Work? Pleasure?

Was that what I think it was? A TV reporter finds the fauna are not to his taste.

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The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure." The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor if pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."

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So these two guys go out for a quiet day of fishing. Then it becomes quite a bit less quiet.

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A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to see what was wrong, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Started, trhe man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story about a talking cow.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes!"

"Oh, then, I wouldn't listen to her," said the farmer. "Bessie doesn't know anything about cars."

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My favorite word today is toothache. N., does medical marijuana work on this? Def.: The pain that drives you to extraction.

If Women Were in Charge....

Look, there's a woman running for President. Pictured here are some of her plans for "improvements."








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The Pope and Hillary Rods are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Hilary and His Holiness have seen it all before, however, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the world go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave from her elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy. This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all the people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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My favorite phrase today is hardened criminal. N., he knows how to finish his yeggs. Def.: A thief who falls into wet cement and breaks his leg.

Art Made Simple

Here are some entries from an art contest at the Hirshorn Modern Art Gallery in Washington DC. The rule was that the artist could only use one sheet of paper.









The Old Old Lady of the Hills actually beat me to this kind of art, and is showing the works of just one artist, Peter Callesen, of Denmark, perhaps the master in the field. Go see what Ms. Old Old has got in store for you. (This is a picture of "the Old Lady," from her site. Not so old, huh?)

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My favorite word today is blackboard. N., gimme that loving feeling: skrtch screedhct. Def.: Where the math professor goes crazy and does a number on it.

The Proof Is in the Long Lens

Sometime back I said I would get a better picture of a Hummingbird someday, and so I have. This little jewel at Sylvia's feeder is an Anna's Hummingbird and we love it like a brother.

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This little flick is not so good, but at least you can see it is TWO Anna's hummers, which is more than one. Both are buried nose deep in the sugar water. I also have a picture of something that looks like a starling but is not a starling. Back to the bird book....

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SIGN IN A PHILADELPHIA

STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER."

You probably would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. Keep in mind, though, that Freedom of Speech is one of our greatest liberties. And, after all it is just a sign.

And where was this sign? In the window of a Philadelphia Funeral Home.

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What you do is you find you a power drill and a fellow employee that's been tetched in the head and then you.....Go here to enjoy the show.

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My favorite phrase today is the 50-5o-90 rule. N., I hope you're good with numbers. Def.: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you will get it wrong.

My Tribulations and My Trials

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems..
I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!



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"To my darling Husband,

"Before you return from your trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

"I was coming home from Wal-Mart when I turned into the driveway. I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

"I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of this little accident for you.

"I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

"Your loving wife,

"Heather



"P.S. Your girlfriend called."

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My favorite word today is tomorrow. N., like, manana. Def.: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Holy Jehosephat, Mother Bear

Year's Best (Actual) Headlines of 2007

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield [London] Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for leaving the Beano home!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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A grenade falls onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

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My favorite word today is bakers. N., it takes two to ice the cake. Def.: People who trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I Knew Water Was No Good for Me

When you're cropping your picture to display it on a site like My Space, you need to be careful, according to me. For persample, note the cropped picture above, how it lures you toward a seductive blonde, with nice hooters.

You'll know it was nicely cropped when you see where it came from (see below).



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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine....and those who don't.....

Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we woulod have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli), which is bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So: Water = Poop; Wine = Health

Remember, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Just for you, a buddy of mine has found a You Tube explanation of immigration that warns the heck out of us. He's even got Ross Perot charts to back himself up. It takes about 8 minutes to run, but it will go fast because it's quite interesting. For a peek, go here.

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That YouTube thing ties nicely into a billboard I saw, which said:

"Need Help? Call Jesus"
"1-800-005-3787"

Of of curiousity, I did indeed call.

And a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

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My favorite word today is algebra. N., don't get tripped up on this one. Def.: What mermaids wear. (Think about it.....)

We Got Rabbits and Perfect Posts

Here 'tis the Foist of the Munch, and time for Perfect Posts and Rabbits Rare.

