I've Been Everywhere, Man

So I am playing with myself in the Dallas Airport and up walks this vision of loveliness name of Karla, and she gives me a hug. Karla has a wonderful b**g (go read it) with which she never has any trouble because her husband is a computer whiz. After one thing and another (husband will NEVER know this part), Karla hands me a gift: A Spam snow machine! Hah! You don't have one, and I do. Hoss 1, You 0. (Karla also has a beautiful physique, but her husband will never hear it from me.)

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There is Texarkana, TX, and Texarkana, AR, and here I am (with assorted minions) standing in both. The children are Lucas and Carli, belonging to Tisha and Walt Sharp. Tisha also is beautiful, you see. I attract beautiful people because I am so pretty.

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In Michi-
gan, Vicki also gave me a gift: Her lucky mar-
ble. This mar-
ble is VERY lucky, for I have flown Portland-Las Vegas-Detroit-Atlanta-Memphis-Atlanta-Dallas-Texarkana, TX-Dallas-Denver-Portland, got wheelchairs everywhere and am home. I am SO lucky.

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Here's a story Tisha's mother-in-law, Carmen, told me:

Years ago Carmen was a member of a group that had done something (I forget what) so noteworthy it came to the attention of Governor Bill Clinton, down there in Arkansas. So a bunch of women gathered to be feted by Gov. Bill. He puts his arms around a couple of them for a photo opportunity, including Carmen -- and grabs her by the butt!

She whispers, "Bill, my child is here!" So he lets go.

In the evening, Gov. Bill is supposed to dine with these ladies. He walks into the restaurant, spies a "drop-dead gorgeous" woman, gives her a deep kiss and walks out the door with her.

"And that," Carmen says, "is how we almost met Gennifer Flowers."

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My favorite word today is Bible. N., keep one in the bathroom. Def.: The only contract that doesn't have loopholes.