the nest for his partner of 10 years, Mary. He went looking and found her. She had been shot deader 'n' a hobnob.

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning, he decided he needed to get himself a new playmate, even if he had to cross the feather barrier. Eventually he found a lovely Dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was okay, but all the Dove wanted to say was "I'm a Dove, and I want to love; I'm a Dove, and I want to love."

This got on Harry's nerves, so he booted the Dove and went looking once again. He found a very sexy Loon and brought her back to the nest. Once again the sex was great, but all the Loon would say is "I am a Loon, and I want to spoon. I am a Loon and I want to spoon."

Unnerved once again, Harry booted the Loon and went looking once again. This time he found a Duck to bring back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the Duck would say was....

No, the Duck didn't say that. What's wrong with you?

What the Duck said was, "I am a Drake, and you made a big mistake!"

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My favorite word today is avoidable. N., safe driving. Def.: What a bullfighter tries to do.

I Wouldn't Do That to a Dog

Some people just cannot leave Well Enough alone. It is Well Enough when your dog earns your petting and bitches about his food. It is not Well Enough when you dress up your dog as Rumplestiltskin or the Wicked Witch from the East. That is so over the top. But, here is what some owners thought their dogs should be: fashion plates. Now you know why you occasionally read "Dog Bites Man."











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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage or his reputation, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy to have the child secretly. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to a confused wife. "Honey," she says, "you received a very strange postcard today." He responds, "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain later."

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

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My favorite word today is circumvent. N., round and round she goes and where she stops nobody knows. Def.: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

It's a Rat-Fink Form of Magdalene

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If you had gone to Dictionary.com one day last month, you would have seen this:

Word of the Day

Today’s word: maudlin

Thanks, Bonnie.

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Some people don't know enough to stay injured and abed. Like this guy.

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A student is playing Trivial Pursuit. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She asked: "Is it on or off?"

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We know exactly where one cow with Mad-Cow Disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America. But we don't seem to have a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants are located. Maybe the Department of Agriculture should be put in charge of immigration.

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Here's a true believer for you: The Rev. Joseph Neuner enjoined Mother Teresa to believe that "her ordeal gave her a share in the Passion of Christ, and that His absence was in a way a 'sure sign' of his 'hidden presence'."

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This lady takes her dog to the vet, and he found the dog's problem: hair in its ears had become compacted. He fixed up the dog, then told the lady that to keep this from recurring she should buy some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair. The druggest tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds, "I'm not using it under my arms."

So the druggist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." She responds, again, "I'm not using it on my legs."

Then she adds, "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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My favorite word today is hipatitis. N., one of the titis boys. Def.: Terminal coolness.

Summering It Up

From 200 feet away, this is my best picture of a Hawaii sea-going turkle. Our tour guide said there were two of them in the water down there, but I think he was going by rumor. If you want to know why I took this picture, you'll have to guess with me. Maybe it was just to prove that I know a turtle breeding ground when I see one.

It's pretty clear what this is, except I don't know what it is. It's some sort of red-headed stepchild that landed in the street near where we waiting to be taken on some tour or other. There are nuts in the trees where we wait. They fall off, land in the street, then the buses crush them for the birds to eat. Pretty efficient. I don't think they did this prior to the invention of the wheel.

You know these guys. Koi are big in Hawaii because the Japanese tourist is big, and everybody knows the Japanese love koi. Actually, they are just carp that got colorized, and I don't see the big deal. But here you are, koi swimming gently into the night, and so on and so it goes.

Actually, to a handicapped guy like me, Hawaii looks better on paper. None of my wheelchairs/scooters would go through the sand, so the ocean was off-limits to me. It is hell getting one of these gadgets on a bus (scooter has to back in, and my neck doesn't twistle well enough to see where I'm going; one time I made about nine runs at it, and when I finally made it, the other riders in the bus gave me a big "Hoorah!"). Pearl Harbor is off-limits because of transportation issues.

The weather is just swell: 87 for a high, 74-77 for a low, winds blowing 10-20 mph. This happens every day, day after day after day. Looks good on paper; gets boring after 20 days of the same old same old.

There are some places in Oregon I'd rather see. You can take my place in Hawaii.

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My favorite word today is rectitude. N., straight up the old chute. Def.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Bone Voyager

Here I am, in all my GoGo Scooter glory, courtesy of The Scamp. This was a heckuva deal, and I only wish I had signed up for it earlier. Anyway, I have turned the dude over to the rental outfit and we are on the way to the airport.

We got one of them “specials to the airport” for $5. See, the reason it is only $5 is because it is the roughest ride since before shock absorbers. This is a 15-passenger van, and I swear the driver could have found pot holes in heaven. My gall bladder and liver have changed places and he has intermingled my kidneys. My heart busted through my rib cage. If I were still alive, I would think up ways to get even.

