Feelgood Explains the Fourth of July

We were having a nice nod-off in the Fireplace Room when Feelgood Haines thundered in.

Feelgood: "Hoss! I am so glad I caught you here. I am about to explain to this assemblage of personal people what is not much known about the Fourth of July. For instance, did you know our people were hacked at King George because he wouldn't let people emigrate to the US of A? Ain't that a burner, huh?"

Hoss: "Uh...snurfle...em...."

Feelgood: "Get up, Hoss. This is important. See, we used to be in favor of immigration. Now we're against it. Does the Supreme Court know about this?"

Hoss: "Put a lid on it, Feelgood."

Feelgood: "Now that I got your attention, get this from the Declaration of Independence, Missouri:

"He (King George III) has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages..."

Feelgood: "See, them redskins used to take scalps, which was no good. But now they're taking our dough in their damn casinos. Which is also no good. I think scientists would say this is 'too bad'."

Hoss: "Scientists, huh?"

Feelgood: "Are you listening? We are celebrating the 230th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence by Button Gwinnett. Wouldn't you like to have a name like that? Button. Boy howdy."

Hoss: "I'm not sure they signed on July the Fourth."

Feelgood: "Well, a course they dint. In fact, when they voted on it, Pennsylvania and South Caroline voted NO. You dint know that did ya, you old sonofabitch? No, you dint, no fakin' with me. That's prolly why Pennsylvania has all those liquor blue laws."

Hoss: "I DO know that one guy didn't even sign until 1781. He was thinking it over."

Feelgood: "Well, anyway, we got this song that's associated with the Fourth of July stuff, that's called 'Battle Hymn of the Republic'. And in there is this line: 'As ye deal with my contemners...' Holy dung beetles, Hoss, you ever see that word before? Nevertheless, let me polish this off with a quote from Ol' Tom Jefferson, who wrote this on declining an appearance at the 50th anniversary of independence:

'For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollection of these rights [of men], and an undiminished devotion to them.'"

Feelgood: "Ta ra ra, boom de ay. That's how cherry bombs sound. Devoted cherry bombs."

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My favorite word today is contemner. Adj., ain't that a bitch? Def.: To treat with contempt; viz., a Simon Legree sneer.