Birds Who Live in Glass Bushes Should Gather No Moss

Two birds in the camera are worth four in the bush. Slow but sure I am getting nice pix of the birdies flying to and eating from Sylvia's feeders. First up, a Red-Shafted Flicker:


And then here comes another American Goldfinch, which is slowly turning into its springtime color (bright yellow). It is, so far, the only one to show the change, and it is plenty early about it, since spring is way way off. But he's a cute little bugger.

+ + + + + + + +

Two nerds were playing golf at a foggy par three. They could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit his ball anyway. When they walked to the green they could see one ball about three feet from the cup -- while the other had gone directly in! Hole-in-one!

However, they couldn't figure out whose ball was who's, since they both were using Titleist No. 3's. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse to try to get some help from the pro.

After hearing their story and congratulating them on such excellent playing in adverse conditions, his first question was:

"Now then, which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

+ + + + + + + +

How come when you mix flour and water together you get glue? But then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake?

Where did the glue go? You know darned well where it went? That's what makes cake stick to your butt. Ho ho har de har har.*

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is synonymn. N., what's the other word for it? Def.: Synonymn.

+ + + + + + + +

(* Buttcrack 1, Hoss 0.)

Ain't They Sweet?

A fine artist has an eye for "beauty," as in "Mrs." Dubya Bush and others. Please bear with Ol' Hoss as we run the table with George, "Prissie" Carter and "Black Book" Clinton:








+ + + + + + + +

When was the last time you knew an anchor who did not quite grow up on the farm? Check out this city boy, who doesn't know his beef from his brisket.

+ + + + + + + +

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But he followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in the corner.



An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, so I let him in, again. He went down the hall, resumed his position, and slept for an hour. This went on for several weeks.

Finally, my curiousity got the better of me. So I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day, he was back, as usual, but the note was different. This time it said: "He lives in a house with 10 children. I think he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is walk. N., do this five times a week or die young. Def.: A fly without wings.

Hoo Boy! We Rate the Oscar Flicks

The nominees have been nominated for nominations for Academy Awards. I am so thrilled. I haven't seen four of these films, but it's pretty obvious what they're about. So I thought I should slip you a thumbnail so you don't need to waste your time figuring it all out. Here's what to know:

"Atonement" -- This is a weeper about Helen Keller and the invention of the tuning fork (a tone, see). There is the typical wounded soldier that Helen re-spiritualizes by singing love and Jesus songs to him. He is enthralled because she is always on key, thanks to the new tuning fork, duplicates of which are now on sale at Wal-Mart for under $10. Rated N.F., for "No Fun".

"Juno" -- This here is about a Roman goddess by name of Juno. Jennifer Garner is in this one, but she isn't the one who gets knocked up. This film isn't real clear about who got whom pregnant, maybe because of all the pregnant pauses, and maybe because Juno is so much to everybody (Goddess of marriage, home and childbirth). Anyway, we know it wasn't Zeus, because he belongs to a different set of God things (Greek). Rated P.G. for obvious reasons.

"No Country for Old Men" -- This came about through an Act of Congress that was aimed at getting those aging illegal immigrants out of the US and A. Unfortunately, the bill covered all of us old dudes, basically saying we have to clear out of the country. The first to go, it seems, were all the old people in cemeteries, since they don't have much legal rights anymore. They were shipped to Guantanamo, headstones to follow. Rated O, for showing in the Oval Office.

"There Will Be Blood" -- This is a scandal about a hospital phlebotomist who couldn't shoot straight. It seems that every time he set out to draw blood he would miss the vein, and the blood would fly all over the place. It got so bad that the star, Daniel Day-Lewis, had to wear a space suit to protect himself from AIDS-blood people. Rated R, for the Color of Money and Blood.

"Michael Clayton" -- Here we got George Clooney (rhymes with Swooney) in another classic sting caper. What happens in this movie, that takes a long time to get through so you might want to carry a pastrami on rye with you in there...what happens in this movie is that George (Michael) gets even with some really bad people without having to Rambo everybody. Rated F, on account of the F word plays such a late, but predominate, role in this flick.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is jog your memory. N., strolling down memory's lane. Def.: What happens when you take your laptop for a run through the park.

