Can I Finish By Lunchtime?

Ol' Hoss has been telling you how he spends his day. You have seen that it is mostly spent drinking Pero, rootbeer and Double Chocolate Stout. Occasionally I visit some of the people on my b**groll, such as:

11:33 a.m. -- Maybe I should go see some people who are now and then ill. My buddy, Karen, down there in Utah, seems to take more pills than anybody should have to. But by God she's as chipper as there is, so good on her. She has lots of fun stuff on her site. Back in New York is Babs the Spazz, who regularly makes fun of her epilepsy, and why the hell not?

11:37 a.m. -- In North Carolina is Edgy Mama (Anne Fitten), a published author ("Storm Mountain") who is putting the finishing touches on a second novel, "Janus Watchers." This two-header here is Janus, one of the oldtimer Roman gods. If you're nice, Anne will send you a page from her latest, and you will be mesmerized.

11:39 a.m. -- Somebody's opening my door. It's Delna again. I live on the first floor, she on the second. She thinks the way to her room is through mine. One time I said, "Yes, this is the way. Come in and take the elevator." We get into the middle of my place, and I say, "Sonofabitch, somebody stole my elevator. Go take the one down the hall." But she still stops in to check now and then.

11:41 a.m. -- I better go to Texas to see Surfie. Poor Surfie. Her mother won't retire because she knows Surfie will see to the needs of her ailing Dad. But all in all, Surfie is very upbeat and has fun stories to tell. Stay in Texas to see the lady who is turning two houses into one, Candace. She and her husband are selling their rental house and their own home so they can move to North Carolina to be closer to family. Ain't that sweet? And so she is.

11:46 a.m. -- What Jade is going through I wouldn't wish on a dog. She had a serious operation on her arm/shoulder that put her out of b**g commission for a month. She's back. Go give Jade a pat on the back. But save some pity for Portland, Oregon's Victoria. She created a Fantasy Football League for 10 of her readers -- and she is in last place! Ho ho har de har har, Vicki. But don't pity Happy Feet. Her 10-year wedding anniversary is next month (right around the time of my birthdays) and she's going to go hear The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. Poor baby.

11:58 a.m. -- I don't just visit girls. I drop into Colorado to see my buddy MuzikDude, an interesting Colorado cuss who has some neat friends named "The Duckslayers" and "The Bunnybashers." These people are super-tight, so the dude is plenty rich, indeed. I peddle my way up to British Columbia to see Trucker Bob, a really swell guy with a gift of good gab. Then I come back to my hometown of Salem, Oregon, to see Frank, a.k.a. The Pirate. Listen, this guy is a storyteller. I cannot say anything much nicer than that.

Noon -- Oregon once had an attorney general named George Neuner, back in the unenlightened days. One day George announced: "I am going to give all of you an hour for lunch, instead of 30 minutes. You will honor this by calling this extra period 'A Neuner.'" Which turned out to be just right.

Still Noon -- Time for lunch. Tuna casserole or breaded pollock? Honey, do we still have some oatmeal cookies?

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My favorite word today is constiprated. Adj., good subject for a rant. Def.: Harangues about sphincter constriction.