Detoxifying the Mysteries

In my last post I appear to have mystified some of you. Frinstance, couple people said they had never heard of Walnettos (boo! hiss!). Here are a couple of pictures of a Walnetto in action and out of action. Picture on the left shows real Walnettos, which were chocolate covered caramels with crushed walnuts. (You can still get 'em. Just go Google.)

The picture on the right is from the old Rowan and Martin Laugh-in Comedy of sometime in the 1960's (maybe 70's?). The fella on the ground is Arte Johnson, who regularly would sidle up to Ruth Buzzi and say, "Want a walnetto?" She then would pummel Arte with her purse.

I hope you all got that straight. There will be a test next week.

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And I stuck some people with my thing-that's-shaped-sorta-like-a-pear-that's-green-inside-but-isn't-avocado. Surely I thought everyone knew that this is guacamole, which I could eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Vicki got it right and then wondered if maybe I mean guava jelly. C'mon, Vicki, be a princess. I don't know what guavas is (are?). Guacamole is made of mashed avocado, chopped green onion, chopped jalapeno and chopped tomatoes.

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Miz Mell wanted me to put up a picture of my tomatoes. This is because I challenged her to a tomato-growing contest. She has tomatoes bigger than a dinosaur coprolite. I am still waiting for my first tomato flower. Is it time for me to declare I won this contest? (How was I to know she lived in some damn hothouse?)

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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. The doctor says, "That looks nasty." "Nasty!" replies the man. "This is just the tip of the iceberg."

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My favorite word today is ptarmigan. N., what feeds foxes. Def.: A pkind of pbird.

Hoss Nails Another Meme

"
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." --
Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

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Acton Bell, she of the Pez Family, hit me with a meme (and for those of you not imbued with an implanted dictionary, a "meme" is "a unit of cultural information"). I will do it, but I will not ask anybody else to do it because after I am finished there will be nothing left to say.

What were you doing 10 years ago?" Now, right there is where Acton Bell has got it all wrong. You do not ever ask a guy who is 76 what he was doing when he was 66. You will not get any information, because the 76-year-old (me) is just likely to say, "Damned if I know. Same thing I was doing 20 years ago, I guess." So it goes.(Pushy broad.)

What were you doing 1 year ago? More history. Screw that.

What five snacks do you enjoy? Now we're in business. The best five snacks ever are Walnettos, Pork and Beans, Vienna Sausage, Red Hots, and that stuff you make out of the thing that sort of looks like pears but is soft and green inside whose name is not avocados. Don't attack this list in the comments. Old people know what's right.

Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. Ho ho har de har har. Chortle, giggle and gag. I know the lyrics to EXACTLY ONE song, and it is "Take an Old Cold Tater and Wait". You never heard of it. I do get a kick out of Kenny Rogers, though. Also Roy Rogers.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire. I hate you people who are holding me back. As long as you are giving me fictional money, make it a lot; something like 5 bazillion. Then I'd give it all to poor people so they can start over. In about 20 years, the rich people will have it, and the poor will be poor again. This is known as "the American Way."

Name your five worst habits. 1. Taking a meme hit from Acton Bell. Scientists say this is "too bad." 2. I dunno. 3. Hmmmm.... 4. This is really hard to do..... 5. Giving money to poor people.

Name five things you like doing. 1. I like it when you visit my b**g. Then I know you are still interested in educating yourself. 2. I like it when I visit your b**g. Then I see how much help you need. 3. Sleeping. 4. Getting up. 5. Booze-books-birds-travel-hugs from Scamp. (Did I mention sleeping and getting up?)

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My favorite word today is net. N., be sure to learn your Boy Scout knots. Holes tied together with string.

I Get the News When.....When I Can?

Okay, just....whoa!...easy now...damn that hurts....Quit pulling!.....WTF?..... Buttwipe...

See, what you do is, on the first of the month you run a picture of a rabbit in distress and all the month you will have good luck. According to the Pez family of B**ggers, anyway. But I think it works: I am the luckiest man in the universe, having landed with my once wife, Scamp.

(I'm not sure the rabbit has to be in distress. But, what the hey?)

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The First of the Month also calls for posting the winner of a Perfect Post award. This was invented by Momma K and Lucinda to reward "extra effort" by people who write so purty.

This month, my Perfect Poster is, once again, a humorist, who can be found at Holtie's House. He tells a tale about a pregnancy and a "middle wife". Go enjoy.