Rabbit! Rabbit! Say this at the first of the Munch and you'll have good luck all munch long. According to the Pez Family, that is.



Now then, the awarding of the Perfect Post: My favorite for January was a belated b**g but a sensational b**g outta the typing fingers of Nikki. She has lots to say, about the family trip to Lake Tahoe and about Christmas and her German roots. She also has a gentle bit about the presidential campaign. And then winds it up to remind us she is pregnant, again, as planned. To read this fine post, go here.

Perfect Post is the invention of Petroville and Lucinda. Go to these sites to see the list of the winners for January.

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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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My favorite word today is wrinkles. N., when your face falls apart. Def.: Something you may have that are similar to my character lines.

Birds Who Live in Glass Bushes Should Gather No Moss

Two birds in the camera are worth four in the bush. Slow but sure I am getting nice pix of the birdies flying to and eating from Sylvia's feeders. First up, a Red-Shafted Flicker:


And then here comes another American Goldfinch, which is slowly turning into its springtime color (bright yellow). It is, so far, the only one to show the change, and it is plenty early about it, since spring is way way off. But he's a cute little bugger.

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Two nerds were playing golf at a foggy par three. They could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit his ball anyway. When they walked to the green they could see one ball about three feet from the cup -- while the other had gone directly in! Hole-in-one!

However, they couldn't figure out whose ball was who's, since they both were using Titleist No. 3's. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse to try to get some help from the pro.

After hearing their story and congratulating them on such excellent playing in adverse conditions, his first question was:

"Now then, which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

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How come when you mix flour and water together you get glue? But then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake?

Where did the glue go? You know darned well where it went? That's what makes cake stick to your butt. Ho ho har de har har.*

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My favorite word today is synonymn. N., what's the other word for it? Def.: Synonymn.

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(* Buttcrack 1, Hoss 0.)

Ain't They Sweet?

A fine artist has an eye for "beauty," as in "Mrs." Dubya Bush and others. Please bear with Ol' Hoss as we run the table with George, "Prissie" Carter and "Black Book" Clinton:








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When was the last time you knew an anchor who did not quite grow up on the farm? Check out this city boy, who doesn't know his beef from his brisket.

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But he followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in the corner.



An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, so I let him in, again. He went down the hall, resumed his position, and slept for an hour. This went on for several weeks.

Finally, my curiousity got the better of me. So I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day, he was back, as usual, but the note was different. This time it said: "He lives in a house with 10 children. I think he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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My favorite word today is walk. N., do this five times a week or die young. Def.: A fly without wings.

Hoo Boy! We Rate the Oscar Flicks

The nominees have been nominated for nominations for Academy Awards. I am so thrilled. I haven't seen four of these films, but it's pretty obvious what they're about. So I thought I should slip you a thumbnail so you don't need to waste your time figuring it all out. Here's what to know:

"Atonement" -- This is a weeper about Helen Keller and the invention of the tuning fork (a tone, see). There is the typical wounded soldier that Helen re-spiritualizes by singing love and Jesus songs to him. He is enthralled because she is always on key, thanks to the new tuning fork, duplicates of which are now on sale at Wal-Mart for under $10. Rated N.F., for "No Fun".

"Juno" -- This here is about a Roman goddess by name of Juno. Jennifer Garner is in this one, but she isn't the one who gets knocked up. This film isn't real clear about who got whom pregnant, maybe because of all the pregnant pauses, and maybe because Juno is so much to everybody (Goddess of marriage, home and childbirth). Anyway, we know it wasn't Zeus, because he belongs to a different set of God things (Greek). Rated P.G. for obvious reasons.

"No Country for Old Men" -- This came about through an Act of Congress that was aimed at getting those aging illegal immigrants out of the US and A. Unfortunately, the bill covered all of us old dudes, basically saying we have to clear out of the country. The first to go, it seems, were all the old people in cemeteries, since they don't have much legal rights anymore. They were shipped to Guantanamo, headstones to follow. Rated O, for showing in the Oval Office.

