A True Believing Atheist

Feelgood Haines: "Hoss, I see in your piece yesterday you said you is a atheist. Some of your readers asked whether that was indeed true, and I am jumpin' right in. Is that right? You is a no-believer?"

Hoss: "Uh, yeah, something like that."

Feelgood: "Ain't you a pistol? So you don't believe in God or Angels or Satan or Tooth Fairies?"

Hoss: "Well, I think maybe the Tooth Fairy is real. And, of course, when I do a good deed I always get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS."

Feelgood: "How about that, Heaven and Hell?"

Hoss: "Pretty fictional, Feelgood. I think heaven and hell is what we live right here on the ground. I could never cotton much to the idea of some invisible honcho keepin' book on me somewhere. And who said St. Pete could be the guardian to Heaven? How come it isn't Mother Teresa?"

Feelgood: "Streets of Gold? Heavenly Hosts? Mt. Ararat? Arafat? Any of those?"

Hoss: "No. Well, Arafat is busy turning into dust. Say, Feelgood, you ever see that bumper sticker that says 'Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks you're an asshole?'"

Feelgood: "I feel sorry for you Hoss."

Hoss: "Why's that?"

Feelgood: "The Jehovah's Witnesses will be all over you like a tall dog. You ain't never gonna get no peace. And, hell, if they ever give up on you, some of those Mormons gonna jump your bones. Poor bastard. What if you die?"

Hoss: "I got that covered."

Feelgood: "Covered?"

Hoss: "Yeah. I ain't plannin' on dying."

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My favorite word today is God. N., hello, Big Ernie. Def.: A comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. --Voltaire.