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Now, then: A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires last year. The smoke from the fires was so thick that taking pictures from ground level was impossible. So he got permission from his boss to charter a flight so he could take photos from the air.

He called the Local County Airport to charter a flight. He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and then shouted "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some closeup shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're NOT my flight instructor?"

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My favorite word today is reboot. N., something about computers, right? Def.: What you do at 2 a.m. when you have to get up to go to the outhouse.

Nothing Is More to Lose

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

Fine. This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes. If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing. This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin in Nothing usually end in Fine.

Go Ahead. This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!!

Loud Sigh. This is not quite a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

That's Okay. This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks. Don't read anything into this. Do not question it. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome." Sometimes that works.

Whatever. V., meaning screw you!

Don't Worry About It; I Got It. This is something a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

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My favorite word today is laptop. N., someplace to put the computer? Def.: Where the kittie naps.

Hoo Boy! I Am Going to Get Richness

This signboard may have well been written by Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary.

Whom, you asked, is Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary? Why she is the one who is going to make me richness. See, she wrote me a letter which I can share with you:

"I am Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary (see, I wasn't lying), a natinality of Sierre Leone, but writen you from madrid in Spain (I am glad it is not the madrid in Japan). I happily married to late Mr. P. Ansary, we were both married for 7 years without a child, and he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days (I suspect some people who are offed by their wives don't even last that long.).

"My late husband was a Gold and Diamond marchant based in West Africa, before he died he has sum of $23M (Twenty Three Million United States Dollars), in a depository box he deposited as a consignment in one of the security firm in Benin Republic under my name. (Only make deposits in a depository account. Use something else for withdrawals.)

"Presently am diagnosed with cancer of the breast (which one, for God's sake! I may have a preference.), and am writen you from my sick bed in one of the hospital in Spain where am undergoing surgical operation, and due to my health condition am unable to carry out the funds relocate myself.

"I seek for your help to make the change of ownership of the depository box containing the funds ($23M) to your favour, and relocate to your care in your country/resident state for joint partnership in the investment of the funds in a lucrative business (can't we just get by on the $23 million?), after my recovering from the break cancer surgical operation I shall join you for the investment project.

"I offer you 15% of the total sum for your honorarium assistance, while we have joint partnership in the investment of 85% of the sum. If you have accepted to assist me, urgently contact me for more detail to proceed on this business without delays (I hope you have more than four days.).

"Thank you and remain bless."

My question is: Should I go on a spending spree now, or wait till she relocates?

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Gee golly whiz! I never knew flashers could be good for us. But it's true. Go see the lady get her purse back, here.

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My favorite phrase today is show and tell. N., is not always a child's game. Def.: What we don't do unless we're in Vegas.

Snatched From Babes' Mouths

Time for some cuteness:

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

Steven, 3, hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

Brittany, 4, had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

Marc, 4, was engrossed by a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

James, 4, was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Susan, 5, was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

Tammy, 4, was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

Debra, 5, was in church with her mother. The minister was speaking: "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust." Debra leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill five-year-old voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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Sometimes a copy machine can be a smartass. Go here to see.

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My favorite word today is Windows. N., when XP transmorgrifies into Vista. Def.: What to shut when it's cold outside.

He Laughed, But Not Like a Hyena Would

Here's a headline from my computer's Home Page: "Cancer Care Seeks to Take Patients Beyond Survival." Some cure; beyond survival is dead.

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Recently the Washington Post asked its readers to come up with amusing analogies:

"His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks."

"His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he ges hit with the automatic external defibrillators."

"As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps."

"There was something about him that just screamed money, as if he'd trained a myna bird to fly around him screaming "money."

"She was jumping up and down laughing hysterically, like a hyena duct-taped to a kangaroo."

"His mustache looked like a fuzzy caterpillar seeking shade under a big nose."

"The news hit hard, like a stack of Washington Posts thrown from a moving truck -- in fact exactly like that."

"Her pushed-up cleavage reminded him of two Charlie Brown heads."

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Want to see a great fake-out move? Go here.

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Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup, $150 for a cut and curl, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes, and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed these things to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

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My favorite word today is yawn. N., been there, done that. Def.: Technical name for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making of a porno film.

Things Are Beginning to Not Make Sense

This clipping (you will need to click on it to make it bigger) is apropos of something: My girl friend, former wife Scamp. See, we have His and Her TVs, so she came roaring in from visiting Hers.

