The (Really High) Cost of Living

It is not cheap to live in an Assisted Living Home. I guess it wouldn't seem like a lot if you're Bill Gates or Bon Jovi or Jo-Lo or Tom Brady. But none of them live here, so the company has to get their money from somebody else. Me. (I guess everybody else who lives here pays something, too, but I never see any money change hands, so I'm not sure. Although it wouldn't surprise me to find out the money changers are back in the temple.)

Here is a sampling of what we're charged for, and how much:

"Keep track of and dispense medications: $100 a month. Prescriptions for oxycontin and morphine are split 50-50 with staff."

"Laundry: $5 per load, except $25 per load for sheets in which load has been dumped."

"Air: $1 per day for use of air in common living areas such as dining room and Fireside Room. (Respiratory equipment for use in common areas available for rent, $1 per day.)"

"Backrubs: $5 per occurrence. (Frontrubs are as follows: $2.50 per titty, $8 per weenie.)"

"Wheelchair service: 10 cents a pound for lightweights, 15 cents a pound for middleweights, 20 cents a pound for obese, 25 cents for morbidly obese, 50 cents a pound if resident's fat flows onto the floor."

"Management of resident's financial affairs: All of your assets will be transferred to the owner of the Home. You will receive all necessary services for life and/or until we can arrange to have you offed."

Bill Gates does not want to live here.