Things That Go Bump

This here pitcher was sent to me by Georgie Dubya, askin' whether I thot this might be a good catchem for Mexicans. I said I thot a burrito work better, esp. if it filled with chicken. Mexicans don't get a lot of chicken. Mosley beans. But I spose imgrants purty hongry, so fill 'em burrito with beans prolly work right smart.

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Over at Peter's Place you will find a cure for this. "This," of course, is the national disease known as Buttcrack, which I am personally campaigning against.

See, Peter has found a company that is making whiz-bang shorts for men that can't possibly be used to show Buttcrack, which is a relief to my mind. You trot right over there and see.

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Hey, Peter, you ever see this one? Ho ho har de har har. I got a million.

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A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret for a long happy life."

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."

"My goodness," says she. "So how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he says.

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My favorite word today is download. N., keep your computer hummin'. Def.: What you do in the bathroom.

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Peckers

George W. Bush walked into a curio shop in Galveston. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner of the shop and asked its price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat," he said. "But $100 if you bring it back."

George ponied up the $12, knowing he was not going to bring it back.

As he walked down the street carrying his new rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of sewers and alleys and joined him. This was disconcerting, so he walked faster. Within a couple of blocks the group of rats behind him had grown to the hundreds.

Dubya trotted faster towards the Harbor. He looked behind him and saw that the rats now numbered in the hundreds of thousands. And all were coming after him, squealing. Terrified, he ran to the end of the Harbor and threw the rat into the sea.

Amazingly, the rats jumped into the water after it, and all were drowned. George then walked back to the curio shop and confronted the owner, who said: "Aha! You're bringing it back!"

"Actually, no," said Dubya. "What I came back for was to see how much you wanted for that little bronze Mexican statue over there."

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A sign in Germany's Black Forest:

"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

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My favorite word today is tact. N., I am so clever. Def.: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. --Abraham Lincoln.

And a Tip of the Hat to My New Sister

I have recently acquired a sister, Tan Lucy Pez. This came about because I declared Brother's and Sister's Day and she didn't have any. She had three sisters, but all have passed on, which causes scientists to say "so sad." Go visit Lucy. She's a pistol.

So, anyway, Lucy and I have paired up. She doesn't look anything like me, but we both are real pretty. And now I am uncle to three gorgeous daughters of Lucy. Hot damn.

Sister Lucy has sent me a tome-like thing that I will now share with you. It is a list of 1960's artists with new titles to their hits so as to accommodate aging people like me:

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash
Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

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My favorite word today is hangover. N., pounding, pounding. Def.: The wrath of grapes.

Christ, the Infiltrator

It is helpful to be old. Then you can look way back and rip off a buddy of yours for a story about all the kooks running for President in 1976:

--Ernest Wayne Whitford of California, who advocated a national health program to end constipation, which he called "the number one cause of illness in America."

--Ira R. Waggoner of Illinois, whose platform was to tow icebergs to California, melt them and use the water to irrigate American deserts.

--Don DuMont of Chicago, who plans to "infiltrate" Christ into government and who began his presidential campaign by diving into a swimming pool "to symbolize diving into the presidential swim."

--Robert L. Kelleher of Billings, Montana, who forecast the coming end of the world by running as the candidate of "The Committee to Elect the Last President."

--The Rev. James Allen Burner of West Virginia, who listed as one of his qualifications for President a 1965 appearance on "Candid Camera."

--Paul T. Lanyhow, home unknown, who ran under an assumed name "because my real name wouldn't mean anything to anyone." Among his planks was to restore patriotism by requiring everybody to get a Marine haircut, including women.

--Robert J. Roosevelt, from "somewhere back East," whose campaign slogan, naturally, was "Elect Roosevelt in 1976." He said he was a relative of TR, FDR, William McKinley and U.S. Grant, and he urged supporters to "contribute generously at once, because threats and terrorism have made it necessary for me to cancel my fund-raising dinners.

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My favorite word today is strength. N., he-man, he-woman. Def. The ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces and then eat just one of the pieces. (--Judith Viorst)

Short Shrift Saturday #26

So this dude goes to a working cattle ranch, and he is going to be "macho man." He goes for a walk with a genuine cowboy to see the sights. And remarks, "Hey, there's a big bunch of cows."

