Doing Good, and Building a Garden

Please help.

I don't often do this, so when I do you will please listen up. Today (1/31) my buddy, Vicki, is giving a shout-out to her brother-in-law, Bill, and his Civil Affairs Brigade over in Iraq. This outfit rebuilds hospitals and schools.

No matter what you think of the "war," please click on Vicki's name above, and go over to her comments section and wish Bill and his buddies good luck.

(Lurkers: I never asked before, but I am now. Okay?)

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Now, back to your regularly scheduled plan for reconstruction:

According to philatelists, numismatists, anthropologists, sociologists, dream weavers and biblioteques, stamps and coins were not in play by the time the Garden of Eden was invented. Also, Bibles were invented later.

The important thing is that the Garden of Eden was located in Iraq, somewhere around the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. And there you have the reason that we have the Detroit Tigrises in baseball. No team was ever named the Detroit Euphrates.

So, okay, the Garden of Eden was invented so we could have snakes in all parts of the world except Ireland, New Zealand and the Antarctic. And so that we could have a guy named Johnny Appleseed going around promoting crab apples. ("Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.") And a fish named "Wanda."

Now, then, think about this as an end to the WAR: Whomever is elected as the big-wig in the Iraqi Parliament says: "Whoa back. The big money is not in oil. It's in TOURISM!! All we gotta do is reinvent the Garden of Eden. It's a piece of cake; an apple tree, some figs, bare boobies (Wanda?) and a boa contrictor or two, and we're in business. Oh, we might need an Adam's Ribs restaurant, but, we'll see."

The guys (and molls) in Dubya's camp will be over there like ants on jam to experience this experience. AND THEN WE WILL BE RID OF THE BOZOS.

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My favorite word today is oaf. N., with half a loaf? Def.: One who thinks he can override a computer command by saying "Oh, no!"

I Am Out to Lunch in Connecticut

A b**gging friend of mine is writing a book. I offered to help out, since I am that kind of Hoss. I asked if she could use some "filler" or "bridge the gap" stuff, like this:

"He stood there riveted, like a pair of 501 Levis. He could see that it wasn't going to work out between him and the school marm, for she had way too much furniture for one pack horse. The camera zoomed in tight as he let go of a tear -- but only from one eye! 'Hmmm,' opined the school marm, 'he only cares half as much for me as I thought.' She curtsied in her corset and made plans to tear out his tear ducts. The cowboy said 'Get along, Paint,' and he rode into the sunspot."

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I am not here today. I am subbing for my buddy Whizzer, who lives in snowbound Connecticut but is on a cruise to Cozumel or some place like that. I think she plans to go to the Mayan city that was named backward, Chichen Itza. Obviously they meant: Itza Chicken, because odds are they were Italians. Itza squash; Itza maize; Itza pizza, like a big piece of pie Itz amore'.

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My favorite word today is later. Adj., can it wait? Def.: Descriptive of a person who always has a "Things To Do" list but never does any of them.

Short Shrift Sunday #12

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over to the wife: "Do you remember the first time we made love together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very restaurant where you leaned against the back fence. I think we should do it again, for old time's sake."

"Oh, Charlie, you devil," she says. "Let's do it."

A police officer is sitting in the next booth and overhears this plan. He decides he better go out and keep an eye on them for their safety.

Outside, the old lady leans against the fence, and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious action the cop has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes before they collapse to the ground.

Finally they struggle to their feet, and meet the cop on their way back to the restaurant. The cop says, "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some secret to all this activity?"

Charlie says, "Yes. Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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My favorite word today is backtrack. Adj., seek and ye shall find. Def.: An inspection tag in a new article of clothing is traced to a 12-year-old in Malaysia.

Short Shrift Saturday #12

Sometimes I feel like I am fighting the battle against buttcrack all by myself.

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An old guy had an appointment to see the urologist. As he approached the reception desk he saw that the woman there was large, unfriendly, and resembled a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

"YES," in a very loud voice, "YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, though, and in an equally loud voice, said:

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

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"Our parents were very strict. They didn't want us to grow up spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis rackets out in the rain, we were punished." -- Nancy Ellis, George H.W. Bush's sister.

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My favorite word today is consciousness. Adj., I think, therefore I am. Def.: Wasting time between naps.

