Lot's Wife Was a Salty Old Dame

While I was engaged in the Summer/Autumn of Compliments to my b**gger buddies, I mentioned that I would need a topic for when I was all done with that. The votes are in. Out of 800 page visits, I got two votes for "When Salt Lake Wasn't So Salty," and one for "Rhode Island's Pourous Borders." Fortunately, those two subjects are practically identical. The wisdom in this piece is entirely attributable to Feelgood Haines, the history buff who lives in my Old Folks' Home and who knows every history ever histed.

+ + + + + + + +

Feelgood: "Have you ever floated yourself in Great Salt Lake, Hoss? Probably not, as you are such a shut-in. But in case you get a chance to go floating, you might wanna think it over two or four times. See, the Salt Lake is full of piss."

Ol' Hoss: "Anybody know if it's going to be sunny today?"

Feelgood: "You dip. Salt don't evaporate. Listen, people can float right on top of Salt Lake because it's got so much salt in it. From Mormon piss. I can see by the look on your face you wanna know all about it."

Hoss: "I am pining away."

Feelgood: "So, when the Mormons came to Utah in the 1840's, they saw right away what a great tourist attraction the Great Salt Lake would be if people could float in it. And they needed tourists because they wanted to raise money to build a Nabertacle for this great choir they had. So these Mormons would go down and swim in the lake and relieve theyselves because they knowed there was a lot of salt in pee-pee. After a few years, one of them guys started floating because they had so much salt in the water, so they declared victory and got themselves an extra wife from Brigham Young."

Hoss: "I remember that."

Feelgood: "Then they put out a bumper sticker that said, 'Walk on the Water With Jesus When He Comes.' A side effect of this campaign was they got to add a lot of out-of-state baritones and altos to the choir. But that's not the best part."

Hoss: "I knew you'd get to it."

Feelgood: "The State of Rhode Island would fit inside the boundaries of the Great Salt Lake. So that has made Rhode Island's borders really pourous, because as you know, the salt pours when it rains and water seeps everywhere, like a fart in church. Lucky for Rhode Island, the Messicans don't know about these loose borders yet."

Feelgood: "I wonder if there is salt in Rhode Island piss? A lot of those assholes drink margaritas, don't they?"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is bummer. N., same as terrible, horrible, no-good day. Def.: A nostalgic reminiscence about the good old days which, on reflection, weren't really that good.