"Herd of cows," says the cowboy.

"Heard what?" says the dude.

"Herd of cows," responds the cowboy.

"Sure I've heard of cows," says Macho Man. "There's a big bunch of them right over there."

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My favorite words today are Taco Bell. N., wait for it. Def.: A Mexican telephone company.

Let Doctor Hoss Be Your Guide

Dear Doctor Hoss:

I met this man at a singles bar and he seemed really nice. So now we live together. Only now he says he misses his girlfriend, and so he wonders if she can move in too. What should I do? --Thinking in South Dakota.

Dear Thinking: Send me nude pictures of both you and the girlfriend. There may be a chance for both of you at my house. Please remit $30.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

I've always enjoyed the circus, so I went the other day. Well, what with one thing and another, the owner offered to hire me to ride the elephant in their parades. I would love to do it, but elephants give me hives. Should I offer to ride something else? --Nervous in North Dakota.

Dear Nervous: No, ride the elephant. Also, send me $19.95 for my hives remover salve.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

Sometimes people don't even seem to know or care if I am alive. I was standing in line at the movies and two people walked on my feet and didn't even excuse themselves. That very same day my best friend snubbed me and my child's teacher sent a note home TO HER FATHER. What do I do to let people know I am alive? --Ignored in Ypsilanti.

Dear Ignored: Don't pay any bills. But since I know you're alive, send me $48.50.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

There is this gentleman I know in an "old folks' home" who is supremely dirty. I don't think he has bathed for a month, yet he insists on hugging everybody he can get close to. Is there anything I can do? --Questions in Salem.

Dear Questions: Free advice: Stay away from me.

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My favorite word today is quarterback. N., no, you'll have to guess again. Def.: A miniscule refund from Dell.

Back When You and I Were Young

Don't this just make you hungry?

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Highway supervisors in Los Angeles are going with technology to solve the traffic problems. They are going to put sensors in the streets, and sensors in the cars. Then you just get in your car, say where you want to go, and -- bam! -- you're there, no problems. Sort of like a bus.

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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on Charlie taxiway! Your turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but try to get it right."

Continuing her rage, she shouted hysterically: "God, you have screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect specific instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

The ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

And then an unknown pilot broke the silence, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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My favorite word today is victim. N., poor baby. Def.: A person to whom shit happens.

I Declare This to Be 'Brother's Day'

Or, it could be "Sister's Day." Just as long as it's one or the other, or better yet, both.

See, I don't have (any more) a mother or father, so that leaves me with nobody to say nice things about. You people with mothers and fathers get to say all kinds of nice things ("taught me everything I know"; "taught me stuff I didn't want to know", etc.). Now then, if we had a Brother's and Sister's Day, most of the rest of us could roll out our platitudes.

My brother, Richard Lee Maudlin (aka Dick Maudlin), is entirely worthy of praise. For one thing, he used to write on our little church envelopes his name: "Dick the P." I giggled every time he did it.

Another time, some neighborhood acquaintance wanted Dick and me (ages 7 and 6) to take down a neighborhood bully and make him say uncle. So we squared off. The bully had me in a bad way, but brother Dick was on his back, pulling his hair. So he "uncled," and we each got 5 cents for a fudgesicle. (Big money in 1936.)

When we were about 11 and 10 and visiting our Grandfather down in New Pine Creek, we went fishing in Lily Lake. I caught a fat 12-inch rainbow but couldn't seem to haul it in. My brother stepped in the water, grabbed the fish and took it up above an old downed Ponderosa pine. You got a brother who will walk in the water for you?

In high school there was a thing called the Grahlman Award. It was given to the senior who was judged best in his class in football, basketball and track. No student had ever won in two different sports; my brother was judged best in ALL THREE. You got a brother who walks on water?

Except for mostly some broken attempts at a higher education in Eugene and Salem, my brother went back to Bend and lived there the rest of his life. He retired, then decided to run for County Commissioner. He had never run for much of anything. But it was almost no contest, two elections in a row. I think he cures people, too.

Now Dick has some form of cancer. He's in the second round of chemotherapy. Naturally, he's winning. He always won.

Happy Brother's Day, Dick.

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My favorite word today is solutions. N., liquidity. Def.: The reason there are problems.