"Gene, Gene, you missed this!" she emphatically announced. "They've found (this is the ubiquitous 'they') that Viagra will reduce jet lag 40 percent. They checked hamsters for this and it's true. I wonder where they got the hamsters?" (Ans: See the news clip above.)

Not finished, she announces "Oh, that reminds me. There is this guy (the ubiquitous guy) who has spent 20 years training mice to ride surfboards. He makes waves in this little tank about 12 inches deep and they ride and ride, all day."

"What," I ask, "does this scientist hope to prove?"

"Prove?" Scamp asks. "Isn't it obvious? Mice can ride surfboards. Boy, you are thick."

She turns to go, but rebounds. "One other thing. Somebody had some rats in a lab and when the testing was done they had all these rats left over and didn't know what to do with them."

"So," I said, "probably they drowned them. That's a pretty nice way to go, I'm told."

"Oh, no. Don't be silly," she said. "There was this lady (ubiquitous, again) who knew all about rats and she took them home and they run all over the house. She even sleeps with them."

"Is that it?" I asked. "Can I now watch the rest of the ball game?"

"So watch," she responded. "I guess you don't want to know about what happens when she feeds them some Viagra."

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My favorite word today is commencemint. N., who was summa cum lousy? Def.: An event at which green creme de menthe is served.

Over the Mountain and Far Away

Last weekend (5/18-20) Scamp and I headed over the Cascade Mountains to Bend (165 m.) to see Dick (bro) and Ann (SIL). And we (8) good, and downed lots of (xxx).

Okay, enough of that. While there my bro (Dick) showed me this benchmark he lifted when the Pilot Butte Inn was torn down about 100 years ago (25?). I don't know if you can read it, but it says you get fined $250 or go to jail (imprisonment) if you move this thing. My brother has moved it lots since he rescued it from the second concrete step of the Pilot Butte Inn. I think it's okay to tell you about this, 'cause I know you wouldn't tell nobody.

This marker says the elevation of Bend at that point is 3,628 feet. Of course, it's not there anymore, so I don't know what its present elevation is.

By the way, the purpose of this benchmark is to be a benchmark. It helps them know where to put the other benches.

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When did I last show you Ellen DeGeneres chasing a ball? I think it was....No, wait. It was Ellen DeGeneres showing a dog chasing a ball, that's what it was. Pretty funny, too, so go here to see that.

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You know I am a word freak, for I wrote a post just a few days ago saying I am a word freak. I read this lately: "During World War II an English lady invited three Polish flyers from the nearby RAF aerodrome over for tea. She asked the first officer if he was married. When he replied affirmatively, she asked if they had any children. 'No, we cannot; my wife is impregnable.' The second officer said, 'No, his English is not so good. He means his wife is unbearable.' The third officer said, 'No, no. Both English no good. He means his wife is inconceivable.'"

And this: "Last night at Carnegie Hall, the Prague String Quartet played Mozart. Mozart lost."

Which reminded me of a review I wrote of a play during my newspaper days. The play was, as I recall, "The Time of Your Life." My review: "It wasn't."

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My favorite word today is pithy. N., meat of the coconut. Def.: How the harelip describes my b**g.

The Three Damn Bears

I see an ad in my comments section (put there by Google) for horsetail. So I clicked on it and eventually discovered that horsetail is, in one life, at least, a physical exfoliation. Hah! I think I will sell this stuff as an alternative to bikini wax. Clean up your entire hoo ha for pennies a few bucks a crack.

(Hoo ha again! I said crack!! Start saving. I'll put up an order form when I figure out how much I need to take a spaceship to someplace like Andromeda.)

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So, when you get to be middle-aged, you want to stay home, which these middle-aged women did not.

(Did I get this from you, Marti? If so, thankee.)

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Four hundred years ago, English-speaking immigrants slipped into Jamestown, Va. When will America start getting serious about protecting its borders?

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So Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Then Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

"For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

"It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mommy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who swept the kitchen. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mommy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mommy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their water and refilled their water bowls.

"And now you have decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mommy Bear with your grumpy presence. Listen carefully, for I am only going to say this once --

"I haven't made any f*****g porridge yet!!"

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My favorite word today is disgust. N., you cramp my style. Def.: Criticizing strong winds.

