Why Not?

Here's why Daddy should be able to buy all the clothes:








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Here's a nomination for "Performance Artist of the Year":

In New York City, a man put on a business suit, kneepads and a rubber George W. Bush mask and crawled across Manhattan for 72 hours with a sign stuck to his posterior that read: "Kick My Ass."

Gets my vote.

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According to this YouTube, the Pope is running short of priests so he's setting up automated booths, like this one.

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A Cannibal was walking through the Amazon jungle when he comes upon a restaurant operated by a fellow Cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked at the menu....

++ Tourist......$5
++ Broiled Missionary.......$10
++ Fried Explorer.......$15
++ Baled Democrat or Grilled Republican.......$150

The Cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"

The cook said, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all day."

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My favorite phrase today is tooth and nail. N., lift that bar, tote that bail, get a little drunk.... Def.: When dentists and manicurists fight.

Who Needs Spider Webs?

Boy howdy, I am no good. Here it is January three and I didn't put up a rabbit. Now about all I can do is save what's left of the good luck in this month and hope not too much damage has been done. Rabbit! Rabbit!

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According to the Forest Service, these are actual comments left on registration sheets and comment cards by packers completing camping trips:

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
- I found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
- Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
- Instead of a permit system of regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
- Need more signs to keep area pristine.
- A McDonald's would be nice at trail's head.
- The places where trails do not exist are not well-marked.

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Let's see if I understand how the world works lately:

- If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the knife.

- If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

- If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, the police blame the bartender.

- If your grandchildren are brats without manners, their parents blame television.

- If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, the press blames the gun manufacturers.

- If a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazy deceased man blames the airline.

Maybe I have lived too long to understand the world anymore. So if I died while my old wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you all to blame Bill Gates.

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My favorite word today is pointless. Adj., I don't see no rime to it, Lester. Def.: Trying to write with a broken pencil.

Hilary Maketh Disappearance

Hilary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk to the children. After her talk, she offers a question-and-answer time.

One little boy raises his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"Actually, I have three questions:
"First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years as President?
"Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
"Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then, the bill rings for recess. Hilary informs the kids they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hilary says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hilary asks him what his name is. "My name is Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" she asks.

"Really, I have five questions:
"First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years as President?
"Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
"Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
"Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"Fifth, what happened to Kenneth?"

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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard when he dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench, glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out proudly:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

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My favorite phrase today is fully recovered. Adv., good thing it wasn't botulism. Def.: What happens to the guy who falls into the upholstery machine.

The Lad Has All the Answers

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. So one day they decide they want to get married. Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this is just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without taking even a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny gets $5 a week and I make $10 a week. That's about $60 a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks, and says, "Well lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm."

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break its leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to that bird, I'm going to do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

"Well, mister, I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go."

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My favorite word today is LAN. N., where the next rover settles down. Def.: To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert! Can you LAN me your truck?"

It's So Nice to Be on High

It is the time for Christmas (or Hannakkuh or Kwanzza, whatever you're into) gifts. I am giving away dead batteries. They are free of charge.

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I wonder if monkeys can tell jokes as well as we can? We'll see.....

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

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When four of Santa's elves got sick (click on "Merry Xmas" to see why they were sick), the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and he had no idea where they were. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa, even more irritated, marched to the door, yanked it open -- and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. (That's a story that lens itself to laughter.)

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My favorite word today is reboot. Adj., I'm not quite ready. Def.: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Tie a Can to It

In the Pig Apple, architects and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most elaborate structure, using little more than cans of food at Canstruction, the 13th annual NYC Design and Build Competition. The best thing: When it's all over, all the cans go to the Food Bank.




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An example of why we love children:

It was the end of the day when he parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and he saw a little boy staring at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure it," he replied." Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, "What'd he do?"

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On a Translatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is often, and things go from bad to worse. Suddenly, one wing is struck by lightning.

One pretty woman loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane and yells, "Im too young to die." Then she says, "If I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Wyoming cowboy stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well-built, with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his short, slowly. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. He whispers, "Iron this. Then get me a beer."

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Six truths of life:

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon email this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

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My favorite word today is keyboard. N., at least 88 keys. Def.: A place to hang your truck keys.

