The Restaurant Review

Way back before I got lodged in The Old Folks' Home, I was a child (you weren't, but I was). And one of my pasttimes was collecting returnable beer bottles from the roadsides over in Bend, Oregon. Stubbies were worth 1 cent, quarts 2 cents, and half-gallons got you a nickel. If the roadsides were barren, my pals and I could steal some bottles off the back porch of Emil Studenfuhrer's place. Or we could lift some from the loading dock at the Palace Tavern and sell them next door at the Waldorf Tavern. (Don't worry, I will be here tomorrow; the statute of limitations has run.)

The purpose of all this was to amass 60 cents (a Tidy Sum in the 1930's) to be able to buy 3 hamburgers and a chocolate milkshake at the Palace. There was no tipping; nobody had ever heard of giving somebody something for being nice (except to the hoboes [see Woody Guthrie] who would chop some wood in exchange for a hot meal).

All this talk about food and tips is by way of explaining that I have been internetting some of the weblogs called "waiter rants," in which real waiters bitch about cheap and/or obnoxious customers. Apparently the waiters and maitre d's maintain Rolodexes of good and bad customers so they know whom to treat right ("Preferred Customer"), and whom to treat wrong ("Shit List"). I can't remember much of it, but I think some of the stories went like this:

THE CUSTOMER: Known bad tipper.
THE SERVICE: Customer orders Oysters Rockefeller. Waiter beats off in kitchen, splatters all oysters with jizz. Customer eats with gusto, compliments the chef. But zero percent tip.
THE UPSHOT: Customer returns in 8 months, says he's pregnant, wants the waiter to make "an honest man" out of him. Says he can support waiter in grand style with all the money he has saved from not tipping. Stays on Shit List.

THE CUSTOMER: Constant complainer.
THE SERVICE: Customer orders eggs and Jimmy Dean sausage. Waiter craps on plate, makes crap look like sausage. Customer bitches mightily when he can't get seconds. Leaves no tip.
THE UPSHOT: Stays on Shit List.

THE CUSTOMER: Known bad tipper No. 2.
THE SERVICE: Enters with his girl friend, demands window seat, gets stuck in broom closet. Closet is dark and cozy, so girl friend gives customer blow job. Customer leaves big tip, goes on Preferred Customer list. Customer returns next night with his wife. Demands and gets broom closet. No b.j. Leaves no tip.
THE UPSHOT: Back on Shit List.

Well, though I have escaped a petty larceny charge of bottle theft, I see I am a candidate for the looney bin. Pray for me. Sometimes the Big Guy comes through.