"There Will Be Blood" -- This is a scandal about a hospital phlebotomist who couldn't shoot straight. It seems that every time he set out to draw blood he would miss the vein, and the blood would fly all over the place. It got so bad that the star, Daniel Day-Lewis, had to wear a space suit to protect himself from AIDS-blood people. Rated R, for the Color of Money and Blood.

"Michael Clayton" -- Here we got George Clooney (rhymes with Swooney) in another classic sting caper. What happens in this movie, that takes a long time to get through so you might want to carry a pastrami on rye with you in there...what happens in this movie is that George (Michael) gets even with some really bad people without having to Rambo everybody. Rated F, on account of the F word plays such a late, but predominate, role in this flick.

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My favorite phrase today is jog your memory. N., strolling down memory's lane. Def.: What happens when you take your laptop for a run through the park.

What's in My Neighborhood

In our backyard, Sylvia has erected three feeders and a hummingbird feeder, all of which are getting good action. What you see here is an American Goldfinch in its winter plumage. I also have a poor picture of a couple of hummingbirds. I shall try again.

We also have scrub jays, red-winged blackbirds, Oregon juncos, house finches and some kind of sparrow (so far unidentifiable).

In case you didn't know I am a bird watcher, I am what I am.

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Cats have more fun than anybody -- sometimes. Check this.

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000, but feels pretty good about the result.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to bjuy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I am exactly 50!"

A little while later she goes into a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50 -- but thank you."

While waiting for a bus to go home, she asks an old man this burning question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 77 (merely a coincidence, fans) and my eyesight is going (another coincidence). Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence onthe empty street until her curiousity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both hands under blouse and bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and mentally weigh each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. After a couple of minutes of this, he rests. "Okay, okay," she says, "how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" She says, "I promise." And he says, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

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My favorite word today is atheism. N., I don't believe that. A non-prophet organization.

Sing a Scion of Six Pants

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronounciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very...slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr,gerrrrrrr,Kiiiiing."

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This is kind of cute, sort of.



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Here are some ways to be a GOOD Democrat:

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being a homosexual is natural.

You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of Federal funding.

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected but manger scenes at Chrismas should be illegal.

You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day, but it's not okay to say Merry Christmas in a Federal building.

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Ho ho har de har har: Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

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My favorite word today is UCLA. N., one of them southern places. Def.: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles.

Dung Beetles for Sale or Rent

Dung Beetles (Dried and Bagged) $5.90

Bag of roasted Buffalo Dung Beetles (Onitis sp), from Thailand.
(Large & Small, crunchy and full of protein)

This bag contains approximately 20-30 Buffalo Dung Beetles. They are probably the best tasting of all edible insects. They are found in nests under Buffalo Dung. The older dung that has been baking in the sun for days forms a crust and goes hard, the dung is lifted revealing a large nest of Dung Beetles. When the beetles have finished devouring their tasty Dung home, they will seek out the next freshly laid pat. Buffalo in Thailand feed on organic grass, shrubs and rice plants, the nutrients are passed on to the Dung Beetle. These tasty dung beetle are collected fresh, quick frozen, cleaned, dehydrated, seasoned and then packed in special foil pouches with oxygen absorbers. They are crunchy, have a great taste and are packed full of protein. Each Bug is approximately 10-20mm in length.

(This juicy little advertisement is courtesy of our friend, Miss Cellania, who knows how much Ol' Hoss dotes on Dung.)

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Bubba was bragging to his boss that he thinks he knows everybody there is any need to know. "Just name sombody," he says.

So the boss, tired of his boasting, says, "Tom Cruise."

Bubba says, "Tell you what, let's fly out to his place and I'll show you what's what." They get there, and Cruise pops out of his swimming pool and says, "Howdy, Bubba, long time no see. You and your friend are welcome to join us for drinks and a little repast."

