I Strike It Rich

You know all about my book by now. But it's no longer a book. It is a screenplay!!

Yes, I have sold the rights to Twentieth Century Fucks for millions of dollars. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this money (billions?), but perhaps I will donate to a charity like the National Football League. The movie people say they like my book because it contains such stunning visuals, such as the burning down of Atlanta and Chicago, as well as all of South America, and scenes where Debbie is violated by the entire Dallas football team.

I hear that they will get Demi Moore to play the part of the heroine of my book. Since the heroine has no legs they might have to hew the legs off Demi Moore, but the casting director at 20th Century said it would be worth it.

All I have to do to collect is to finish the book/screenplay, which I will now do:

CHAPTER 5

(Synopsisosity: The book is entitled "Long Gone With the Wind and Rain," which will be shortened to "Long Rain" on the marquees. Long Rain is a Nez Perce phrase meaning "long rain." The heroine is Vivian Sleigh, whose legs were chopped off a couple years ago by a woodsman, who later said, "All I was told was to 'Spare That Tree.'" Vivian has ordered imitation legs from the Legs R Us factory outlet, and they have arrived at the post office near her home in Theda Tara, Georgia. But she hasn't been able to get them delivered to her because they arrived COD, which is a cousin of the lutefisk. As we have seen previously, she has considered a variety of transportation systems--via blue oxes, cruise ships, UFOs--but has had no solution. This is where the story picks up.)

"I wonder," said the now-getting-long-in-the-tooth Vivian Sleigh, "if the Pony Express people have a route near here. Or maybe the Greyhound Bus, only I have heard they are cutting back on service and now only carry people to Selma to protest things."

Little did she know, but fate would play a role in solving her dilemma. It seems that just this morning Jesse James robbed the local post office. Seeing a package addressed to Vivian Sleigh, Jesse (or maybe it was Frank) took it upon himself to deliver the long-awaited package to Theda Tara. Thomas Mitchell shot Jesse in the back and took the package to Vivian, and she opened it.

"Good grief!" she cried. "I shouldn't have ordered 'Extra Hairy'. These would fit Godzilla, for heaven's sake."

Godzilla, whose legs had been cut off in the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, came in from the next room.

"Look, little girl," said Gzilla. "I will wear these. You and I can get married and I will carry you every place we need to go, such as tomorrow when I am scheduled to level Tokyo and Mt. Fuji."

And so they lived slapstickedly ever after, living on a golf course that had a lot of doglegs.

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Author's Afterword: It came too late to include in the book, but I later discovered that Clark Kent Goble was so enraged upon hearing of the marriage that he threw a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor. There was no word on whether it floated.