Back When You and I Were Young

Don't this just make you hungry?

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Highway supervisors in Los Angeles are going with technology to solve the traffic problems. They are going to put sensors in the streets, and sensors in the cars. Then you just get in your car, say where you want to go, and -- bam! -- you're there, no problems. Sort of like a bus.

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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on Charlie taxiway! Your turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but try to get it right."

Continuing her rage, she shouted hysterically: "God, you have screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect specific instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

And then an unknown pilot broke the silence, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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My favorite word today is victim. N., poor baby. Def.: A person to whom shit happens.

I Declare This to Be 'Brother's Day'

Or, it could be "Sister's Day." Just as long as it's one or the other, or better yet, both.

See, I don't have (any more) a mother or father, so that leaves me with nobody to say nice things about. You people with mothers and fathers get to say all kinds of nice things ("taught me everything I know"; "taught me stuff I didn't want to know", etc.). Now then, if we had a Brother's and Sister's Day, most of the rest of us could roll out our platitudes.

My brother, Richard Lee Maudlin (aka Dick Maudlin), is entirely worthy of praise. For one thing, he used to write on our little church envelopes his name: "Dick the P." I giggled every time he did it.

Another time, some neighborhood acquaintance wanted Dick and me (ages 7 and 6) to take down a neighborhood bully and make him say uncle. So we squared off. The bully had me in a bad way, but brother Dick was on his back, pulling his hair. So he "uncled," and we each got 5 cents for a fudgesicle. (Big money in 1936.)

When we were about 11 and 10 and visiting our Grandfather down in New Pine Creek, we went fishing in Lily Lake. I caught a fat 12-inch rainbow but couldn't seem to haul it in. My brother stepped in the water, grabbed the fish and took it up above an old downed Ponderosa pine. You got a brother who will walk in the water for you?

In high school there was a thing called the Grahlman Award. It was given to the senior who was judged best in his class in football, basketball and track. No student had ever won in two different sports; my brother was judged best in ALL THREE. You got a brother who walks on water?

Except for mostly some broken attempts at a higher education in Eugene and Salem, my brother went back to Bend and lived there the rest of his life. He retired, then decided to run for County Commissioner. He had never run for much of anything. But it was almost no contest, two elections in a row. I think he cures people, too.

Now Dick has some form of cancer. He's in the second round of chemotherapy. Naturally, he's winning. He always won.

Happy Brother's Day, Dick.

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My favorite word today is solutions. N., liquidity. Def.: The reason there are problems.

There's Always a Solution

Holy hot streak! The temperature here yesterday was 95 degrees -- seven degrees higher than the previous record for the day.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know. I've never seen such ineptitude."

Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's ask him.....Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're really slow."

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime."

Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I am going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Can't these guys play at night?"

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The French will eat almost anything. So a young cook decided to raise rabbits and sell them to the finer restaurants in Paris. He looked and looked for a site to raise the rabbits but was not successful until an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory.

So he raised a bunch of rabbits and started in selling them. One day a restaurant owner asked where he got such fresh rabbits.

"I raise them myself, near the cathedral," the man replied. "I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

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My favorite word today is diets. N., I am SO losing this. Def.: You go on multiples because one isn't enough food.

Zippity Do-Dah

Gack! I just discovered it is going to be eighty-eight (88) degrees here today. Shoo fly pie and apple pan dowdy.

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I have tried and tried to stamp out the word b**g; you know that. I have tried and tried to stamp out butt-crack; you also know that. I also have tried and tried to stamp out the use of the word f**k; you know that very well.

None of this has worked; therefore, I am going to Make My Pile and move to Wales, where they have a different stupid language so you never know what the hell is going on but at least it won't be b**g, butt-crack or f**k. Here is how I am going to Make My Pile:

Treachery.

If that doesn't work, I will try

Guile.

Or,

Deceit.

The way this is going to work is that I will get my buddy Bill Gates involved. This is going to be like taking candy from a baby. You know Gates doesn't have any smarts or he would have bought Google a long time ago. I think I will tell him to just give me the money so I don't have to cheat him out of it. I would hate to make him look like a sap.

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I know it is WAY past Easter, but I just now found out a way to bring you this Easter Egg Roll. So now am I forgiven?

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My favorite word today is head. N., not the Navy kind. Def.: A funnel to the stomach.

Short Shrift Saturday #25

A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He got toward the end of the second street and saw a man out gardening. He asked, "Who's the boss around here?"