The Pickled Fickled Finger of Fate

Sometimes I start out writing a b**g and forget what it was supposed to be about. You've never done that. Me, I start out writing about winter squash and first thing you know I'm fishing in Mud Puppy Lake.

Here's a persample: I found this youtube thing the other day and captured it for my b**g. Put it where you see it now -- and promptly forgot what it was all about. It could have been about finding long-necky dinosaurs in Montana, but I'm pretty sure it's not. It, more likely, was about dung beetles in Tumbuktu, but I'm not sure.

And then suddenly it dawns upon me! It is about The Finger. And not just any Finger, but The Deadly Fickle Finger of Fate!

Let's look in and see. Maybe it's not so bad.......

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In 1886, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University in Illinois. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with his right leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There, he found a large piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing other than being trampled.

Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its right foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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My favorite word today is cursor. N., it could be worser. Def.: What some guys do when they're mad at their wife.

The Punster Strikes Again

One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to the pull the wool over our ice."

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This woman is wearing the best in Hanes.

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Maybe the guy below didn't mean this kind of tail.

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A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas when he sees a sign on a restaurant:

"Lobster Tail Beer"

"Holy moley," he says to himself, "my three favorite things."

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I knew it! I knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-a-Flat

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A woman says to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday were meat at one end but nothing but cornmeal at the other end."

The butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is...it's difficult to make both ends meat."

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My favorite phrase today is Santa's elves. N., jolly old toymakers. Def.: Subordinate clauses.

Accchmed the Dead Terrist

Click here for a dose of Achmed, the dead terrorist. Or not. I mean, if you don't like humor.....

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Ol' Achmed will take you about 10 minutes to gather it all in, so the rest of this post will be of the short-end variety. Like.....

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Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race. Their planet consists of a gigantic shopping center. The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first. How could this be. But, after tremendous amounts of research, they have confirmed.....
.
.
.
.
...that it's a mall world after all.

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"Forgive me father for I have sinned," a woman said in the confessional. "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest though for a minute and said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass, then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

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"When I'm gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man on his deathbead said to his wife.

"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all your life."

"Still do," gasped the husband.

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My favorite word today is floppy. N., they make these anymore? Def.: When you run out of Polygrip.

Just Another Day at the Pharmacy

A calm and respectable lady went to the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight in his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things can happen. Absolutely not! You cannot buy any cyanide."

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed.

The pharmacist looked at the picture, and said, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't say you had a prescription."

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The Right Wing TV Preacher was in the shower. Although he is very strict about the one man-one woman rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of those occasions. Just as he reached a climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of his sanctimonious seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Preacher. "You can't print that. You'll destroy the reputation of my TV Church."

"This is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Preacher offered the buy the camera. After lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a price of two million dollars.

The Preacher then dried himself off, dressed, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she said. "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars," said the Preacher.

"Two million dollars!!" said the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming."

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My favorite phrase today is poultry in motion. Adj., which came first? Def.: The chicken crossing the road.

Miscellhoonius

Here is another cartoon featuring Engrish. Reminds me of me. So it goes.

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How about this display of loyalty?

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Tabor has offered me this here meme, which goes as so:

* Link (see above) to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your b**g.
* Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.

I have done this before, but I didn't get all the weirdo-ness out of my system. Here are more others some a few:

1. When I got hungry as a child I would fill a salt-shaker with sugar and spend half a day lapping it down. This is how I became so sweet.

2. At about age 30 I had my first Sweet and Sour Pork. This is how I became so acidic.

3. At about age 8 I memorized a bunch of gum ads ("Gimme a pack of Beeman's Pepsin chewing gum, please." "Double your pleasure, double your fun." This is how I learned to appreciate Black Jack gum.

4. I was about 12 when a few of us crawled into the Horse Caves, northeast of Bend, OR. Scary place. I got out. I never went back. This is how I became a fraidy-cat.

5. Television came to Albany, Oregon, where I was working, in about 1955. It was in a bar, in the Albany Hotel. This is how I learned to go to bars. In hotels.

6. In 1958 I hiked 6 miles, mostly uphill, to Firecamp Lakes in Oregon. First, I called the Game Commission to find out if there were fish in the Firecamp Lakes. I was assured there were fish. This is why I don't believe anything I hear.

