Slowpokes and Speed Demons

Here in The Old Folks' Home we do what it takes to remain ambulatory. There are people on crutches, canes, walkers, motorized wheelchairs, scooters and, yes, feet.

Some of my favorites:

Florence "Speedy" McNowhere -- Speedy takes steps that are at least 4, maybe 6, inches long. Don't get behind her in a crowded hallway, because there is no oasis in a Home for the Aged. You will die of thirst, or boredom, whichever comes first, but dead is dead, as I always say. Speedy plans to walk to Chicago this year for some charity deal -- the Bangladesh Accordion Society, I think. At her pace, she will finish the walk in maybe 2008. Take your time, Speedy.

Clarence "Earnfardt" Blipscreen -- Earnfardt is the proud owner of a scooter he scored off one of those "we'll get Medicare to pay for it" ripoffs advertised on TV. He can walk, but the idea of getting something for free -- well, hell, who wouldn't? Earnfardt barrels down the hallways at 20, 30, 90 miles an hour, he doesn't give a shit. The other day he took out Nelly Nervous, Maude Frickert and Carolina Sister in just one pass. This gives us three more broken hips for February. It is one shy of his record.

George "Fag" Philpot -- Fag is NOT a "fag." He got the nickname from back when he chain-smoked Camels, the dumb ass. Fag uses a walker to get around: One step, push walker, cough; next step, push walker, deep breath; ANOTHER step (by God), push walker, gasp. In the dining room he likes to leave the walker where the waitress can trip over it. When this happens, Fag tries to laugh. No go. "Wheeze" comes out. His tablemates laugh at Fag. Everybody's happy, except the waitress. Too bad he isn't a real fag; AIDS might kill him off sooner.

What we need around here are some good funerals.