This Will Make Sense, Eventually

A lot of people have been wondering how Ol' Hoss manages to read so many b**gs (102, now) and still have a normal life. I know it's not natural to read a lot of b**gs, but it's not bordering on bestiality, either.

I was never much into bestiality. Not many people are. I guess there was just this one guy in my high school, but nobody else. He was kind of a loner, so I don't know if this was an early cow-homo sapiens cloning experiment, or just a cow-homo deal. I don't know how it turned out. Some things just don't interest me.

Cloning might be a better deal for me than reincarnation, come to think of it. I was readin' my Reincarnation Monthly, and there was a sidebar about different ideas for keeping alive/coming back/not going. One of these ideas -- I think I told you about this before -- was where they scrape some cells offa your whang and then grow a New You in a test tube. I guess the cells gotta come off the whang because, to a man, that's his most important part. It's what a lot of guys think with.

Another idea -- and this drew a lot of favorable comment -- was Not Going. This is the cheapest alternative, since reincarnation is kind of tricky and involves hiring some Voodoo guys down in Haiti and like that. It seems the way you Don't Go is to keep on breathing. Since breathing is so natural -- not like bestiality at all -- this seems like a pretty simple way of Staying Alive.

So that's how I manage to read so many b**gs.

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The Washington Post has had its annual Mensa Invitational. Readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the good ones:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

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My favorite word today (courtesy of the Washington Post) is Karmageddon. N., plant you now, dig you later. Def.: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.