Later, although impressed, the boss says, "You were just lucky." So Bubba says, "Name somebody. Name anybody."

So the boss says, "President Clinton."

"Yes," Bubba says. "I know him." At the White House, Clinton sees Bubba and motions him to join him. "I'm just on my way to a meeting but let's us three just have a cup of coffee first."

Shaken by now, the boss hasn't given up. "How about the Pope?", the boss asks.

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba sees the masses in Vatican Square, and knows the Pope wouldn't be able to pick up out in the crowd. So Bubba says, "All the guards know me, so they'll let me go with the Pope on the balcony." And sure enough, this transpires.

Later, Bubba is told his boss has had a heart attack. Bubba rushes to his side and asks, "What can I do, boss? Anything?"

The boss, barely alive, says, "I can't believe it. As I was coming out, one of the people in the crowd said, 'Who's that guy with Bubba?'"

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My favorite word today is disoriented. Adj., how to dis the orient. What happens when you spin an Oriental gentleman three times.

'Twas Just Three Years and a Day or Two Ago

Amazing! I was reading another b**g today and she said that as of Jan. 31 she will have been b**gging for three years. Blink! I checked out when I started, and it was on Jan. 12, 2005. I believe this makes me a hero. Like a Hero of the Soviet Union....you remember those? Me neither.

But, since I am now old and in the way, I am going to repeat a b**g I wrote before, and re-show a cartoon that is me forever: dung beetles at work. Herewith, from Jan. 23. 2005:

All Booked Up

Reading material. Don't get me started about reading material. Okay, you got me started, and it's your fault.

Recently, this area's doctors' offices unloaded all their ancient magazines on my Home for the Halt and the Lame. It seems as if the doctors are upgrading to magazines published in the 1990's. Here are some of the treasures:

All Booked Up

February, 1958, Good Housekeeping: "Lose weight by increasing your carb intake."
August, 1967, "Rotten Photos Mag": Only magazine known to have published Associated Press picture of decapitated head of Jayne Mansfield sitting on hood of car. (Not much call in the Home for this one.)
September, 1951, National Geographic: Mary Leakey boob photos.
December, 1947, Esquire: Vargas Girl drawing. Hoo boy!

The Administrators of the Home are not to be outdone by a bunch of outdated doctors. They have unloaded on us a whole raft of old books. To wit:

"The Da Vinci Load"--Story of Leonardo's first ejaculation and how it led to development of the Swimsuit Issue.
"The Gideon Bible"--Directory of hotels and motels.
"McGuffey's Reader"--See Spot run and hump your leg.
"McGuffey's Adobe Reader"--Deciphering the Morse Code.
"McGuffey's Spell-Check"--First known correct spelling of "onamatopoeia."
"Lady Chatterly's Cover"--An old world spy is outed by the New York Times.
"The Prince and the Pooper"--Standard tale of a boy and his dog.

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How about the warblings of a 4-year-old with accordion?

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My favorite word today is inverse. Adj., upside downside. Def.: The writings of the backward poet.

Picky, Picky, Picky

A drummer in the school band, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He walks into a music store, approaches the store clerk, and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator's got to stay."

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Have you ever thought of getting some New Shoes?

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I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon. So they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She says, "No." And Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think. Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She says, "No, they're not." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "I don't care what you think. Eat your lunch and go to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mom says, "No, they are not up." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom, finally exasperated, says, "Okay, tell me what you think."

He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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My favorite phrase today is all right. N., when Spring comes. Def.: A story about the guy whose whole left side was cut off.

Holy Crapolie

Three reasons to say "Holy Shit!!"






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Lame joke of the day:

Q.: Who was England's first podiatrist?

A.: William the Corncurer.

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These Cops Understand:

In Wellington, Fla., six members of a family were arrested at a mall on Dec. 20 in an incident that began over a pair of droopy jeans.