The man replied, "I am."

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which would you prefer?"

The man thought for a minute, and said, "The black one."

The man's wife interrupted. "No, no, get the brown one."

"Here's your chicken," said the farmer.

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My favorite word today is monia. N., takes strong medicine. Def.: It starts out pneu but it gets old.

California Now and Then, or Then and Now

Janie sent this along to Feelgood Haines:

Way back in 1850, California became a state. It had no electricity. It had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets.

Pretty much like it is now, except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

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Do these glasses make my nose look fat?

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Good ol' Peskie told me this:

A woman is walking down the street and she sees an Indian wearing a necklace made of alligator teeth.

She says, "That's nice. I imagine those mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"No," he says. "Anyone can open an oyster."

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Here's a great line from my pal Ivy:

"Normally I ride the bus to work. Mostly because I tend to nap on the way downtown, whether DART drives or I do."

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My favorite word today is ummm. Adj., what is it? Def.: To pretend interest in some object brought over by a 3-year-old.

Who Has More Fun Than Beetles?

While I was gallivanting about the country I was not idle. As usual, I was on the lookout for dung beetle stories and, as usual, I was rewarded: "SCIENTISTS STUDY DUNG BEETLE POPULATIONS" The main conclusion: "The dung beetle food situation stinks." Ho ho har de har har.

"Food for dung beetles in the Elephant Park of Southern Mozambique lacks diversity," the study says. I don't get this. Shit is shit Dung is dung, isn't it? They need it chocolate covered? With raisins? (Hee. I said raisins. Hoss 1.)

Later on, this is explained: "Some (beetles) prefer dry over wet dung, different fiber content, or different sizes of droppings." (No word on chocolate.) So when a dry dung beetle can only get wet dung, scientists would say this is "too bad."

This needs to be corrected, for these scientists tell us that "transporting dung down into the soil does all sorts of good things." Don't that just button up the petunias?

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The maharajah of an Indian state ordered that no wild animals were to be killed under any circumstances. Pretty soon there were so many Bengal Tigers roaming around killing humans that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. It is the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

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My favorite word today is alphabet.* N., wait for it. Def.: The main gorilla gets odds of 6 to 5.

(*O.K., Bonnie; did you get this one?)

I've Been Everywhere, Man

So I am playing with myself in the Dallas Airport and up walks this vision of loveliness name of Karla, and she gives me a hug. Karla has a wonderful b**g (go read it) with which she never has any trouble because her husband is a computer whiz. After one thing and another (husband will NEVER know this part), Karla hands me a gift: A Spam snow machine! Hah! You don't have one, and I do. Hoss 1, You 0. (Karla also has a beautiful physique, but her husband will never hear it from me.)

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There is Texarkana, TX, and Texarkana, AR, and here I am (with assorted minions) standing in both. The children are Lucas and Carli, belonging to Tisha and Walt Sharp. Tisha also is beautiful, you see. I attract beautiful people because I am so pretty.

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In Michi-
gan, Vicki also gave me a gift: Her lucky mar-
ble. This mar-
ble is VERY lucky, for I have flown Portland-Las Vegas-Detroit-Atlanta-Memphis-Atlanta-Dallas-Texarkana, TX-Dallas-Denver-Portland, got wheelchairs everywhere and am home. I am SO lucky.

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Here's a story Tisha's mother-in-law, Carmen, told me:

Years ago Carmen was a member of a group that had done something (I forget what) so noteworthy it came to the attention of Governor Bill Clinton, down there in Arkansas. So a bunch of women gathered to be feted by Gov. Bill. He puts his arms around a couple of them for a photo opportunity, including Carmen -- and grabs her by the butt!

She whispers, "Bill, my child is here!" So he lets go.

In the evening, Gov. Bill is supposed to dine with these ladies. He walks into the restaurant, spies a "drop-dead gorgeous" woman, gives her a deep kiss and walks out the door with her.

"And that," Carmen says, "is how we almost met Gennifer Flowers."

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My favorite word today is Bible. N., keep one in the bathroom. Def.: The only contract that doesn't have loopholes.

Tennessee to Texarkana: Alliteration Rules

So Poopie took me to her company picnic. The rule was one free drink per person. Please note that Poopie has been there before, so we were well-supplied with cups. That is me on the left. The pretty one.