On the Wings of a Dove

MizMell has tagged me with a meme. You know how I am about memes -- I ace 'em, that's what I do. That's because they is all about me, and I know more about me than you do.

So what this is, is I am supposed to write 8, or 5, true-or-false, stranger than fiction, oddball things about me. MizMell wrote 8, and found it was pretty hard, and so is 5. I might do 3. I might just do one and you can imagine the rest.

1. I am a bird freak. I go pretty far to see birds. I have been to three bird refuges since moving to Wilsonville. At the last one they had dog/pony show with a bald-headed eagle, a California vulture, a great horny owl and a macaw that got too big for its britches. Meanwhiles, I bought expensive binoculars which are the greatest thing since beached whale. See, they're 10x30, which makes them hard to hold on a bird. But they got this red button you press and everything in the view becomes stable. Great scott it is good.

2. I am a word freak. I guess it comes from years of reading the dictionary, the Bible and the encylopedia. None of which I've ever finished. The dictionary and encyclopedia had all the seamy stuff. For instance, when I read my local weekly it reports on thefts (bicycles, laptops, cameras, etc.) and then usually closes by saying, after police failed to find anything, "It was gone." The last issue of the paper had 11 "it was gone"s. I also have corrected spelling for some of you, so that makes me really freaky. I should keep my big nose out of your nose.

3. I have a big nose. This is not for sticking into your business; it is for wearing on my face. I think I read somewhere that when you die your ears and nose keep on growing for awhile. Might not be possible for me; the way things are going my ears are going to overlap my nose any minute now. My nose has got a lot of broken blood vessels in it, so I asked a hot-shot dermatologist if he could use a hot laser and make me pretty again. He said, "Nah." Shit.

4. My damn hip hurts. For the last year or so I have had a bad right hip. So I have had two epidurals, heat packs, cold packs, cold laser and now a steroid shot. As so many of you know, having constant pain is not the road to a fun life. I have not mentioned this before because I know how much you want me to be perfect. Well, just because my hip hurts I'm still better off than you. I have low blood pressure.

5. I care about politics. But I have not burdened you with it. There are lots of b**ggers who write about politics; for some of them, that's ALL they write about. I do have an Obama sticker on my b**g, but that's just so you who are supporting somebody else will not bother me with it. And I do post a riposte at the expense of George W. occasionally. But doesn't everybody? The reason I don't write about politics is because even if could convince you that you need to shape up and fly right, I wouldn't be able to mark your ballot for you. Scientists would say that is "too bad".

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My favorite word today is meme. N., a cultural for cults. Def.: The answer to: "Who was first in line?"

As Mortimore Snerd Would Say

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to perform at a West Virginia inn. He's going through his usual run of stupid jokes when a guy in the audience stands on his chair and says, "I've heard enough of your denigrating West Virginia jokes."

He continues to berate the ventriloquist. "What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected nationwide, because you continue to perpetuate discrimination against West Virginia, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the berater pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

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Two blonde girls are working for the City Public Works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But, today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

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My favorite phrase today is hard drive. N., better use Google. Def.: Getting home in the wintertime.

No, It Wasn't the Dog Food

When a mechanic works hard, he can pay his bills and feed his kids, no?

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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in this line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.....

Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby, so I told her:

"No," I said. "I am starting the Purina diet once again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time -- although I had lost about 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."

While her eyes began to bulge out of her head, I went on. "Actually, the Purina diet is really inexpensive. What you do is you load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package says the food is nutritionally complete, so I am going to try it again."

Horrified, she found her voice. "Did something in the dog food poison you and that's why you landed in the hospital?"

I said, "No. I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

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So a woman goes to the medical office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An old doctor found her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 and she has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and, without looking up, said "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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My favorite phrase today is log on. V., one of them nautical doohickeys. Def.: Making the stove hotter.

The Animal Who Went Crackers

Here's a short test for all you smart people:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Ans.: The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?

Ans.: Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door? Wrong answer. The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussion of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Ans.: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, if you're not doing too well on this, you have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Ans.: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

(According to a consulting firm, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. This conclusively proves the theory that most professionals don't have the brains of a 4-year-old.)

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My favorite word today is chip. N., off the old block. Def.: A pasture muffin you try not to step on.

What Typecast Is Jesus?

Just because I say God doesn't exist doesn't mean I have turned my back on Jesus. No, nevermore. Jesus was a hell of a carpenter and a fisherman and he knew something about oenology, too. Well-rounded guy. So consider this:

1. There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
He called everyone brother.
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.

