Cheese With Mold Gets Mighty Old

The apartment my wife and live in is pretty small, less than 600 square feet. So even if we throw out a few pieces of paper we gain quite a bit of space to fit some more oxygen in. A guy can't get too much oxygen.

So here are some old love letters from my wife that I'm tossing:

"2 lbs. hamburger
"Collard greens
"Whatever kind of beer you like."

(You ever have a wife that put beer on your shopping list? I thought not. Mine is the best.)

"This is the fourth day we have not spoken to each other. The next time Ed McMahon calls for you, should I say anything?"

(A normal wife wouldn't a let on that Ed called the first time. Ain't she a peach?)

"You once said if I ever need anything, to let you know. I'm letting you know that I need a trip to Reno so I have sold your golf clubs and your bowling ball."

(How many wives would keep their husbands in the know like that? I ask you.)

I guess I need to give up cleaning for the day. Somehow, all the notepaper my wife uses gives me paper cuts.

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My newest buddy, Inanna, has sent me this little bit of news:

Not to be outdone by "Two-Buck Chuck" wine at Trader Joe's, WalMart is putting out some house brands to join the competition. Where they got a leg up is they can afford a lot of money for naming rights. There is this Arkansas professor of country marketing who says "the right name is important."

A marketing survey turned up the 10 most popular names for the wines WalMart will hustle in the $2-4 range:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectorations
1. Nasti Spumante.

The beauty of WalMart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel). Go tell Inanna "thanks." And fish around over there till you find one of her West Virginia tales. She's a pistol.

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My favorite word today is never. Adj., no way. Def. When the temporary federal tax on telephone service will expire.