There's Always a Solution

Holy hot streak! The temperature here yesterday was 95 degrees -- seven degrees higher than the previous record for the day.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know. I've never seen such ineptitude."

Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's ask him.....Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're really slow."

George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime."

Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I am going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them."

Engineer: "Can't these guys play at night?"

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The French will eat almost anything. So a young cook decided to raise rabbits and sell them to the finer restaurants in Paris. He looked and looked for a site to raise the rabbits but was not successful until an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory.

So he raised a bunch of rabbits and started in selling them. One day a restaurant owner asked where he got such fresh rabbits.

"I raise them myself, near the cathedral," the man replied. "I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

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My favorite word today is diets. N., I am SO losing this. Def.: You go on multiples because one isn't enough food.

Zippity Do-Dah

Gack! I just discovered it is going to be eighty-eight (88) degrees here today. Shoo fly pie and apple pan dowdy.

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I have tried and tried to stamp out the word b**g; you know that. I have tried and tried to stamp out butt-crack; you also know that. I also have tried and tried to stamp out the use of the word f**k; you know that very well.

None of this has worked; therefore, I am going to Make My Pile and move to Wales, where they have a different stupid language so you never know what the hell is going on but at least it won't be b**g, butt-crack or f**k. Here is how I am going to Make My Pile:

Treachery.

If that doesn't work, I will try

Guile.

Or,

Deceit.

The way this is going to work is that I will get my buddy Bill Gates involved. This is going to be like taking candy from a baby. You know Gates doesn't have any smarts or he would have bought Google a long time ago. I think I will tell him to just give me the money so I don't have to cheat him out of it. I would hate to make him look like a sap.

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I know it is WAY past Easter, but I just now found out a way to bring you this Easter Egg Roll. So now am I forgiven?

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My favorite word today is head. N., not the Navy kind. Def.: A funnel to the stomach.

Short Shrift Saturday #25

A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He got toward the end of the second street and saw a man out gardening. He asked, "Who's the boss around here?"

The man replied, "I am."

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said. "Which would you prefer?"

The man thought for a minute, and said, "The black one."

The man's wife interrupted. "No, no, get the brown one."

"Here's your chicken," said the farmer.

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My favorite word today is monia. N., takes strong medicine. Def.: It starts out pneu but it gets old.

California Now and Then, or Then and Now

Janie sent this along to Feelgood Haines:

Way back in 1850, California became a state. It had no electricity. It had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets.

Pretty much like it is now, except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

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Do these glasses make my nose look fat?

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Good ol' Peskie told me this:

A woman is walking down the street and she sees an Indian wearing a necklace made of alligator teeth.

She says, "That's nice. I imagine those mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"No," he says. "Anyone can open an oyster."

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Here's a great line from my pal Ivy:

"Normally I ride the bus to work. Mostly because I tend to nap on the way downtown, whether DART drives or I do."

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My favorite word today is ummm. Adj., what is it? Def.: To pretend interest in some object brought over by a 3-year-old.

Who Has More Fun Than Beetles?

While I was gallivanting about the country I was not idle. As usual, I was on the lookout for dung beetle stories and, as usual, I was rewarded: "SCIENTISTS STUDY DUNG BEETLE POPULATIONS" The main conclusion: "The dung beetle food situation stinks." Ho ho har de har har.

"Food for dung beetles in the Elephant Park of Southern Mozambique lacks diversity," the study says. I don't get this. Shit is shit Dung is dung, isn't it? They need it chocolate covered? With raisins? (Hee. I said raisins. Hoss 1.)

Later on, this is explained: "Some (beetles) prefer dry over wet dung, different fiber content, or different sizes of droppings." (No word on chocolate.) So when a dry dung beetle can only get wet dung, scientists would say this is "too bad."

This needs to be corrected, for these scientists tell us that "transporting dung down into the soil does all sorts of good things." Don't that just button up the petunias?

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The maharajah of an Indian state ordered that no wild animals were to be killed under any circumstances. Pretty soon there were so many Bengal Tigers roaming around killing humans that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. It is the first known instance of a reign being called on account of game.

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My favorite word today is alphabet.* N., wait for it. Def.: The main gorilla gets odds of 6 to 5.

(*O.K., Bonnie; did you get this one?)