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I spent two days in Tennessee with Poopie. Part of one day we spent stuck in the mud when she was trying to show me the local river, named Forked Deer. (Poopie said "forked." Hee. Hoss 1, Poopie 0.) So we got out of the mud and went back to her house where she whipped up pork tenderloin. Did you ever go someplace and not want to go home?

Poopie (who is Janie) introduced me to her parents, Janet and Billie. He's as old as I am (75 220/365ths), and HE'S STILL WORKING. Gack.

This is me on Poopie's Pecan Lane. She collects about 100 lbs. of pecans from along the road, bakes them 8 cups at a time, then sends them all to me. (Poopie: Maybe this is wrong. Let me know.)

Then I got on the airplane and went to meet Tisha Sharp, her husband, Walt, and her kids, Lucas and Carli, in Texarkana, which is in Strange, TX. All of the Sharps are really actually sharp. The city is in conflict with itself, inasmuch as there is a Texarkana, TX, and a Texarkana, AR. All the churches are in Texas; all the liquor stores are in Arkansas. So, I got an Arkansas sweatshirt.

Tisha lets me kiss her all I want. Only I don't want much because her husband is 6'7" of kindness except unless you kiss his wife a lot. This is, then, a good place to visit when you don't have a prostate.

You can hear a lot by listening. For instance, Tish tells me that in McCurtain County, Oklahoma, a good way to kill somebody by suicide is to shoot them in the back.

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My favorite phrase today is liberty or death. N., not much to choose. Def.: An early visionary's version of "better dead than Red."

Moving Right Along

This will be hard to believe. No, wait, this will be easy to believe.

I guess the problem is that it depends upon where you live. If you are a northerner, like me, you never heard of this. If you are a southerner in Dyersburg, Tenn., like my host Janie, what could be more natural than that your brother is named "Bubba"? No shit shit, her brother is David "Bubba" Stafford. She had to think for a minute about what his first name is, because to everybody he is "Bubba."

I found this hard to believe. She thought it was as natural as sin. So it goes.

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Janie is fixing up this 85-year-old ranch house where she lives. The dining room is done, and it is spectacular. The living room awaits; it is not yet spectacular. But she is determined. All she needs now is to give up petting her dogs (Faith and Butter Bean -- pictured, smiling (!), at left) and three cats (whose names escape me) to get enough time. (Umm...good luck, Janie....)

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Did you know that here, in the South, there is such a thing as NASCAR? The Memphis newspaper refuses to give it more than a page and a half of play -- each day.

Here are the NASCAR rules: If there is a fight in the pits, that gives you a two-week suspension. If there is a fight on the raceway, that gives you a one-week suspension. Why the difference?

The fans can see the fight on the raceway.

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My favorite word today is nexus. N., oh, I get it. The guy in the next chair over from both us.

You'll Never Know Just How Much....

I am flying so much, I get a little nervous about some of the shenanigans going on in the air. For instance, here's a picture I took as we were going in for a landing in Detroit. I don't know what happened. Maybe the other guy blinked.

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So, this man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on vacation to Israel. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.

The funeral director says, "We can ship the body home for $5,000, or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for just $150. What would you like to do?"

The man thinks, and finally says, "Let's ship her home."

The funeral director protests. "Why would you want to do that, when you can have her buried here for only $150?"

"Well, see," the man says, "you had a guy who got buried here, and then rose from the dead after three days. I just can't take that chance."

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My favorite word today is sincerity. Adj., an attribute. Def.: What to try when all else fails.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch

Whilst in Vegas, my pal Vicki took this picture of buddies from far places. Seated are Tom, left, of Born Fool (Kentucky), and Ol' Hoss (Oregon). From left, standing, are Paul, his babe Mandy of Word Whiz (Connecticut), Kira of WhizWyrd and her fiance, Alex the good ol' Frenchman (South Carolina). All of these (plus Vicki - Michigan) were the Good People in Las Vegas. Everybody else was, as scientists would say, No Good.

So, what you missed was "O", the Cirque de Soleil. I have never seen anything like it, nor have you. Except now I've seen it, and you haven't: Hoss 1, You 0. Here's just one scene:

There is a large pool of water, maybe 60x100 feet. This water can be replaced, from underneath, by a solid floor, or just segments of a floor. At the end we see this fellow playing piano, with a dame reclining thereon. As the show ends, the man is playing the piano as it sinks into the water -- and he keeps playing even while completely immersed. MAGIC!! So now I have seen it, and you haven't: Hoss 2, You 0.

