Almost Time for the Big Day

Here in The Home for the Aged and the Addled, we are looking forward to tomorrow when the Super Bowl will be played. I know, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking old people can't have much interest in a young people's game. Yes, normally we don't watch football, because it comes on during our game shows. (We are SO hopeful Bob Barker will someday get a new set of dentures.) But since a billion other people will be watching, we don't want to be left out.

So this morning our Super Bowl Planning Committee met to decide what snacks we're going to have. As usual, I was chairman.

Me: "So, Hulda, what will you be bringing?"
Hulda: "My lettuce, turnip and pea salad. Hoo, ha, get it? 'Lettuce turnip and pea.' I learned that one in grade school. And the books we read: 'Holes in the Mattress' by Mister Completely; 'Spots on the Wall' by I.P. Shithigh." (Wheeze, gasp, chortle.)

Me: "And, Paul, you will be bringing what?"
Paul: "Loogies."
Gretchen: "You always bring loogies. It's so tiresome. I'd rather have boogers this time. Maybe dingleberries."

Me: "Jillian?"
Jillian: "I suppose I could bring the punch. I have a good recipe that calls for water and some other things. Water, seltzer and ice is the recipe, I think."

Me: "Takiko?"
Takiko: "Pork-fried lice."

Me: "Okay, that takes care of the food. Anybody know who's playing in the game?"
Merle: "I heard somebody say something about Broncs."
Paul: "That's right, it's the Bronco Nagurskis against the Canton Bullshitters."
Gretchen: "Oh, I do hope it's not those Red Sox people. They're so uppity and scraggly. If that Johnny Damon grows any more hair he's going to have every muff-diver in New England going down on his face."

After the game tomorrow I will post the results for those of you miss it. We will probably have food left over.

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The local university is staging the play, "The Vagina Monologues." When it's over, will the audience clap?