What's in My Neighborhood

In our backyard, Sylvia has erected three feeders and a hummingbird feeder, all of which are getting good action. What you see here is an American Goldfinch in its winter plumage. I also have a poor picture of a couple of hummingbirds. I shall try again.

We also have scrub jays, red-winged blackbirds, Oregon juncos, house finches and some kind of sparrow (so far unidentifiable).

In case you didn't know I am a bird watcher, I am what I am.

+ + + + + + + +

Cats have more fun than anybody -- sometimes. Check this.

+ + + + + + + +

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000, but feels pretty good about the result.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to bjuy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I am exactly 50!"

A little while later she goes into a McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50 -- but thank you."

While waiting for a bus to go home, she asks an old man this burning question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 77 (merely a coincidence, fans) and my eyesight is going (another coincidence). Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence onthe empty street until her curiousity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both hands under blouse and bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and mentally weigh each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. After a couple of minutes of this, he rests. "Okay, okay," she says, "how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible. How could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" She says, "I promise." And he says, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is atheism. N., I don't believe that. A non-prophet organization.

Sing a Scion of Six Pants

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronounciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very...slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr,gerrrrrrr,Kiiiiing."

+ + + + + + + +

This is kind of cute, sort of.



+ + + + + + + +

Here are some ways to be a GOOD Democrat:

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being a homosexual is natural.

You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of Federal funding.

You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected but manger scenes at Chrismas should be illegal.

You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers the day off on Christmas Day, but it's not okay to say Merry Christmas in a Federal building.

+ + + + + + + +

Ho ho har de har har: Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is UCLA. N., one of them southern places. Def.: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles.

Dung Beetles for Sale or Rent

Dung Beetles (Dried and Bagged) $5.90

Bag of roasted Buffalo Dung Beetles (Onitis sp), from Thailand.
(Large & Small, crunchy and full of protein)

This bag contains approximately 20-30 Buffalo Dung Beetles. They are probably the best tasting of all edible insects. They are found in nests under Buffalo Dung. The older dung that has been baking in the sun for days forms a crust and goes hard, the dung is lifted revealing a large nest of Dung Beetles. When the beetles have finished devouring their tasty Dung home, they will seek out the next freshly laid pat. Buffalo in Thailand feed on organic grass, shrubs and rice plants, the nutrients are passed on to the Dung Beetle. These tasty dung beetle are collected fresh, quick frozen, cleaned, dehydrated, seasoned and then packed in special foil pouches with oxygen absorbers. They are crunchy, have a great taste and are packed full of protein. Each Bug is approximately 10-20mm in length.

(This juicy little advertisement is courtesy of our friend, Miss Cellania, who knows how much Ol' Hoss dotes on Dung.)

+ + + + + + + +

Bubba was bragging to his boss that he thinks he knows everybody there is any need to know. "Just name sombody," he says.

So the boss, tired of his boasting, says, "Tom Cruise."

Bubba says, "Tell you what, let's fly out to his place and I'll show you what's what." They get there, and Cruise pops out of his swimming pool and says, "Howdy, Bubba, long time no see. You and your friend are welcome to join us for drinks and a little repast."

Later, although impressed, the boss says, "You were just lucky." So Bubba says, "Name somebody. Name anybody."

So the boss says, "President Clinton."

"Yes," Bubba says. "I know him." At the White House, Clinton sees Bubba and motions him to join him. "I'm just on my way to a meeting but let's us three just have a cup of coffee first."

Shaken by now, the boss hasn't given up. "How about the Pope?", the boss asks.

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba sees the masses in Vatican Square, and knows the Pope wouldn't be able to pick up out in the crowd. So Bubba says, "All the guards know me, so they'll let me go with the Pope on the balcony." And sure enough, this transpires.

Later, Bubba is told his boss has had a heart attack. Bubba rushes to his side and asks, "What can I do, boss? Anything?"