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Here's a conversation between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 747 (with call sign of Speed 206), as provided by my buddy Debi:

Speed 206: "Frankfurt, clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speed 206, taxi to Alpha Gate One-Seven."

Speed 206 taxis onto the main taxiway, then comes to a stop.

Ground: "Speed 206, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed 206: "Stand by, Ground, I am looking up our gate location right now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speed 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speed 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944. But I didn't land."

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My favorite word today is leavened. N., no salt, please. Def.: In my church, what must be un.

A Friend in Need Is Befriended

Last night I broke down and wept. Because of my lung disease I am inordinately short of breath, and can barely get around. Almost everything has to be done for me. So I cried and told Vicki, with whom I am staying in Michigan, that I shouldn't have come.

She said, "Don't feel that way. You can stay here forever."

I sincerely hope you have a friend like that.

Making People Famous

I don't know if it's fair dinkum to pat the hand that feeds you, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's the first of the month -- time for my Perfect Post to be awarded to Lucinda of Suburban Turmoil. Lucinda is one of the sponsors of the Perfect Post, and she is perfection indeed in this post where baby outwits the parents.

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Many, many years ago an aquaintance of mine started on the road toward being famous. His name was Bud Clark, a Northwest Portland tavern owner and liberal activist.

One fine day a friend of his went with him to downtown Portland where they made this picture -- "Expose Yourself to Art." The rest is history. Bud later went on to be mayor of Portland.

He once made a foray into Salem, where he presented me with a signed copy of this outstanding print. I have moved four times since then, and it is lost to history. Scientists say this "too bad."

The whole story behind this print, which is known throughout the country, can be found at Errol Graphics.

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Rudyard Kipling once wrote a story about war in India, which he entitled "Gunga Din." Not too many people have read the sequel about his sister, "Gunga Ho."

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My favorite phrase today is no, not really. N., I can't be that good. Def.: A remark reserved for use by someone who has been flattered beyond civility.

We'll Never Get Out of Here Alive (And Short Shrift Saturday #24)

This Bellagio place is huge. We cannot find our way anywhere. We will not get out of here alive.

Fortunately, we don't need to. There are 19 (nineteen) restaurants and 26 shops. Plus, of course, places to sleep. So once you are in here, you are not leaving. The exits to the doors are manned by animals like this one.

It is a swell place, though, so thinking about trying to get out is a little rambunctious. For instance, take a look at the Conservancy, which has Chihully glass and 10,000 flowers.

This is part of what Chihully has wrought. It is free to look at. Everything else costs at least $4.75. I found abalone on a menu: A cool $88.

On the plane here,
Vicki got to sit next to a guy who weighed in at 485 pounds. The only reason she knows this is because he told her he used to weigh 827, and he was proud of how much weight he had lost.

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My favorite word today is lose. Adj., tighten the screws, boys. Def.: The only logical end to a sentence that starts out "How much did you?"

A Streetcar Bell Named Desire

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Thelma went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother, and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Thelma told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, dear," said granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm -- nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear. "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

(This little gem is from my pal The Pirate.)

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Okay, how about one from Huw:

A bus carrying a group of nuns crashed, killing all on board. At the pearly gates, St. Peter asks: "Before you are granted entry to heaven, have any of you ever touched a man's genitals?"

A nun, shamefacedly, raises her hand. "I once put my finger on some." And St. Peter says, "Wash that finger in this bowl of holy water, and you may enter."

The next nun pipes up: "I once touched some genitals with my hand." And St. Peter says, "Wash your hand in the holy water, and you may enter."

Suddenly there is a commotion as Sister Marie pushes and her way from the back of the queue. "What is the meaning of this?" inquires St. Pete.

Sister Marie explains: "I want to wash my mouth out before Sister Bernadette washes her cooter."

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My favorite word today is son-deip-faran-Y-Gfret. N., huh? Def.: A Welsh word meaning "will-meet-at-HeavensGate-for-kidney-sauce-whether-the-glue-sets-in-the-inkwell-two-inches-wide."

Las Vegas, Here I Come

Today is the day I go to Las Vegas for a mini-convention of b**ggers. Among others, I will be meeting Vicki; Kira and her fiance, Alex; Mandy and her pal, Paul, and Tom. All fine fettles.

The purpose of this is for me to teach them how to write us all to get drunk and doobied. Then, after that, I am going to Michigan to see Vicki and her husband, Rich, then I am going to Tennessee to see Poopie, and then to Texas to see Tisha and her husband, Walt, and their progeny. I will try to post. Maybe I won't. Surely I will. Possibly.

