Hoss Knocks Off Another 'Meme'

My Australian buddy Ozguru has laid a meme on me. That's okay. I am really good at stuff involving me, and when it's a "double me" is when I really shine. He says, "Name five idiosyncracies."

My first reaction is, "How did he know I was peculiar?" My second reaction is, "How do I narrow down the list?"

1. I have all my original teeth. They are in a jar. Some have gold on them. Unfortunately, these teeth, being a second set, did not qualify for a visit from The Tooth Fairy, so the gold represents my entire estate. Maybe this isn't idiosyncratic.

2. I didn't have my first beer until I was 14. Most kids in the 1930's and 1940's had beer a lot sooner than that. And then I QUIT drinking beer until I was 15! This counts as being peculiar.

3. I have been married 5 times, twice to the same (present) wife. Women taste good. Mickey Rooney was married 8 times. He is more peculiar than I am.

4. I ALWAYS put on my left right left (?) sock first. But nowadays I don't wear socks, just slippers, everywhere I go. I think I will be cremated with my slippers on, because when I go, I want to be comfortable.

5. I am quick to make fun of pe0ple, like cripples, ethnic groups, accordion players, Jews, and diamond merchants because they are all Jews. Wait a minute..... I guess this is pretty normal, sort of The American Way. Maybe I better add one to the list just to cover my traces with Oz.

6 (provisional). Coconuts are what gags the maggot. You poor saps who struggle to get into a coconut, and then struggle to get the hull off the meat are the biggest time-wasters in history. Coconut meat is not edible. Coconut milk has more cholesterol than lard. Eat the husk if you want fiber. Coconut salesmen ought to be hung up by their coconuts. I may be peculiar, but I am not queer.

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My favorite word today is conflict. (N., not to reason why.) Def.: The difference between actresses at casting ("Pick me!") and flowers in the forest ("Pick her!").