A Story to Tell the Grandkids

"Hoss, have you heard about the new movie about the Alamo and Dan'l Boone?"

This is from my buddy, Feelgood Haines, the revisionist historian in our Old and Older Folks' Home. This morning, he jumped me even before I had my first cup of coffee, and I am a little testy.


Hoss: "Daniel Boone was not at the Alamo."

Feelgood: "That's why this movie is so good. It's mostly how he escaped being gunned down by old Santa Anna."

Hoss: "DANIEL BOONE WAS NOT AT THE ALAMO!"

Feelgood: "What ol' Dan'l did was grab up Jim Bowie's bowie knife and built hisself an escape tunnel beyond Santa Anna's lines. Jim hisself says, 'How you gonna get away without no horse?' And Dan'l says, 'Aw, pshaw, I'll go by shanks' mare. Big Ernie will provide.'"

Hoss: "What's the name of this so-called movie?"

Feelgood: "Why, I thought I told you. It's the Pshaw Shanks' Mare Redemption."

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Some of the top country-western songs of 2005:

"If I Can't Be Number 1 in Your Life, Then Number 2 on You"
"If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me"
"She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger"
"Her Teeth Were Stained But Her Heart Was Pure"
"If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out of Prison By Now"

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My favorite word today is hot. Adj., Miss Playmate. Def.: What the coffee in a restaurant is when it's dumped in your lap; what the coffee is not when it's first served.