Just a Giggle and a Chuckle Will Be Fine

Cleaning up the inbox:

A police recruit is asked during his examination:

"What would you do if you had to arrest your mother-in-law?"

"Call for backup."

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Why are lawyers prohibited from having sex with their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

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What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

(These missives are from my buddy Oz).

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The new guy in the cellblock is feeling pretty lousy. Then he hears somebody yell out, "41!" And everybody else in the block laughs uproariously. Somebody else says "28!" More laughs.

New guys asks his cellmate, "What's going on?" Cellmate says, "We don't hear any new jokes in here, so we just tell the same ones over and over. Every joke has a number, so we don't have to listen to the same tired old words."

So new guy thinks this is pretty neat. He calls out a number at random: "14!" Nobody laughs. He says, "39!" Not a peep.

The cellmate takes him aside and says, "Look, kid. It's not so much the joke. It's the way you tell it that makes it funny."

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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran wrap for shorts. The doc says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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My favorite word today is teenager. N., zits and all. Def.: A person who knows more than you do.

Making Money the 'Easy' Way

I haven't had a good Pile Making idea for quite awhile. Until now. (For those of you unaccustomed to the ways and wiles of Ol' Horsetail Snake, I need to Make My Pile of big bucks so I afford to have my ashes sent to Mars or Pluto, where they will be properly venerated.)

So, Google tells me there is Big Bucks in the insurance racket. And Ol' Hoss knows what's what about insurance, having watched a lot of crime movies. So I go down to the hardware store with my Louisville Slugger and take it in the backroom where the king is in his counting house, counting out his money.

I say, "You need some insurance against getting kneecapped."

He says, "No I don't."

So I let him have it right across the left knee. My bat shatters as it hits his prosthetic kneecap. "Let that be a lesson to you," I said, without conviction.

He says, "Yes. Now, excuse me." He picks up the phone, dials, and says, "Mr. Soprano, there is a gentleman here trying to sell me some insurance." To me: "Mr. Soprano wants to know your name."

"George W. Bush!" I say. I'm not sure he caught all that, as I was moving pretty fast by the time I got to the front door.

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So I amble down to the laundry, pull out my pistol and say: "Buy my insurance, and be quick about it."

The first laundress says, "Que?" (Damn, a Mexican.)
The second says, "Vilken?" (Crap, a Swede.)
The third says, "Eh?" (Phooey, a Canadian.)

"Doesn't anybody here speak American?" I shove my pistola in my pocket and go home. Maybe I'll ask Yahoo next time.

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My favorite phrase today is deep space. N., my arm is not long enough. Def.: The area between the front seat and the back seat that is too wide to enable you to slap the children without stopping the car.

Stream of Unconsciousness

Have you ever just sat down at your computer and said to yourself: "I will just start typing, and see if something good happens"? Of course you have, because in an emergency you have this thing on your keyboard that says "Delete". Let's see:

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"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen." --John Steinbeck. (Cartoon stolen from Jude.)

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"Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?" Lucy provided this one.

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In Salem, Oregon, the coach of the West Salem girls' basketball team said, "We knocked down a good percentage of our shots, especially in the first half. We found the open man."

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A baseball player says to his coach as the National Anthem is playing: "Ah, hell, every time I hear that song I have a bad game."

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"Why should we take sex advice from the Pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't." --George Bernard Shaw

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My favorite word today is unsaleable. Adj., a waste of time. Def.: A group photograph in which the class clown slyly gives the photographer the finger.

The Easy Way Out: Do a Meme

When the brain goes dead, you can always steal somebody's idea for a meme. So it goes: I guess this one is titled "Four Things".

Four jobs I have had:
1. Trainer, Dung Beetle Racing Team
2. Adviser to my buddy Bill Gates
3. Terrorist, Fourth Grade, Reid School
4. Reporter, Feelgood Haines History Project

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Long Gone With the Wind and the Rain
2. Pshaw Shanks Mare Redemption
3. Wily Coyote Meets the Road Runner
4. Snow White and...uh...you know...the one about the midgets

Four favorite foods:
1. Escargot
2. Rocky Mountain Oysters
3. Vienna sausage and Spam rollups
4. Hair of the dog

Four places I have lived:
1. Alamo, California
2. Alamo Rental Cars
3. Washington D & C
4. The Home on the Old Range

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. USA
2. Mexico
3. Canada
4. Mediterranean Avenue, Marvin Gardens, Water Works, Park Place, Broadway

Four web sites I visit daily:
1., 2., 3., 4. You see that b**groll over to the left? Yes, almost all of them, every day.