I've Been Everywhere, Man

So I am playing with myself in the Dallas Airport and up walks this vision of loveliness name of Karla, and she gives me a hug. Karla has a wonderful b**g (go read it) with which she never has any trouble because her husband is a computer whiz. After one thing and another (husband will NEVER know this part), Karla hands me a gift: A Spam snow machine! Hah! You don't have one, and I do. Hoss 1, You 0. (Karla also has a beautiful physique, but her husband will never hear it from me.)

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There is Texarkana, TX, and Texarkana, AR, and here I am (with assorted minions) standing in both. The children are Lucas and Carli, belonging to Tisha and Walt Sharp. Tisha also is beautiful, you see. I attract beautiful people because I am so pretty.

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In Michi-
gan, Vicki also gave me a gift: Her lucky mar-
ble. This mar-
ble is VERY lucky, for I have flown Portland-Las Vegas-Detroit-Atlanta-Memphis-Atlanta-Dallas-Texarkana, TX-Dallas-Denver-Portland, got wheelchairs everywhere and am home. I am SO lucky.

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Here's a story Tisha's mother-in-law, Carmen, told me:

Years ago Carmen was a member of a group that had done something (I forget what) so noteworthy it came to the attention of Governor Bill Clinton, down there in Arkansas. So a bunch of women gathered to be feted by Gov. Bill. He puts his arms around a couple of them for a photo opportunity, including Carmen -- and grabs her by the butt!

She whispers, "Bill, my child is here!" So he lets go.

In the evening, Gov. Bill is supposed to dine with these ladies. He walks into the restaurant, spies a "drop-dead gorgeous" woman, gives her a deep kiss and walks out the door with her.

"And that," Carmen says, "is how we almost met Gennifer Flowers."

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My favorite word today is Bible. N., keep one in the bathroom. Def.: The only contract that doesn't have loopholes.

Tennessee to Texarkana: Alliteration Rules

So Poopie took me to her company picnic. The rule was one free drink per person. Please note that Poopie has been there before, so we were well-supplied with cups. That is me on the left. The pretty one.

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I spent two days in Tennessee with Poopie. Part of one day we spent stuck in the mud when she was trying to show me the local river, named Forked Deer. (Poopie said "forked." Hee. Hoss 1, Poopie 0.) So we got out of the mud and went back to her house where she whipped up pork tenderloin. Did you ever go someplace and not want to go home?

Poopie (who is Janie) introduced me to her parents, Janet and Billie. He's as old as I am (75 220/365ths), and HE'S STILL WORKING. Gack.

This is me on Poopie's Pecan Lane. She collects about 100 lbs. of pecans from along the road, bakes them 8 cups at a time, then sends them all to me. (Poopie: Maybe this is wrong. Let me know.)

Then I got on the airplane and went to meet Tisha Sharp, her husband, Walt, and her kids, Lucas and Carli, in Texarkana, which is in Strange, TX. All of the Sharps are really actually sharp. The city is in conflict with itself, inasmuch as there is a Texarkana, TX, and a Texarkana, AR. All the churches are in Texas; all the liquor stores are in Arkansas. So, I got an Arkansas sweatshirt.

Tisha lets me kiss her all I want. Only I don't want much because her husband is 6'7" of kindness except unless you kiss his wife a lot. This is, then, a good place to visit when you don't have a prostate.

You can hear a lot by listening. For instance, Tish tells me that in McCurtain County, Oklahoma, a good way to kill somebody by suicide is to shoot them in the back.

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My favorite phrase today is liberty or death. N., not much to choose. Def.: An early visionary's version of "better dead than Red."

Moving Right Along

This will be hard to believe. No, wait, this will be easy to believe.

I guess the problem is that it depends upon where you live. If you are a northerner, like me, you never heard of this. If you are a southerner in Dyersburg, Tenn., like my host Janie, what could be more natural than that your brother is named "Bubba"? No shit shit, her brother is David "Bubba" Stafford. She had to think for a minute about what his first name is, because to everybody he is "Bubba."

I found this hard to believe. She thought it was as natural as sin. So it goes.

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Janie is fixing up this 85-year-old ranch house where she lives. The dining room is done, and it is spectacular. The living room awaits; it is not yet spectacular. But she is determined. All she needs now is to give up petting her dogs (Faith and Butter Bean -- pictured, smiling (!), at left) and three cats (whose names escape me) to get enough time. (Umm...good luck, Janie....)

