Such an Interesting Life I Lead

I think I will tell you about how I spend my day. I do not have any young children to put vomit on me, or to throw poop on the walls. I don't have any neighbors I can visit and write about because we're all deaf as posts. I am tethered to oxygen so I don't get stuck in traffic anymore. So all in all, I'd say I've got it better than you.

2:20 a.m. -- Go potty. I sit down on the toilet so I can find out if I raised the seat the last time I went. (I COULD test the seat with my hand, but that is not very sanitary. Sanitary is The American Way.)

6:30 a.m. -- Go potty. It is now light enough to see that I didn't raise the toilet seat when I must have gone potty a couple of hours ago and can't remember that I went. (This is a work in progress.)

6:35 a.m. -- Get dressed. All my sweatshirts have bumper slogans on the front, like "In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded." I am a fan of the Big Bang and the Gang Bang.

6:40 a.m. -- Publish my piece on the Internet. Go to my home page, then go back to my b**g page. This assures that I will get one hit today. I leave a comment: "Pretty lame, Hoss."

6:45 a.m. -- Whip up a cup of Pero. This is a coffee substitute made, I think, out of barley and rabbit shit. These are the only two things scientists know of that don't contain caffeine.

6:48 a.m. -- Start visiting my b**g buddies. Usually I start with Whizzer (Mandy), back there in Connecticut, who is both funny and pretty. Here's what she looks like. Fine and dandy, no? She has been looking for true love and lately maybe has found same. Good for her.

6:52 a.m. -- Then I chase down Zoot's Mom, in Tennessee. She's a cute writer although she talks about a lot of stuff I don't care about. But I have to keep visiting because I am trying to get next to her daughter, Miss Zoot, who is over there in Alabama. Missy is about 8 months pregnant, so it is not what you think, dirty-mouth. Missy makes a helluva template and I am keeping her on the hook in case I ever need a new one.

6:54 a.m. -- Start checking on b**ggers with weird
relatives/husbands/acquaintances. I go see my Florida buddy, Laura, who is hacked at Arlene, Dennis, Emily, Katrina, Ophelia, and now Rita, which are some of this year's hurricanes that have caused Florida to escape to the Rockies. Then I might head to Central Oregon, where I can find Annie, who has a married brother who is advertising for some more women to give him some loving. I check with Seshat, an incurable West Virginia romantic who is currently mired in some not-good stuff. I visit, in Pennsylvania, TanLucyPez, who has a strange brother-in-law who is quite free with opinions and sperm. I never fail to visit Christine, who is writing "100 Reasons Why I Hate My Husband." This poor soul is between a rock (her husband) and a hard place (her children). But she amuses the hell out of us.

(You know, this is going to take awhile. I hope you're in for the long haul.)

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My favorite word today is manhole. N., under cover. Def.: A device constructed to allow men to look up the dresses of women passing by.

My second favorite word today is 18-wheeler. N., catch you on the flip side. Def.: A device constructed to allow men to look down the dresses of women passing by.