2. But, then, there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

3. Then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with his meals.
He used olive oil.

4. And then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.

5. But maybe he was an American Indian:
He was at peace with nature.
He ate a lot of fish.
He talked about the Great Spirit.

6. Then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

7. But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was work to do.

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The phone rings at this hotel where a West Virginian is at the helm.

"I wanted to ask you something," said the caller. "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well," says WVa, "six of them are appointed west, and the rest are appointed east."

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My favorite phrase today is mouse pad. N., what if it was a real mouse? Def.: Hippie talk for where a mouse lives.

Think on This

Let's see....Should I get a dog...



Or adopt a couple of kids?



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This blonde (of course!) walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

Another blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special cruise. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first student asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

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This guy goes to visit his doctor and says, "Doctor, my arm hurts real bad. Can you check it out, please?"

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk: "Hello, Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty dollars? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha, I see the problem! Your arm is broke."

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My favorite word today is cache. N., where Adm. Scott left some frozen seal. Def.: What you need when you run out of food stamps.

Suddenly, She Felt the Stupids Coming On

You know what happens on the first of the month, right? It's when we run a picture of a bunny and say "Rabbit! Rabbit!" Then we have good luck all month long. If you don't do this, you might get eaten by a dog.

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The first of the month is also when we announce who is our poifect posterino (Perfect Poster to you people who didn't grow up in New Joisey). Perfect Post is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. They host all the monthly winners so we (you and me, bub) can honor them all with a visit.

My winner is Stacie, who has this pronounciation affliction. Please read this post and come back and tell me how belly-laughed you got.

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Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore at breakneck speed?

I'm a firm believer that animals -- and especially dogs -- have keen insights into the Truth. And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right...when impending doom is upon us...



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My favorite word today is wacked. N., loose as a goose. Def.: The final state of mind of Dubya just before the keepers come to take him to the home.

This Will End, Eventually

Here's a shaggy dog story, laid on me by my sister, Tan Lucy Pez.

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. It was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular: "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water, thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore, thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwish. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, at which point I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You think this is enough activity for one bank of one lake? There is more.

A wee mouse down by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat luking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the bank of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear, and the mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly.
The bear grabs the fish.
The hunter shoots the bear.
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.
The cat jumps for the mouse.
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger.

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My favorite word today is innie. N., a lint receptacle. Def.: The tiny depression in a Nabisco cracker.

When a House Is Not a Home

Your house as seen by the appraiser.


Your house as seen by the buyer.


Your house as seen by the assessor.


Your house as seen by the lender.


Your house as seen by you.


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A man left work one Friday sfternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night he was confronted by his furious wife and was bombarded for his action by an angry tirade for over two hours.

Then his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which the husband replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Finally, on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

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My favorite word today is dweeb. N., uh, what's your sign? Def.: The kind of person who has to leave before the party can be enjoyed.

What's in a Name Game?

I just love Turkish television: You can watch the pictures without getting invested in the ads because they speak this weird language that no one understands. So I feel safe in recommending this ad for a bank in Turkey, because the pictures are worth at least 2,000 words. To see this gem, click on Click.

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for most patients when they're being discharged. However, this girl working as a student nurse found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase as his feet -- who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "I think she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," replied the first man, "that's the one." He then turned toward the kitchen and called out, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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My favorite word today is wrinkles. N., frozen laughter. Def.: Nostalgic reminiscenses of a million smiles.

Bush Takes It in the Shorts Again

You know what this is, right? Of course you do. (It's an assaulted peanut.)

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I ran across this thing that almost made me weep. It's one of those things that make you go: "Wouldn't it be neat if this were true?" Go see this. You'll get a warm spot in your heart.

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SEINFELD:

"On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused; they faxed; they e-mailed; they e-mailed with attachments; they downloaded; they did spreadsheets; they wrote reports; they created labels and cards; they created charts and graphs; they did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell. But then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's GONE! I lost everything when the power went out." Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files for the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

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My favorite word today is fox. N., now up to size 16. Def.: The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for whom your wife has an irrational jealousy.

Holy Goodness! Somebody Shrunk Us

Here's somebody's version of how to put us in our place:







So what it amounts to is this: I appear to be at the top of my local food chain, but pretty small potatoes in the big scheme of things.