An estimated 20 deputies, two canine units and a police helicopter swarmed the area surrounding the mall's food court, shutting down two roads, after the Leger family attempted to stop deputies from arresting 20-year-old Frantz Leger, who had returned to the mall after being banned for wearing baggy jeans.

Said Palm Beach County Sheriff's Lt. Jay Hart: "It's a family affair. They get to spend the holiday in jail together. The mall doesn't put up with that tomfoolery bullcrap. His pants were down below his butt. No one goes to the mall and wants to see the crack of someone's butt."

(Especially Old Hoss.)

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A woman announces to her best friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful," the friend intones. "But I hope you don't mind my asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Well, what happened to your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible. I'm almost afraid to ask about the third husband."
"He died of a broken neck?"
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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My favorite word today is ROM. N., surviving the drinkability test. Def.: Subject of an old song: "Drinking ROM and Coca Cola, go down Point...."

There's New, Then There Is Old and Used

An old lady was standing at the rail of a cruise ship holding her hat so the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing upward in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."

"But madam," he protested. "You must know that your derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat."

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A small farmer in Missouri is talking to an agent from the Missouri State Wage and Hour Department. The agent demands to see a list of the farmer's employees and how much he pays each employee.
"Well," said the farmer, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 a month plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent says, "That's the guy I want talk to, the half-wit."

"That would be me," said the farmer.

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My favorite phrase today is show me. Vb., I'm from Missouri. Def.: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a-flat miner.

George Will Catch Up Someday, Maybe

Laura Bush bought George W. a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart, George has already taught him to pronounced more than 200 words."

"Wow! That's impressive," Cheney replied. "But you do realize he just says the words; he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura says. "Neither does George."

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There's an answer to everything. Check this one.

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In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. 12/17/2007.

Lawrence said he was getting horny on his way home, so he pulled over next to a pumpkin patch. He picked one out he thought suitable for his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." In the process, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car was swas unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

Officer Taylor said to him, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize you are having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze, and was clearly surprised that the officer was there. He looked her straight in the eye and said, "A pumpkin?!? Shit....is it midnight already?"

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My favorite word today is acupuncture. N., how they knit in Chinatown. Def.: A jab well done.

Why Not?

Here's why Daddy should be able to buy all the clothes:








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Here's a nomination for "Performance Artist of the Year":

In New York City, a man put on a business suit, kneepads and a rubber George W. Bush mask and crawled across Manhattan for 72 hours with a sign stuck to his posterior that read: "Kick My Ass."

Gets my vote.

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According to this YouTube, the Pope is running short of priests so he's setting up automated booths, like this one.

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A Cannibal was walking through the Amazon jungle when he comes upon a restaurant operated by a fellow Cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked at the menu....

++ Tourist......$5
++ Broiled Missionary.......$10
++ Fried Explorer.......$15
++ Baled Democrat or Grilled Republican.......$150

The Cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"

The cook said, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all day."

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My favorite phrase today is tooth and nail. N., lift that bar, tote that bail, get a little drunk.... Def.: When dentists and manicurists fight.

Who Needs Spider Webs?

Boy howdy, I am no good. Here it is January three and I didn't put up a rabbit. Now about all I can do is save what's left of the good luck in this month and hope not too much damage has been done. Rabbit! Rabbit!

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According to the Forest Service, these are actual comments left on registration sheets and comment cards by packers completing camping trips:

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
- I found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
- Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
- Instead of a permit system of regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
- Need more signs to keep area pristine.
- A McDonald's would be nice at trail's head.
- The places where trails do not exist are not well-marked.

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Let's see if I understand how the world works lately:

- If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the knife.

- If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

- If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, the police blame the bartender.

- If your grandchildren are brats without manners, their parents blame television.

- If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, the press blames the gun manufacturers.

- If a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazy deceased man blames the airline.

Maybe I have lived too long to understand the world anymore. So if I died while my old wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you all to blame Bill Gates.

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My favorite word today is pointless. Adj., I don't see no rime to it, Lester. Def.: Trying to write with a broken pencil.