Down the 'Jeopardy' Tubes; Plus: Chapter Three

Well, this old folk is back in The Old Folks' Home after bombing out on "Jeopardy" last night. It was me against two women (two women for whom the word "ugly" was invented). You probably saw the show, or maybe you were making a sandwich waiting for "Wheel of Fortune" to come on. Since I assume you were probably making a sandwich (pork tatare on Russian rye), I'll give you a brief report about how I blew my big chance:

It all came down to "Final Jeopardy." The answer and my response:

A.: "This person flew the Spirit of St. Louis."
Q.: "Who was Redd Foxx?"

I am sure that Redd Foxx is the only famous guy to grow up in St. Louis. (Well, okay, Betty Grable was from there, too, but I don't think she knew how to fly.) It turned out that the right question was "Who was Charles Goldberg?" Goldberg was a diamond merchant from New York, and what the hell he was doing in some Missouri airplane was beyond my ken.

Television assholes will do anything to put the screws to us old people.

That person doing the weenie wave during the final credits wasn't me. That was one of the women.

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It appears that I don't have to worry about somebody stealing my book, even if I print the whole damn thing on the internet. My friend here, the Man Whose Daughter is a Lawyer, said I am protected under the Orville and Wilbur Copywright Laws. So I guess it will be okay to give you a peek at the next part of the book, which is now tenatively named "The Snows Family of Kilamanjaro Gets Out of Africa."

CHAPTER 3

(Background: Vivian Sleigh is a former Oriental beauty turned Caucasian who has lost both legs to accidents involving leghold traps [see Chapter 1]. Prosthetics have been sent to the local post office, but she has no car and can't walk to go get them because that's why she needs the new legs.)

Getting an Iditarod team (Chapter 2) to come to Theda Tara, Georgia, to transport her new legs now seems out of the question. All the entrants are busy screwing around in the snow yelling "Mush!," which is then provided by the Mother's Oats people.

Then one night, as she was bitching to Olivia de Haviland about not being asked to move her feet when people are vacuuming, this guy named Jesus came by. And he said: "Heal thyself."

Vivian put her mind to it, and lo the behold, out of her stumps grew a pair of heels.

Vivian snapped. "What are you doing, you twat!!?? You're supposed to say 'Thigh thyself' first. Thighs come before heels. And ankles and knees! Ankle bone connected to the knee bone, knee bone connected to the thigh bone, thigh bone connected to the hip bone, for Christ's sake!!" Jesus and Thomas Mitchell are so taken by this musical interlude they are dancing in the streets and composing more lyrics.

Mitchell later became famous by walking across the Mississippi River. (Late word is he may have used a bridge.)

Jesus later became famous for removing a stone from in front of his tomb. This gave birth to the phrase, "Jesus rocks!".

Meanwhile, Vivian still needs her legs transported from the post office to her home at Theda Tara. "I wonder," she wondered, "if the Budweiser Clydesdales are busy today?"