Four places I'd rather be:
1. With you
2. And you
3. And you
4. And you.

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My favorite word today is peeper. N., ready with the spyglass. Def.: A newborn chicken looking through your bedroom window.

Spreading Some Cheer

Susie, one of my b**gging pals, is the gifter of this badge of honor. Recently she asked her readers to go visit a couple of her buddies who are in trouble, medically. One is facing a bilateral masectomy today; the other is entering round five of chemotherapy in hope of someday getting a bone marrow transplant that will overcome leukemia.

Susie said, "People who have had serious surgeries....tell me it helps to have weird b**g people come and comment. Much love to you strange, lovely people who stop in here." And to all of us weird strangers who did her bidding, visiting her friends, she supplied this, which she appropriately calls "a Major Award."

(But I do need to tell Susie how to spell "b**gging.")

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"I dreamt death came the other night and Heaven's gate opened wide;

"With kindly grace an angel came and ushered me inside.

"And there to my astonishment stood folks I'd known on earth;

"Some I'd judged unfit; of little worth.

"Indignant words rose to my lips, but never were set free;

"For every face showed stunned surprise. Not one expected me!" - Anon.

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A lady is picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but can't find one large enough for her family. So she asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No ma'am," he says. "They're dead."

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My favorite word today is honor. Adj., on my word of. Def.: Where the lovestruck swain hoped to get with the belle of the ball.

Short Shrift Sunday #11

The title of this is 'Job Hell'. Now then, which one of these people has had you on hold the longest?

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Where does this stuff come from?

"It's not hard to meet expenses -- they're everywhere."

"My computer has the Oedipus Rex virus. It wants to marry the motherboard."

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A flight attendant was at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for his ticket. He opened his raincoat and flashed her.

She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

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My favorite phrase today is a prayer. N., he'p me, Ernie. Def.: In an athletic contest, what the huge underdog doesn't have.

Short Shrift Saturday #11

Let's see: We haven't discussed war and religion lately. How about this?

"There are no Bushes in foxholes."

Wait a minute. Dubya has two daughters of military age. I betcha anything he will be enlisting them in the U.S. Marines, anytime now. "WeYou all have to do our part," says George.

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It was the end of the school year, and the kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a long box, and she said "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers?" "Right," said the boy. "How did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said.

The daughter of the owner of a candy store produced a gift. The teacher shook it, and said, "I bet I know what this is. A box of sweets?" "That's right," said the girl, "but how did you know?" "It was a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift came from a boy whose father owned the liquor store. The teacher held the package overhead -- and noticed it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger, put it on her tongue, and asked the boy: "Is it wine?" "No," the boy replied. The teacher took up a larger drop and said, "Is it champagne?" "No," said the boy, with great excitement. The teacher sipped one more drop, and declared, "I give up. What is it?" "It's a puppy!!!"

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My favorite word today is Birkenstocks. N., say what? Def.: The only shoes never to become unfashionable because they were never fashionable.

A Story to Tell the Grandkids

"Hoss, have you heard about the new movie about the Alamo and Dan'l Boone?"

This is from my buddy, Feelgood Haines, the revisionist historian in our Old and Older Folks' Home. This morning, he jumped me even before I had my first cup of coffee, and I am a little testy.


Hoss: "Daniel Boone was not at the Alamo."

Feelgood: "That's why this movie is so good. It's mostly how he escaped being gunned down by old Santa Anna."

Hoss: "DANIEL BOONE WAS NOT AT THE ALAMO!"

Feelgood: "What ol' Dan'l did was grab up Jim Bowie's bowie knife and built hisself an escape tunnel beyond Santa Anna's lines. Jim hisself says, 'How you gonna get away without no horse?' And Dan'l says, 'Aw, pshaw, I'll go by shanks' mare. Big Ernie will provide.'"

Hoss: "What's the name of this so-called movie?"