7. I am now 77 and have never done any yoga. When I was young, I was able to tie myself into a figure 8. This is why I look like a pretzel. That's pretty weird, I'd say.

Tabor also said I am entitled to tag 7 people to do this meme. No way. All of you are smarter than me.

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Hoo boy, are you ever going to love this.

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My favorite word today is Aids. N., when you and I were young, Maggie. Def.: When my order of human growth hormone arrives.

More Fun and Games

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of the holy season," Pete said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and came up with a cigarette lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and came out with a set of keys. "They're bells."

St. Pete said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow, and asked, "Just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "Those are Carol's."

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Follow the bouncing ball.

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A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girl discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached.

She convinced the others that the old saying, "Blondes have more fun," is true: The ladied became so popular they were able to charge exorbitant rates. They even charged their taxi fares to the men they served.

When hard times hit, the ladies knew they would have to do something. They understood the law of supply and demand so they decided to lower their rates, and to quit charging the taxis to the Johns.

Thus they became known as (all together now) The taxi-free municipal blondes.

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My favorite phrase today is mouse pad. N., all the electronics stores have them. Def.: What hippies say is where the mice live.

Is There Egg in That Egg Nog?

You want some keen magic tricks? Say no more, just click here. I never seed a fella so clever....

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Every year or so, a representative of the Food and Drug Administration drops in on the Smiling Hill Farm in Maine. No big deal, just checking and on his way. Except this time was different: The inspector spied a batch of Smiling Hill Egg Nog and discovered, to his dismay, that eggs were not listed as an ingredient.

Now, everybody knows egg is an allergen, and so it must be explicity listed as an ingredient somewhere on the one-and-three-eighths-inch-wide cap.

Warren Knight protested: "The cap says Egg Nog!"

Big deal. The inspector told the Maine Department of Agriculture all egg nog on store shelves -- about 400 gallons at that point -- had to be recalled to protect people with allergies who don't know there is egg in egg nog.

Yeah, right. Next you'll be telling us there is maple in the maple syrup and lobster in the lobster.

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Did you ever wonder...

Why sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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My favorite phrase today is red-faced smarts. N., no, not that kind of smarts. Def.: The combined embarrassment and pain when caught publicly plucking your nose hairs.

I Only Use @#$%! When I Have To

Rabbit! Rabbit! Say this on the 1st of the Month (or, in this case, the 3rd) and have good luck all month long. Like I do.

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The 1st of the Month is also when we present our Perfect Post winner. This time it's Vitamin Sea, and how she collects the remote.

"Perfect Post" is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. Go visit these sites to see names of all the winners.

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There are only a few times when using the @#$%! word is permissible:

11. "What the @#$%! do you mean we're sinking?" -- Capt. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$%! was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did aall those @#$%!ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%!ing idiot could understand that!" -- Einstein, 1938.

7. "It does so @#$%!ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%! did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%!ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$%! are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%!ing showers my ass!: -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw, c'mon, who the @#$%! is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%!ing mad!" -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

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Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a french journalist and animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting. "Tell me," the interviewer began, "what do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Naw, deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?' 'Who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?' They are very much like the French."

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My favorite word today is balderdash. N., speedy goodbye. Def.: A rapidly receding hairline.

She's Got Zits on Her But I Love Her

Have you seen this gem? A little old lady is caught snoozing at a crosswalk. Too bad about the wake-up toot. I love YouTube.

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Dear Hoss:

My wife has these terrible zits on her back. When we're making love my fingers inevitably touch one or more of these dudes, which gives me the willy-nillys. Is there anything that would get rid of these zits? --Nillied in Nullsville.

Dear Nillied:

Battery acid, acetylene torch and a cold chisel all work good on zits. Or, you could cut off your hands.

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This is supposed to be an American experiment. Fascinating, although I don't know what it's supposed to prove. Maybe that you can atomize an airplane if you do it right....

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Dear Hoss:

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"? --Bemused in Bimini.

Dear Bummed:

I think it's because that's when Limbaugh is on. Maybe not.

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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him and said, "Hi, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she said. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?"