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Did you know that here, in the South, there is such a thing as NASCAR? The Memphis newspaper refuses to give it more than a page and a half of play -- each day.

Here are the NASCAR rules: If there is a fight in the pits, that gives you a two-week suspension. If there is a fight on the raceway, that gives you a one-week suspension. Why the difference?

The fans can see the fight on the raceway.

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My favorite word today is nexus. N., oh, I get it. The guy in the next chair over from both us.

You'll Never Know Just How Much....

I am flying so much, I get a little nervous about some of the shenanigans going on in the air. For instance, here's a picture I took as we were going in for a landing in Detroit. I don't know what happened. Maybe the other guy blinked.

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So, this man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on vacation to Israel. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.

The funeral director says, "We can ship the body home for $5,000, or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for just $150. What would you like to do?"

The man thinks, and finally says, "Let's ship her home."

The funeral director protests. "Why would you want to do that, when you can have her buried here for only $150?"

"Well, see," the man says, "you had a guy who got buried here, and then rose from the dead after three days. I just can't take that chance."

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My favorite word today is sincerity. Adj., an attribute. Def.: What to try when all else fails.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch

Whilst in Vegas, my pal Vicki took this picture of buddies from far places. Seated are Tom, left, of Born Fool (Kentucky), and Ol' Hoss (Oregon). From left, standing, are Paul, his babe Mandy of Word Whiz (Connecticut), Kira of WhizWyrd and her fiance, Alex the good ol' Frenchman (South Carolina). All of these (plus Vicki - Michigan) were the Good People in Las Vegas. Everybody else was, as scientists would say, No Good.

So, what you missed was "O", the Cirque de Soleil. I have never seen anything like it, nor have you. Except now I've seen it, and you haven't: Hoss 1, You 0. Here's just one scene:

There is a large pool of water, maybe 60x100 feet. This water can be replaced, from underneath, by a solid floor, or just segments of a floor. At the end we see this fellow playing piano, with a dame reclining thereon. As the show ends, the man is playing the piano as it sinks into the water -- and he keeps playing even while completely immersed. MAGIC!! So now I have seen it, and you haven't: Hoss 2, You 0.

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Here's a conversation between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 747 (with call sign of Speed 206), as provided by my buddy Debi:

Speed 206: "Frankfurt, clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speed 206, taxi to Alpha Gate One-Seven."

Speed 206 taxis onto the main taxiway, then comes to a stop.

Ground: "Speed 206, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed 206: "Stand by, Ground, I am looking up our gate location right now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speed 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speed 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944. But I didn't land."

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My favorite word today is leavened. N., no salt, please. Def.: In my church, what must be un.

A Friend in Need Is Befriended

Last night I broke down and wept. Because of my lung disease I am inordinately short of breath, and can barely get around. Almost everything has to be done for me. So I cried and told Vicki, with whom I am staying in Michigan, that I shouldn't have come.

She said, "Don't feel that way. You can stay here forever."

I sincerely hope you have a friend like that.

Making People Famous

I don't know if it's fair dinkum to pat the hand that feeds you, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's the first of the month -- time for my Perfect Post to be awarded to Lucinda of Suburban Turmoil. Lucinda is one of the sponsors of the Perfect Post, and she is perfection indeed in this post where baby outwits the parents.

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Many, many years ago an aquaintance of mine started on the road toward being famous. His name was Bud Clark, a Northwest Portland tavern owner and liberal activist.

One fine day a friend of his went with him to downtown Portland where they made this picture -- "Expose Yourself to Art." The rest is history. Bud later went on to be mayor of Portland.

He once made a foray into Salem, where he presented me with a signed copy of this outstanding print. I have moved four times since then, and it is lost to history. Scientists say this "too bad."

The whole story behind this print, which is known throughout the country, can be found at Errol Graphics.

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Rudyard Kipling once wrote a story about war in India, which he entitled "Gunga Din." Not too many people have read the sequel about his sister, "Gunga Ho."

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My favorite phrase today is no, not really. N., I can't be that good. Def.: A remark reserved for use by someone who has been flattered beyond civility.