Let Doctor Hoss Be Your Guide

Dear Doctor Hoss:

I met this man at a singles bar and he seemed really nice. So now we live together. Only now he says he misses his girlfriend, and so he wonders if she can move in too. What should I do? --Thinking in South Dakota.

Dear Thinking: Send me nude pictures of both you and the girlfriend. There may be a chance for both of you at my house. Please remit $30.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

I've always enjoyed the circus, so I went the other day. Well, what with one thing and another, the owner offered to hire me to ride the elephant in their parades. I would love to do it, but elephants give me hives. Should I offer to ride something else? --Nervous in North Dakota.

Dear Nervous: No, ride the elephant. Also, send me $19.95 for my hives remover salve.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

Sometimes people don't even seem to know or care if I am alive. I was standing in line at the movies and two people walked on my feet and didn't even excuse themselves. That very same day my best friend snubbed me and my child's teacher sent a note home TO HER FATHER. What do I do to let people know I am alive? --Ignored in Ypsilanti.

Dear Ignored: Don't pay any bills. But since I know you're alive, send me $48.50.

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Dear Doctor Hoss:

There is this gentleman I know in an "old folks' home" who is supremely dirty. I don't think he has bathed for a month, yet he insists on hugging everybody he can get close to. Is there anything I can do? --Questions in Salem.

Dear Questions: Free advice: Stay away from me.

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My favorite word today is quarterback. N., no, you'll have to guess again. Def.: A miniscule refund from Dell.