9:20 a.m. -- Have given wife breakfast. Look for something to nibble. Pop Tarts? Popcorn? Soda pop? Settle for beer touted to me by Angie, to whom I have referred before. She and her husband are fixing up a beautiful old house in Virginia, and awaiting the arrival of a newbie in about 135 days. The beer is "Young's Luxury Double Chocolate Stout." By prescription only.
9:25 a.m. -- I am a collector of clans. So I go off to visit the Pez bunch, whose matriarch is TanLucyPez (I also mentioned her two days ago). She is Lucy as in the Peanuts comic strip Lucy. All of these people have Pez-pal names. I am secretly in love with Lucy, who is in Pennsylvania, because she's so funny, and funny is the best. These are some of her kids: Acton Bell, also in Pennsy; the delightful dddragon, in Pennsy; and Aral, in Massachusetts. Aral is special to me. She is openly lesbian and is married. AND she plays goalie (!) for a ladies hockey team. I am very proud and fond of her.
9:40 a.m. -- Luxury Double Chocolate Stout on keyboard. Hair dryer begs for mercy. Reverse the flow on door-to-door salesman's $900 vacuum cleaner. "Z" is no longer stuck, but now can't use letter that always has "u" after it. Substitution: "The *uick and the Dead."
10 a.m. -- My next clan is based in Virginia, but The Cowgirl, pictured here (ain't she pretty?) cut the traces to move to Nashville because she wants a career in country music management. The head honcho in this group is Unga Chunga, still young enough to be a dynamite dancer and singer in community theater. Another daughter presides over one of my pet places to go, MommaK. Mom usually has some interesting *uestion for her visitors; everybody has a lot of fun. Another of the kids is... Wait a minute. Did you know the Internet went all the way to Okinawa? Sure you did because you drop in on my buddy Meredith, whose husband is stationed at a military post there. You can tell how wonderful Meredith must be by looking at the pictures of their 6-month-old son, Eli. And by reading her most interesting posts.10:20 a.m. -- Cleaning lady has been here and gone. I go potty. Seat up this time.
10:22 a.m. -- Decide to read the newspaper. Katrina, Ophelia, budget deficit, balance-of-trade deficit, Social Security, Iraq war. All a war of words. I pass.
10:30 a.m. -- Second wind. I track down the Judys. One is the lady who is so kind by sending me humorous stuff all the time, Judy (kenju), over there in North Carolina. She sells wedding flowers; no funerals, thank you very much. I am in love with Judy, too. Down in Texas is Judy, who has two dreamboat children and who is deep into landscaping, including a banana bush. Did you know bananas would grow in Texas? Did you know the Internet went to Texas?
10:35 a.m. -- Also in Texas is a lady to whom I regularly send Internet kisses and hugs. This is because she's such a great writer, numbnuts! The fact that she's really pretty has nothing to do with it. This is Tisha Sharp, who recently lost her bedroom wall to a careening motorist. Someday Tisha will have a book, and you will buy it.
10:40 a.m. -- Most people go through life not knowing any Tammys. I got three: my niece; my Tammy Average Mom, a now stay-at-home-from-schoolteaching-Mom who lives up near Whitehorse; and my Tammy Boo, of Maine, one of two b**ggers who has visited me. Speaking of dogs (hee hee; Hoss 1, Tammy Boo 0), I visit my buddy Schnoodlepooh of Washington State, who has two dogs and who reminds us incessantly: "Baxter is a poodle, Bailey is a schnoodle."
10:50 a.m. -- Begin worrying about a topic for posts in the future. Possible themes (let me know which you like best): Amoeba Sex Life; When Salt Lake Wasn't So Salty; the Porous Borders of Rhode Island; How Grunion Got Their Name; the Commandment Moses Didn't Tell Us ("Thou Shalt Buy Low, Sell High").
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My favorite phrase today is so yesterday. Adj., teen speak. Def.: Your teenager's description of the new cellphone you bought yesterday which is passe' today.
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