Feelgood: "Why, I thought I told you. It's the Pshaw Shanks' Mare Redemption."

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Some of the top country-western songs of 2005:

"If I Can't Be Number 1 in Your Life, Then Number 2 on You"
"If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me"
"She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger"
"Her Teeth Were Stained But Her Heart Was Pure"
"If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out of Prison By Now"

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My favorite word today is hot. Adj., Miss Playmate. Def.: What the coffee in a restaurant is when it's dumped in your lap; what the coffee is not when it's first served.

I Will Always Love Me

Remember way back when I told you Ol' Hoss was pretty? And then I posted my picture and you found out I lied?

Well, now I can say I'm "precious," and it's no damn lie. I got it in writing.

My pal Ronni Bennett, a champion of us old people, did a thingie on her site where she asked her readers to choose b**ggers from her b**groll and say something nice about them -- "a warm bear hug to others." Well, this was just an open invitation to my buddies to show you how precious I am (look here at my childhood ceramic look-a-like):

Complimenter No. 1: "Who can possibly keep up with your energy and sharpness of mind?"

Hoss: "Does this require an answer?"

Complimenter No. 2: "Great wit, humor, and snark, which I love."

Hoss: "Yadda ta yadda ta yadda ta. What the hell is 'snark'? 'Precious' is where I'm at."

Complimenter No. 3: "Gene [Ol' Hoss] is the funniest, most creative writer in the blogosphere today..."

Hoss: [Insert Precious Moments picture here. ("Precious Moments" picture, right, showing Hoss With B**g)]

Complimenter No. 4: "What a wit! He is like a medicine to others, bringing laughter and joy with him always."

Hoss: "You know what's really funny? When your computer goes down on you." (Ho ho har de har har. I should have been nominated for "Best Sex B**g.")

Complimenter No. 5: "Beyond precious and totally unique, this is a must-see site."

Hoss: "Precious?" Don't ask for a cuddle. I don't want any of this to rub off.

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My favorite phrase today is Back in the saddle again. Adj., you're thinking Gene Autry, right? Def.: Director's order to the leading man for the fourth take of a scene in a porno film.

Small Talk Saves the Day

What's "small talk"? It seems to be the ability to chit-chat with just about anyone, anytime, anyplace, about anything. "Small talkers" can mention the weather and almost at once morph the conversation into children, traffic jams, and sales on shoes. Some of you may think "small talkers" are just blathering. Not so.

The other day I am reading one of my regular b**ggers and ran across a long comment about "small talking" that is so good I want you to read it here. Ol' Hoss normally is not serious (abnormal would be a nice description), but just this once. This is from a woman I know only as Dalene.

"On behalf of all the small talkers of the world, myself included, it's like a smile, small talk. It is a means of connecting to those around you, a gentle means of putting people at ease. Plus, it gives the small talker a compass as to what is going on; we DO know a lot about what is going on. Also, you never know who you are standing next to, unless you engage in some sort of conversation, and sometimes it is a fascinating discovery.

"As a former journalist, it was an essential tool of the trade. In addition, it can provide the small talker with an effective means of changing a situation that everyone else knows needs to be changed but is not sure how to proceed.

"Example: I am standing in line at a mall clothing store for women, and a woman in front of me has with her a child who is obviously bored and cranky. All of us standing in line, and the clerk, can see the mother is growing ever angry with her child. I am watching the mother's jaws, which are clenched, and her hands, which are wrapped around the child's wrists way too tight.

"I am concerned what type of punishment this child might be in for once the mother and child get to the parking lot. So I engage her in small talk. I get her to laugh, I get her to relax. I have a child with me and in all that small talk I work in how it must be torture for a child to be dragged through an adult world; there is nothing fun for them.

"Why? Because I want her to find the empathy that may soften her anger towards her child. And I believe if I had confronted her directly, said the obvious, it would have simply made her more angry.

"I see small talk as an art, the ability to talk to anyone about anything, and it often leads to more meaningful conversations. (I just looked at the length of my comment, so I probably did not need to tell you which side of the fence I was on in regard to small talk. *Grin*. Okay, I am done.)"

Hoss says: And nicely done.

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My favorite word of the day is child. N., no, not Julia. Def.: Something that is nice to have hanging onto your neck.