Did I tell you about the Peking Duck? I had that baby at an Italian-Chinese (yes indeedy) named Ciao Mein. That’s so cute. Anyway, Peking Duck is not from China; otherwise it would be covered in lead paint.

And there is no Peking anymore, except, I guess, in tea. Why can't people leave well enough alone? When I was growing up we had Burma, Peking, Ceylon and Rhodesia. Now we got Myanmar, Beijing, Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe. The capitol of Zimbabe is not Salisbury but Harare. I am not buying a new globe.

Here's maybe a better picture of me en shabille (I think this is a Norwegian phrase meaning "pretty as a peacock", but I am not sure). This is me at the Aquarius.

This also is at the Aquarial. The funny looking thing at bottom-center is a giant clam, filtering the water. It does NOT filter human beings, no matter what movie you've seen.

Actually, we are home now. I may have a few more pictures for you. All of them dramatic.

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My favorite word today is flatulence. N., aroma in the night. Def.: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Then He Went Under the Bus

The University of Hawaii athletic teams are "The Rainbows," on accounta shots like this. Scamp was out patrolling and caught this shot just south of our hotel. It (the ubiquitous "it") has rained hard here a couple of days, but only in the very late night or early morning. We have not suffered.

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So, there were these Japanese at a table for five (because there were five of them). They were much too close to us, because we could hear every word: Ahsodeska arrigato humdrum sum bitch weewee tutuerino. And then the next speaker said: Ahosodeska arrigato humdrum sum bitch weewee tutuerini. In falsetto. You can see the difference.

I am not making fun of the Japanese here in Hawaii.

Yes I am.

Yesterday I saw this Japanese lady who was trying out for the part of Anorexia in "The Thin Man." And she was about 70. And wearing shorts. My stomach did a flip-floperoo. I could think of nothing other than "She was a sore for sighted eyes." 'Twas quite hitonius.*

Also, the local Hawaiians have this pidgeon English that nobody understands except the pidgeons. Maybe it’s spelled pidgun. And when they use it they laugh and laugh and little children grow up thinking in falsetto.

It used to be, when we left the hotel, Scamp would guide my wheelchair down a narrow ramp. “Down” is the key word. She asks me to put on the brakes....”Harder”...”More on the left” ...”Not so much” ....”Both brakes, NOW!” ...”Okay, let up...” And I go sailing into the street, to be met by The Bus #8.

Fortunately, it was The Bus we needed.

Now I go on my scooter, which has not yet succumbed to a picture. Maybe later.

Here's a sign I saw in a dress shop: "Your husband called. He said to buy anything you want."

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If you like games, here's one where you can match your feelings about political issues with those of the presidential candidates, and thus find out which one you should prefer, rather than the one you like best. I was stunned to find out I should be voting for Joe Biden (which I won't be). If you'd like to give it a test, go to the Candidate Calculator.

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My favorite word today is byte. N., if you get a million jillion of these, you will have some strong code. Def.: What snakes do best.

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(*"Hitonius" is a word made up by my buddy Jamie Dawn. It means "worse than horrid," or "horridest," maybe. She's trying to get it in the dictionary, and the only way to do that is for lots of us to use it at every opportunity. Go forthright.

Once Upon a Once

These are called Birds of Paradise, because they are birds and they are in Hawaii. There are quite a few wild chickens here, all of which have evaded the mongooses. You remember the mongos? They were brought here to put the bite on the rats, only mongos eat during the day and the rats eat at night, so never the twain met. I am glad you knew that.

This here is a self-portrait of the legs of my buddy, The Scamp, which she took while lying down. Shiitake does happen here, a lot. It is hard to get a restaurant meal without mushrooms. Not that I'd want to.

A floral of flowers from the Hilton Hotel, which is said to be the biggest if not largest of all the hotels everywhere. Featured in this display are the famed Birds of Prey and assorted other bloomlets.

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I bought Scamp a lei made of ginger florets. Let me tell you, it has the sweetest aroma -- almost as good as Vicki's "Cookies Better than Sex." That was for being a swell person. Then, for her Oct. 4 birthday, I bought her some really fine (if you can imagine) sake, for which she has an affinity. It is called Cowabunga, or something similarly inclined.

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My birthdays were Oct. 1 and 2. Regular readers know why I have two birthdays. The reason really is quite simple: I deserve them. The reason you only have one birthday? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I know some of you women don't have ANY birthdays, which is the kindest kind to not have.

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I rented an electric scooter. I will tell you more when I can get it appropriately photoshopped.

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My favorite phrase today is mega hertz. N., when the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie. Def.: What you suffer when you try to move the grand piano.