The boss, barely alive, says, "I can't believe it. As I was coming out, one of the people in the crowd said, 'Who's that guy with Bubba?'"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is disoriented. Adj., how to dis the orient. What happens when you spin an Oriental gentleman three times.

'Twas Just Three Years and a Day or Two Ago

Amazing! I was reading another b**g today and she said that as of Jan. 31 she will have been b**gging for three years. Blink! I checked out when I started, and it was on Jan. 12, 2005. I believe this makes me a hero. Like a Hero of the Soviet Union....you remember those? Me neither.

But, since I am now old and in the way, I am going to repeat a b**g I wrote before, and re-show a cartoon that is me forever: dung beetles at work. Herewith, from Jan. 23. 2005:

All Booked Up

Reading material. Don't get me started about reading material. Okay, you got me started, and it's your fault.

Recently, this area's doctors' offices unloaded all their ancient magazines on my Home for the Halt and the Lame. It seems as if the doctors are upgrading to magazines published in the 1990's. Here are some of the treasures:

All Booked Up

February, 1958, Good Housekeeping: "Lose weight by increasing your carb intake."
August, 1967, "Rotten Photos Mag": Only magazine known to have published Associated Press picture of decapitated head of Jayne Mansfield sitting on hood of car. (Not much call in the Home for this one.)
September, 1951, National Geographic: Mary Leakey boob photos.
December, 1947, Esquire: Vargas Girl drawing. Hoo boy!

The Administrators of the Home are not to be outdone by a bunch of outdated doctors. They have unloaded on us a whole raft of old books. To wit:

"The Da Vinci Load"--Story of Leonardo's first ejaculation and how it led to development of the Swimsuit Issue.
"The Gideon Bible"--Directory of hotels and motels.
"McGuffey's Reader"--See Spot run and hump your leg.
"McGuffey's Adobe Reader"--Deciphering the Morse Code.
"McGuffey's Spell-Check"--First known correct spelling of "onamatopoeia."
"Lady Chatterly's Cover"--An old world spy is outed by the New York Times.
"The Prince and the Pooper"--Standard tale of a boy and his dog.

+ + + + + + + +

How about the warblings of a 4-year-old with accordion?

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is inverse. Adj., upside downside. Def.: The writings of the backward poet.

Picky, Picky, Picky

A drummer in the school band, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He walks into a music store, approaches the store clerk, and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator's got to stay."

+ + + + + + + +

Have you ever thought of getting some New Shoes?

+ + + + + + + +

I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

+ + + + + + + +

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon. So they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She says, "No." And Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think. Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She says, "No, they're not." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "I don't care what you think. Eat your lunch and go to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mom says, "No, they are not up." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom, finally exasperated, says, "Okay, tell me what you think."

He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is all right. N., when Spring comes. Def.: A story about the guy whose whole left side was cut off.

Holy Crapolie

Three reasons to say "Holy Shit!!"






+ + + + + + + +

Lame joke of the day:

Q.: Who was England's first podiatrist?

A.: William the Corncurer.

+ + + + + + + +

These Cops Understand:

In Wellington, Fla., six members of a family were arrested at a mall on Dec. 20 in an incident that began over a pair of droopy jeans.

An estimated 20 deputies, two canine units and a police helicopter swarmed the area surrounding the mall's food court, shutting down two roads, after the Leger family attempted to stop deputies from arresting 20-year-old Frantz Leger, who had returned to the mall after being banned for wearing baggy jeans.

Said Palm Beach County Sheriff's Lt. Jay Hart: "It's a family affair. They get to spend the holiday in jail together. The mall doesn't put up with that tomfoolery bullcrap. His pants were down below his butt. No one goes to the mall and wants to see the crack of someone's butt."

(Especially Old Hoss.)

+ + + + + + + +

A woman announces to her best friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful," the friend intones. "But I hope you don't mind my asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Well, what happened to your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible. I'm almost afraid to ask about the third husband."
"He died of a broken neck?"
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is ROM. N., surviving the drinkability test. Def.: Subject of an old song: "Drinking ROM and Coca Cola, go down Point...."

