Christ, the Infiltrator

It is helpful to be old. Then you can look way back and rip off a buddy of yours for a story about all the kooks running for President in 1976:

--Ernest Wayne Whitford of California, who advocated a national health program to end constipation, which he called "the number one cause of illness in America."

--Ira R. Waggoner of Illinois, whose platform was to tow icebergs to California, melt them and use the water to irrigate American deserts.

--Don DuMont of Chicago, who plans to "infiltrate" Christ into government and who began his presidential campaign by diving into a swimming pool "to symbolize diving into the presidential swim."

--Robert L. Kelleher of Billings, Montana, who forecast the coming end of the world by running as the candidate of "The Committee to Elect the Last President."

--The Rev. James Allen Burner of West Virginia, who listed as one of his qualifications for President a 1965 appearance on "Candid Camera."

--Paul T. Lanyhow, home unknown, who ran under an assumed name "because my real name wouldn't mean anything to anyone." Among his planks was to restore patriotism by requiring everybody to get a Marine haircut, including women.

--Robert J. Roosevelt, from "somewhere back East," whose campaign slogan, naturally, was "Elect Roosevelt in 1976." He said he was a relative of TR, FDR, William McKinley and U.S. Grant, and he urged supporters to "contribute generously at once, because threats and terrorism have made it necessary for me to cancel my fund-raising dinners.

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My favorite word today is strength. N., he-man, he-woman. Def. The ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces and then eat just one of the pieces. (--Judith Viorst)