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In a Texas Air Control Tower:

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be praised."

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is great!"

Static....

Iran Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Iran Air 711?"

Iran Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY, GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now, and tell Allah 'hey' for us, ya hear?"

(Moral: Don't mess with Texas.)

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My favorite word today is bumper. N., I never noticed this before. Def.: That rubber or plastic goodie found on the underside of your toilet seat.

Memes Is Running Out My Ears

Here's another meme. I jump all over these because otherwise I have nothing. Just like you. I got this from Carolyn and Angie.

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I AM: the words that follow "I think, therefore"
I WANT dung beetles that work independently.
I WISH bone.
I HATE having to get up to go pee.
I MISS the toilet, most of the time.
I FEAR the cleaning lady is going to be pissed.
I HEAR, thanks to hearing aids.
I WONDER how many more there are of these.
I REGRET knowing how horny you are.
I AM NOT just another pretty face.
I DANCE to the slower drummer.
I SING: Oh, bullshit.
I CRY whambo mo jambo, Tarzan love Jane.
I AM NOT ALWAYS never forthright.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS fart sounds.
I WRITE, therefore I am?
I CONFUSE my enemas.
I NEED a new prostate.
I SHOULD get laid if I had a new prostate.
I START laughing before you get to the punch line because I've heard it before.
I FINISH drinking long after you do.

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Save the earth. It's the only place that has chocolate.

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Some young guys use this line: "Want to go get a pizza, then screw?" Usually the answer is "No." Then the guys say: "Whatsa matter? Don't like pizza?" (--Courtesy of Sudiegirl.)

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My favorite phrase today is I'll be go to hell. Adj., and you will. Def.: The concealed pasture three miles across that lies between you and what you thought was the top of the hill.

This Won't Be Pretty

I been in communication with this dame who thinks writing a b**g about writing a b**g would be enlightening. I don't think so. Let's see:

Hoss awakens at 6:45 a.m., and wonders whether to have breakfast, read the paper, or write the b**g. Goes and takes leak instead.

Having read the newspaper, I am still adrift for a topic. These things came to mind:

1. Beat up on Dubya.
2. Beat up on the Duke lacrosse team.
3. Beat up on the oil barons.
4. Rewrite Aesop's Fables.

Hoss awakens at 10:15 a.m., having had his power nap. Feels empowered. Is actually powerless. So he powers down.

I checked out several magazines for a topic. National Geo is short on boobies. Discovery is short on discoveries. Oregon Realtor is long on $500,000 homes. And so the decision is made to write about mad cow disease.

Shit. You don't know anything about cows, insane or not. This is not going to work. Overs.

So I go all Instant Messenger to the dame mentioned above. She says, "You know, it's funny, but have you noticed how Thanksgiving always falls on a Thursday?"

Gee, out of the mouths of babes. (And, boy, do I mean babe. Hoo boy.) So now I'm set for a topic -- the start of the Christmas season.

Tomorrow I will be writing about Christmas. Perhaps.

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My favorite word today is worry. N., toil and trouble. Def.: Descriptive of what you're doing about tomorrow and today isn't even over yet.

Hoss Gets to Do Another Meme. Hoo Boy.

Hoo boy. Blogger wasn't working until just now (10:45 a.m. PST). So it goes.



I forgot where I got this meme. If I remember, I will tell you. Maybe.

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4 Jobs I have had:
Newspaperman
Soccer mom
Dung beetle herder
Linguini

4 movies I would watch over and over:
Why do they always put movies in this shit?
King Kong, and that's it.

4 places I have lived:
Bend, Oregon
Salem, Oregon
Alamo, California
Hell and Back

4 TV shows I love to watch:
Baseball
Football
Basketball
Ma and Pa Kettle

4 places I have been on vacation:
Here and There
Florida Keys
Panama Canal Locks
Combination Lock

4 web sites I visit daily:
Outside In
Tisha
Lois Lane
The other 110 of you

4 of my favorite foods:
Escargot
Manna
Peanut Butter and Jam
Butterflied Pork Strudel

4 places I would rather be right now:
Reincarnated as the Pope
Reincarnated as a dung beetle
Either of the above
With you

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My favorite phrase today is open, sesame. N., it IS open, isn't it? Def.: The area between overhangs that you have to cross when it's raining.