We Call in the Law-Man

I have reported in the past how we in the Home for Old Dodderers are unhappy with the speed of service from the kitchen. We are, frankly, disgustipated. (That is disgust accompanied by constipation, a common affliction of the Milk of Magnesia crowd.)

We decide to have a committee meeting. Chairing is Rick Downside, because he is the father of a daughter who is a lawyer, so by God he's sure to know a thing or two about justice and The American Way. There is nothing in Black's Law Dictionary that he doesn't know (he said, RES IPSA LOQUITOR-wise). I am on the committee because I am an almost lawyer. My mother offered to pay to send me through law school. I said: "Can I have the money instead?" (And I just happen to know that RES IPSA LQUITOR means that something or other is Just As Plain as the Nose on My Dad's Face.) So off we go:

Rick: "First we need to BIFURCATE."
Maude Frickert: "That the stuff you put in your refrigerator to make it smell good? Some kind of soda? What the hell's that got to do with anything?"
Rick: "No, that means we separate the issues."
Maude: "You couldn't separate a fucking egg, you moron. Try something else."

Rick: "We could get a WRIT OF MANDAMUS."
Me: "You can't get a court to require a cook to speed up service. Didn't your daughter teach you anything?"

Rick: "I am sure we have A CAUSE OF ACTION. We can sue for BREACH OF CONTRACT, or MALPRACTICE. If I can just get that bitch in the witness box....Does she have a box? Does anybody know?"
Susie Redwipe (aside to me): "Are all semi-lawyers horny?"

Rick: "Now then, when we sue, the first thing we ask for is a GAG ORDER."
Me: "We're talking about the speed of service, not the quality of the food. By the by, does anyone besides me know that the cook is spamming the internet to advertise her book, 'Reheating Made Easy'?"
Maude: "Somebody wrote a book once about that Spam. Said it's made of pig noses and dog butt. With a Jello filler."

Rick: "Moving right along, what do you think about the idea of claiming a TOXIC TORT?"
Susie: "I think raspberry tarts would be better."

Rick: "I believe I now have worked up A BILLABLE HOUR. So I say to hell with all this. As for the cook, screw her."
Susie: "For slow service you're going to reward her, you horny bastard?"

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When Rick moved in here, I didn't know he would become A NUISANCE.