There's New, Then There Is Old and Used

An old lady was standing at the rail of a cruise ship holding her hat so the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached and said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing upward in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."

"But madam," he protested. "You must know that your derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat."

+ + + + + + + +

A small farmer in Missouri is talking to an agent from the Missouri State Wage and Hour Department. The agent demands to see a list of the farmer's employees and how much he pays each employee.
"Well," said the farmer, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 a month plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent says, "That's the guy I want talk to, the half-wit."

"That would be me," said the farmer.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is show me. Vb., I'm from Missouri. Def.: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a-flat miner.

George Will Catch Up Someday, Maybe

Laura Bush bought George W. a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart, George has already taught him to pronounced more than 200 words."

"Wow! That's impressive," Cheney replied. "But you do realize he just says the words; he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura says. "Neither does George."

+ + + + + + + +

There's an answer to everything. Check this one.

+ + + + + + + +



+ + + + + + + +

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. 12/17/2007.

Lawrence said he was getting horny on his way home, so he pulled over next to a pumpkin patch. He picked one out he thought suitable for his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." In the process, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car was swas unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

Officer Taylor said to him, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize you are having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze, and was clearly surprised that the officer was there. He looked her straight in the eye and said, "A pumpkin?!? Shit....is it midnight already?"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is acupuncture. N., how they knit in Chinatown. Def.: A jab well done.

Why Not?

Here's why Daddy should be able to buy all the clothes:








+ + + + + + + +

Here's a nomination for "Performance Artist of the Year":

In New York City, a man put on a business suit, kneepads and a rubber George W. Bush mask and crawled across Manhattan for 72 hours with a sign stuck to his posterior that read: "Kick My Ass."

Gets my vote.

+ + + + + + + +

According to this YouTube, the Pope is running short of priests so he's setting up automated booths, like this one.

+ + + + + + + +

A Cannibal was walking through the Amazon jungle when he comes upon a restaurant operated by a fellow Cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked at the menu....

++ Tourist......$5
++ Broiled Missionary.......$10
++ Fried Explorer.......$15
++ Baled Democrat or Grilled Republican.......$150

The Cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"

The cook said, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all day."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is tooth and nail. N., lift that bar, tote that bail, get a little drunk.... Def.: When dentists and manicurists fight.

Who Needs Spider Webs?

Boy howdy, I am no good. Here it is January three and I didn't put up a rabbit. Now about all I can do is save what's left of the good luck in this month and hope not too much damage has been done. Rabbit! Rabbit!

+ + + + + + + +
According to the Forest Service, these are actual comments left on registration sheets and comment cards by packers completing camping trips:

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
- I found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
- Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
- Instead of a permit system of regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
- Need more signs to keep area pristine.
- A McDonald's would be nice at trail's head.
- The places where trails do not exist are not well-marked.

+ + + + + + + +

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately:

- If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the knife.

- If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

- If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, the police blame the bartender.

- If your grandchildren are brats without manners, their parents blame television.

- If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, the press blames the gun manufacturers.

- If a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazy deceased man blames the airline.

Maybe I have lived too long to understand the world anymore. So if I died while my old wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you all to blame Bill Gates.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is pointless. Adj., I don't see no rime to it, Lester. Def.: Trying to write with a broken pencil.

Hilary Maketh Disappearance

Hilary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk to the children. After her talk, she offers a question-and-answer time.

One little boy raises his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"Actually, I have three questions:
"First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years as President?
"Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
"Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then, the bill rings for recess. Hilary informs the kids they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hilary says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hilary asks him what his name is. "My name is Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" she asks.

"Really, I have five questions:
"First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years as President?
"Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
"Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
"Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"Fifth, what happened to Kenneth?"

+ + + + + + + +

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard when he dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench, glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out proudly:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is fully recovered. Adv., good thing it wasn't botulism. Def.: What happens to the guy who falls into the upholstery machine.

The Lad Has All the Answers

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. So one day they decide they want to get married. Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this is just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without taking even a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny gets $5 a week and I make $10 a week. That's about $60 a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

+ + + + + + + +

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks, and says, "Well lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm."