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A very elderly gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asks kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

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My favorite phrase today is doubling your money. V., a tip from the investment banker. Def.: Fold your bill over once and stick it in your pocket.

Golf Is a Four-Letter Word

I just noticed: My post Thursday was my 666th. Who knows what evil lurks...

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As I love to educate you, today I am offering some thoughts on "The Greatest Love Stories of All Time." Strangely, my bodice ripper entitled Long Gone With the Wind and the Rain did not make the Top 10. I will have to check, but I am pretty sure it is in there at No. 11.

The "Greatest Love Story" is -- ta da! -- Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte. I don't know what this is. Probably something about a man and a woman. Or maybe two women?

No. 2 was Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, and No. 3 (finally!) was Romeo and Juliet by Willie the Shake.

(Another strange fact: King Kong did not crack the Top 10. Wasn't even 11th, obviously.)

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of relaxation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today."

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it."

"Well, we were on the fifth tee....and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540-yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the drive of my life -- I just creamed it. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted -- and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards from the tee."

"Oh, my," commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball, and runs down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws."

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother, with a knowing smile.

"No, that wasn't it, either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare, and said...

"You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

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My favorite phrase today is big toe. N., what is easiest to stub. Def.: In a shoe store, what pops out of your sock to see what's going on.

Hot Dang! The Camera Works Again

See them elk? This is a product of my camera, which has declined to let me post pictures to my computer for more than two months. I got a expert over here and he figgered it out, and so now I can show you a thing or two.

These elk were bedded down in the City of Cannon Beach, on the northern Oregon Coast. They showed no alarm when several of us non-elk dropped by to picture-make. This was in February. They might still be there.

Now then, see these? One of them is my Scamp, and one of them is a tree. (Go ahead, make a guess as to which is which.)

This scenery is on the Smith River Cutoff, from the California Coast eastward into Southern Oregon. (Hint: Scamp is the one who is cold.) The tree is one of the smaller redwoods in N. California.

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A cop is patrolling the local lovers' lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. Then he notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled, he walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the woman in the back seat, he says, "And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs. "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in the night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening.

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop then asks, "And her....what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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My favorite word today is average. N., median, mode, etc. Def.: What every person denies being.

You Can Thank Me Sooner

"Round and round the vinegar jug, pop! goes the weasel...."

Okay, explain this, please. What does it mean "pop! goes the weasel"?

I'll wait here.... (Sits, drumming his imaginary drum, hums a tune, waits...and waits...)

I'll tell you tomorrow. Meanwhile, back to.......Huh? Can't wait? Okay.

This isn't even funny. What it means is a very useful household good (the weasel) has been pawned (popped) to get money for Saturday night's drunkfest. "The weasel" is an iron. Your children don't know this, so next time they tell you they know everything, you can pop their weasel.

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Q.: What should you do if you see a spaceman?

A.: Park your car in it, man.

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In Daytona, Fla., the home of the city's police chief was burglarized while he was at a community meeting, giving a speech about home-burglary prevention.

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A company looking to hire someone for an important position narrowed the dozens of applicants down to three. They decided to give them all one last question, and to hire the one with the best answer.

The question: A man and woman are lying in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

The first two gave up. The third said, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names: It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

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My favorite phrase today is pro bono publico. Adj., Marc
Antony is mulling this one over. Def.: When a flasher shows his bone in public.

This Cloud's for You

A lot of women read this piece, and some of them (you) confess to having man problems. Couple of you come right out and say you lookin' for a good man. Listen, think of this: If you want to enter a relationship that's bound to turn sour and is almost impossible to get out of, look into a time share.

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Here are two titles for new Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream:

"Britney Spears' Shaved Coconut"

"Dick Cheney's Go Fudge Yourself"

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fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too:

I cdnulo't blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Pniotnig to the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rsceearh at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are; the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteers be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

(Did you know that olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can raed taht?)

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My favorite word today is indefeatabobble. Adj., but it might be a conjunction or commotion. Def.: This is a word I am selling to George W. Bush.

Oh, for Some Bathtub Gin

Here's something designed to drive you nuts -- the US Air Force test. The Air Force uses this to test fighter pilots, and expects them to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a whirl. It can take as little as .135 second or go on for a long time, it's that addictive. (In 10 tries, my best was 11.6 seconds, but most were around 5 seconds.)

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The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" -- Jack Handy

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.)

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.)

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.)

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." --Dave Barry

(The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.)