Money-Making Scheme No. 302

My guess is that there's money to be made in the songwriting business. Well, you don't make any money writing songs, because anybody can do that: Rhyme June with moon and spoon 'n shit and you got a best seller. No, what I was thinkin' was the lawsuits you can get goin' when somebody rips your tune off the Internet.

Lots of people steal tunes they don't even like, just to be stealin'. What they're really after is those one-of-a-kind tunes that nobody else has got, so they can brag up the neighborhood. Well, let me tell you, I have wrote a lot of those one of a kind musicales. For instance, have you ever heard this one?:

"I Got Ahead of You on the Way to the Head, You Pinhead"

The thing to do is think of songs about subjects nobody else has thought of. I'm sure I have in me a nice song about honing knives:

"With my carborundum in me hand,
"I hone to beat the band.
"And when you see me on the phone,
"I'm called away from my old hone.
"It's a call from a bill collector named Bill,
"I told him come on over and watch me use my sharp knives to cut your arms off, Bill."

"Tra la la boomp-de-a
"Tra la la boomp-de-a, etc."

I got more good ones like that, but the way people steal off the Internet scares me. One of these days I'll see some bozo on the street with his boom box, playing a song that's still in my head.

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The pessimist: "The glass is half-empty."
The optimist: "The glass is half-full."
The engineer: "You got more glass than you need for the job."

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My favorite word today is finis. N., an incomplete word meaning "finish". Def.: When you see the cymbal player coming back from a smoke break, you know the tune the orchestra is playing is about to come to an end.

Showing My Colors

I have this buddy, Tom, who has written a piece about political issues. You can tap into it at his site, Born Fool. It was inspirational. That is, it has inspired me to do what he has done, which is tell you my take on political issues of importance.

I'm like that; I got opinions. I told Tom one of mine by writing in his comments section:

"Should our Congresspeople get involved in foreign relations, or should they be limited to screwing Americans?"

Of course Tom was being serious in his post. I don't have time for that. Here's my platform (which, of course, is biodegradable):

1. When lobbyists throw a party for politicians, require that the politicians be limited to one money bag per person or one 18-hole round at The Old Course, but not both.

2. Capital punishment should become more fun. To many people, this is no laughing matter, but I think they are just spoilsports.

3. Congress should pay attention to the environment. The problem is that environmentalists think this "paying attention" should be for free. Environmentalists have totally misunderstood The American Way: "Grease my palm or your palms will be wood chips tomorrow."

4. Congress should spend more time passing laws to prohibit people from becoming comatose. Then the congresswits won't have to call special sessions to save dead people.

5. Congress should pass a law saying that congresspeople will be in the first wave of soldiers called upon to fight a war. Any of them who flee to Canada will be replaced by their wives, wearing designer shoulder holsters.

6. The rule of "The Perfect Tax" will be adopted. This is the one that taxes everybody except me.

7. Potholes will be declared illegal. Traffic tickets will be declared unconstitutional. PMS will be outlawed. (And, for my special friend up in Washington State, dreadlocks will be declared a national disgrace.)

8. The National Motto will become "In Hoss We Trust."

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My favorite word today is puzzling. Adj., worse than a crossword. Def.: The instructions on how to play Keno from your room in a Las Vegas hotel.

Short Shrift Sunday No. 10

Ol' Hoss seldom asks you for anything. Oh, I've asked my buddy Bill Gates to put me in his will, but I've never asked for much from YOU. Until today.

There are these things called BoB (Best of B**g) awards. And two of my buddies are in the running. So here's what you do (and this includes you lurker bozos, too):

Go to Bob Awards and cast a ballot in the section for Best Overall B**g for my pal, John, The Sound of Muzik, and in the section for Most Inspirational Blog for my princess, Raehan, Agog and Aghast. Thankew.

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I spend about half 10 percent of my time campaigning against buttcrack, and it's like wading against the tide. You stomp out the custom in, say, Chicago, and it erupts in Nashville. I have written to Levi Strauss and Dickey and Lee, saying the term "lo-rider" was only meant for cars, not for trousers. My new motto: "Only asscracks show buttcrack."

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Listen: Don't say I was never good to you. I got this photo of Paris Hilton screwing by the pool. You click here to see this treasure. (You shouldn't be working today, but if you are, this is safe. Trust me. Hee hee.)