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer."

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My favorite phrase today is floppy disc. N., they don't flop 'em like they used to. Def.: What you get from carrying in the Sunday newspaper.

Comfort Comes in a 1-Pound Gift

The theory is that when you get sick, you get a pet to confront comfort you. So Scamp goes to this pet store and gets this teensy thing, which is supposed to cheer me up.

This is a Papillon, made up mostly of ears. It currently weighs about a pound, but the veterinarian said in time it will get all the way up to FIVE pounds. We like it immense like. And I AM recovering, sort of, so don't feel bad for me. If I get viciously ill, I will let you know.

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Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch them slow down.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! Third time this week!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

At the drive-through, specify that your order is "to go."

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More new words and definitions by dropping the first letter of a word:

iarrhea. Def.: Running on about oneself.

oreplay. Def.: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft.

ouch-and-go. Def.: A dominatrix's house call.

oxtrot. Def.: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance.

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My favorite word today is inoculatte. N., get it at Starbuck's. Def.: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Busted

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth died on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which one of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, the most perfect breasts God ever created. I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, then asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged, and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair."

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The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a fine horse but I will still kill you in two days. When is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, the horse gallops away. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a many of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse -- alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dumb ass horse. For the last time, bring posseeeee!!"

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My favorite word today is download. N., after loading up. Def.: Getting the groceries out of the car.

You Have a Cat Like This?

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force moujth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Crown Royal. Pour shot, drink. Apply whiskey compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw bloodied T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followe by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume rest of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in air.

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My favorite phrase today is ho's who? N., with pictures yet. Def.: National registry of prominent hookers.

Big Bird

Before I became a sicknik we went to the Oregon Coast. En route we passed by the Jackson Bottom Wetlands Preserve at Hillsboro to see this one-of-a-kind: the nest of a Bald Eagle.

I pictured the Scamp here for perspective's sake (the nest is the one with the sticks. Ho ho har de har har). The nest was in a three-pronged tree, part of which had fallen and the rest was due to go. So the local electric company chopped the tree off, lowered this to the ground, and gave it to the refuge. A permit was obtained from the US Fish and Wildlife Service.

Here's the power company in action. The entire contraption weighs 3,000 pounds.

It is the only known Bald Eagle nest in the entire Noo Nited States.

And, yes, the Momma and Poppa eagles still nest in the area. Hooray for wildlife.

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The blonde screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick, my house is on fire!"

The fire chief says, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blonde says, "Duh, use the Red Truck."

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The Bobbitts are back together and now are evangelists. She is using, as her text, the Book of Acts, and he is using Second Peter.

(Shame on you, sis.)

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My favorite word today is pumpkin. N., a friend of Peter Eater. Def.: The cousin who works at the gas station.

Whut Do You Know About Dat?

More sick-nik news: I am able to visit your b**g, but commenting wears me out. I visited everybody on my b**groll Saturday. I can write a post, although it takes a long time. Very long....

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If you are the sort of person who uses "words" like whut and dat, you need some finishing school. Ol' Hoss comes to the rescue.

1. Write a short sentence, such as "Whut makes dat go round basswards, Me Poppa?"
2. Send this, along with your credit card number, bank account number and current paycheck (if any) to Hoss at OldScrewU.com.
3. Receive in return an edited version of your sentence. In this case, an amended version would read: "HOW COME makes THAT go round basswards, Me Poppa?"

Repeat as necessary.

Satisfaction guaranteed, as always.

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Do you suppose this guy gives out Red Letter New Testaments with a set of 4?

And maybe preaches on the side?

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Have I ever shown you this clip about how to ease the boredom? Pretty funny second time around, too.

If you've already seen that, how about this clever guy? (Not for children.)

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The architect for the Dubya Bush library has said the building must incorporate "the spirit" of the Bush presidency. Some readers took note and offered these suggestions:

"It will need a huge facade."

"The building would have no public entrance. The private entrance might offer a copy of the Constitution as its doormat."

"A grand fireplace filled with burning memos."

"Instead of building a library, why don't they just steal Al Gore's house and use that?"

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My favorite word today is Riskies. N., can you see this coming? Def.: Cat food made in China.