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break its leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to that bird, I'm going to do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

"Well, mister, I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is LAN. N., where the next rover settles down. Def.: To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert! Can you LAN me your truck?"

It's So Nice to Be on High

It is the time for Christmas (or Hannakkuh or Kwanzza, whatever you're into) gifts. I am giving away dead batteries. They are free of charge.

+ + + + + + + +

I wonder if monkeys can tell jokes as well as we can? We'll see.....

+ + + + + + + +

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

+ + + + + + + +

When four of Santa's elves got sick (click on "Merry Xmas" to see why they were sick), the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and he had no idea where they were. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa, even more irritated, marched to the door, yanked it open -- and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

+ + + + + + + +

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. (That's a story that lens itself to laughter.)

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is reboot. Adj., I'm not quite ready. Def.: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Tie a Can to It

In the Pig Apple, architects and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most elaborate structure, using little more than cans of food at Canstruction, the 13th annual NYC Design and Build Competition. The best thing: When it's all over, all the cans go to the Food Bank.




+ + + + + + + +

An example of why we love children:

It was the end of the day when he parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and he saw a little boy staring at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure it," he replied." Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, "What'd he do?"

+ + + + + + + +

On a Translatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is often, and things go from bad to worse. Suddenly, one wing is struck by lightning.

One pretty woman loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane and yells, "Im too young to die." Then she says, "If I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Wyoming cowboy stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well-built, with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his short, slowly. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. He whispers, "Iron this. Then get me a beer."

+ + + + + + + +

Six truths of life:

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon email this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

+ + + + + + +

My favorite word today is keyboard. N., at least 88 keys. Def.: A place to hang your truck keys.

The Pickled Fickled Finger of Fate

Sometimes I start out writing a b**g and forget what it was supposed to be about. You've never done that. Me, I start out writing about winter squash and first thing you know I'm fishing in Mud Puppy Lake.

Here's a persample: I found this youtube thing the other day and captured it for my b**g. Put it where you see it now -- and promptly forgot what it was all about. It could have been about finding long-necky dinosaurs in Montana, but I'm pretty sure it's not. It, more likely, was about dung beetles in Tumbuktu, but I'm not sure.

And then suddenly it dawns upon me! It is about The Finger. And not just any Finger, but The Deadly Fickle Finger of Fate!

Let's look in and see. Maybe it's not so bad.......

+ + + + + + + +

In 1886, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University in Illinois. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with his right leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There, he found a large piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing other than being trampled.

Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty-one years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its right foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is cursor. N., it could be worser. Def.: What some guys do when they're mad at their wife.

The Punster Strikes Again

One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to the pull the wool over our ice."

+ + + + + + + +

This woman is wearing the best in Hanes.

+ + + + + + + +

Maybe the guy below didn't mean this kind of tail.

+ + + + + + + +

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas when he sees a sign on a restaurant:

"Lobster Tail Beer"

"Holy moley," he says to himself, "my three favorite things."

+ + + + + + + +

I knew it! I knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-a-Flat

+ + + + + + + +

A woman says to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday were meat at one end but nothing but cornmeal at the other end."

The butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is...it's difficult to make both ends meat."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is Santa's elves. N., jolly old toymakers. Def.: Subordinate clauses.

Accchmed the Dead Terrist

Click here for a dose of Achmed, the dead terrorist. Or not. I mean, if you don't like humor.....

+ + + + + + + +

Ol' Achmed will take you about 10 minutes to gather it all in, so the rest of this post will be of the short-end variety. Like.....

+ + + + + + + +

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race. Their planet consists of a gigantic shopping center. The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first. How could this be. But, after tremendous amounts of research, they have confirmed.....
.
.
.
.
...that it's a mall world after all.

+ + + + + + + +

"Forgive me father for I have sinned," a woman said in the confessional. "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest though for a minute and said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass, then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

+ + + + + + + +

"When I'm gone I want you to marry our neighbor," a man on his deathbead said to his wife.

"Why our neighbor?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all your life."

"Still do," gasped the husband.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is floppy. N., they make these anymore? Def.: When you run out of Polygrip.