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm:

"Well, you see, Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

(Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.)

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My favorite word today is rectitude. N., rectum, hell, it killed the bastard. Def.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Happy Easter, or How to Trick 'Em Obey

Back in the 1960s, a friend who worked with me went to Portland to try out for the position of copy editor at The Oregonian. He was told just to observe and not to mark up any copy.

This was near Easter, and he kept seeing the phrase "Easter Sunday" go by, uncorrected. Finally, he looked around and slyly amended one piece of copy to make it read Easter Sunday. As he told me later, "Easter is ALWAYS on Sunday. I couldn't stand it."

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Here are some Easter cookies I been hoarding:








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My favorite word today is abdicate. Adj. V., reminds me of Idi Amin. Def.: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Is That Dark Chocolate? Could It Be That....

This so boggles the mind....This is what is called "The Chocolate Jesus," a full-size depiction of an anatomically correct (balls and all) Big Ernie that was supposed to be on display this week in NY. This is 200 lbs of chocolate which mostly has gone to waste. I mean, how can you make a chocolate Haysus with ears that can hardly be nibbled? And another thing: How does anyone know this is supposed to look like Big Ernie? Is there somebody around today who was living with him back then to affirm this? Hell, maybe he was blonde.

Anyway, some Catholics threatened to torch the hotel where the show was supposed to be, so the whole thing has been cancelled. The artist who made this said people were jumping to conclusions. This from a guy whose previous efforts included spraying five tons of pepperjack cheese on a Wyoming home, and festooning another place with processed ham.

Now then, this guy is Obama all gussied up to look like Big Ernie. The artist of this piece says he is trying to point out that, while Barack is fresh with new ideas, he ain't exactly the Messiah. Obama, like me, says he's mystified.

Some people are trying to buy these things. And no wonder: Rumor has it that a vision of the Virgin Mary appears on the chocolate Jesus's left hambone.

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This happened a while back, and it is just getting out. It seems that when Rumsfeld was briefing President Dubya one morning, he allowed that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color ran from Bushie's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rummy, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch and then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He says, "I'm going to the doctor. I'm gonna get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately his wife arises from her rocker and begins putting on her coat. He says, "Where the hell you going?"

She responds: "I'm going to the doctor too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

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My favorite word today is flabbergasted. Adj., suck it up or suck it out. Def.: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

When You and I Were Sick, Maggie

My friend The Amateur Doctor said I should drink Aquavit and Vodka, and eat herring in sour cream. He said this will fix up my body just fine.

Recovering my aplomb and my tummy, I said the doctor has ruled out booze and I cannot stand herring in anything. He said, "So go ahead and die; see if I care." I should, just to piss him off.

Anyway, my regular doctor says I maybe do/don't have an infection and I should keep taking pills and I should stay off the booze. I probably do not have diverticulitis, so she wants me to see a gastroenterologist, who can do a GI Joe on me. So since I'm thinking about taking an airplane ride, it is just as well that they have given up offering free drinks.

Summing up, I am no longer very sick in body but still sick in the head.

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Here's a pre-nuptial agreement, senior style:

An elderly couple in their 80s were about to get married.

She: "I want to keep my house."
He: "That's fine with me."
She: "And I want to keep my Cadillac."
He: "That's fine with me."
She: "And I want to have sex six times a week."
He: "That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays."

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And some nominees for "Oddest Book Title of the Year":

"How Green Were the Nazis."

"The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification."

"Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence."

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So this New Englander is flying west and he strikes up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You must be a cowboy," he says. "I see your finely polished boots, your string tie, your Levis with a sharp crease, and pearl buttons on your shirt. I'm just wonderin' where your hat is."

Seatmate: "I put my hat in the overhead, but danged if you ain't right. And in return, let me guess that you're a Harvard graduate."

New England: "That's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Seatmate: "I noticed your ring when you picked your nose."

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My favorite word today is aplomb. N., something carpenters use: aplomb bob. Def.: A stage in which a Brooks plum transmorgrifies into a prune.

Hoo Boy! I Almost Let Rabbit Day Go By

Well, hallelujah! I am not well, but I am better, and I have to get my rabbit on here before it's April 2. Otherwise I will have bad luck all this month and nobody wants that.

So, Rabbit! Rabbit! Now I get good luck. Hooray for me.

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My favorite word today is willy-nilly. Adj., or willy won't he? Def.: Impotent.