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My favorite phrase today is pig out. Vb., the bad cop is on lunch break. Def.: Going to the all-you-can-eat ribs restaurant only to be told they are out of ribs.

Short Shrift Saturday #10

"I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret, something." -- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan 10, 2005.

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -- Same guy.

But, hey, that's a lot clearer than what former Arizona Gov. Evan Mecham once had to say:

"I think today that a few remarks that I might make, we go back to the relationship in this great nation with the people who was the foundation of America, the people they've paid such a price that we may enjoy the blessings of enjoyment that we have, has been spoken this morning."

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As Billy Wilder may have said to the rapper: "You have Van Gogh's ear for music."

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"A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks up the dog and starts swinging it around his head. A clerk calls out: "May I help you, sir?" The blind guy says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around." (--English magician Tommy Cooper.)

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My favorite word today is wretched. Adj., try, try again. Def.: Descriptive of your passport photo, regardless of the number of sittings you have.

Should I Sell My Dung Beetle Farm?

Some scientists back East are getting into dangerous territory. They are trying to make shit smell good, which would be a disaster for those of us who have dung beetle franchises.

To back up a little: It seems suburbia is overtaking the farms where all the dairies and hog farms and feedlots are located, and Joe Doe is peein' and moanin' about the smell of manure from the neighbors. So this outfit in Philadelphia named Monell Chemical Senses Center has developed a process that neutralizes the smell of cow and steer and pig shit.

Well, as you can imagine, this does not auger well for the dung beetles. They rely on their sense of smell to get where they're goin' so they can roll up the manure in little balls and take it home to Junior. This has long been the preferred method of ridding the African savannas of elephant doo-doo, and it works pretty good out here at Johanson's Dairy Farm and Manure Source. But if they quit making smelly manure, nobody will need no dung beetles to cart off their dung. And that would screw Ol' Hoss out of a tidy source of income, inasmuch as I am the sole proprietor of Dung Beetles 'R Us.

And this ain't the worst of it. What's going to become of one of our favorite phrases? You know, the one where we see a couple of lovers billin' and cooin' in the park, and somebody says, "They're holdin' onto each other tighter than stink on shit."

Damnation. A great ol' homily bites the dust.

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My favorite word today is advertisement. N., like the apple tempted Adam, and sorghum tempts the bees. Def.: A word coined to extol the virtues of things you don't need.

Do You Remember When I Was Funny?

Well, it's all over but the pouting. I did not become one of the 10 finalists for "Most Humorous B**g" in the BoB Awards program. Like many of you, I figured I was a shoo-in. I have written 341 posts, all of them funny. But, apparently, none of them was humorous.

The last time I was a contestant for anything, it was for the title of "Most Well-Adjusted Baby." Here is the picture that got me into the finals. BUT FOR SOME DAMN REASON I DID NOT WIN!!!

So I am used to being disappointed. I checked out the 10 finalists for Most Humorous B**g, and discovered the real reason I did not make the finals: 8 out of 10 of them used the "F" bomb in their writing. One writer uses it in every headline he writes. You might have noticed that I have given up on the Bomb because it has lost its shock value and it isn't really a very nice word. "Poo" is a nice word. So is "ka-ka". And when kids start flinging this stuff around it is pretty funny (but apparently not humorous). You see a lot of this on the Internet, if you read Mommy and Daddy B**gs. Some of which are instructive, and often funny, but obviously not humorous.

Even my damn cat is peeved that I didn't make the finals! Well, another reason I didn't make it is because I might have been perceived as a "professional b**gger." See, I get more than 30 comments and almost 200 visits EVERY DAY (vox populi). Of the 10 BoB finalists, only one topped that. So, the reason I didn't make the finals is BECAUSE I AM TOO DAMN POPULAR!!

I have been shunned. (This is something Jehovah's Witnesses do to each other to express their displeasure with one of their number. I sure wish I had known before now that I was a Witness.) But at least I didn't get the Hester Prynne award. I'm saving my chest space to sell it on eBay.

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My favorite word today is wife. N., also known as SAHM, and/or breadwinner, laundress, cook, etc., while her husband sits on his fat ass. Def.: A thing that is not averse to asking for directions.