A Bandwagon for Maxine

My friend Judy has enlisted me into the ranks of "Maxine for President." I agreed to join up because Maxine obviously cares about old people like me who live in Old People's Homes. For instance, one of her many mottoes is: "If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance."

I think the reason Maxine is in the race is because she knows there are so many of us ABHers out there -- the Anybody But Hillary clan. So maybe you want to join in the fun. Here, according to an email sent to me by Judy, is Maxine's stance on the issues of the day:

1. Driver Safety. "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Life: "Life is like an oven. It burns my ass."

3. Housework: "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. The Perfect Man: "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

5. Work: "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

6. Technology. "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the ass twice."

7. Aging: "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large Margarita."

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As long as I'm stealing, the S.P.E.C.E. (Society for the Preservation of English and Correct Speech is at www.specs.org.uk. It's a new site, started this month. It's a fun-in-cheeky place where language is more important than anything, even rabies and sexually transmitted disease. For instance:

"Society member Alice Sedgewick-Browne alerts us to the tendency of Welsh BBC newsreader Huw (sic) Edwards to split infinitives....we shall be monitoring the speech of Mr. Edwards very closely indeed."

And S.P.E.C.E. was forced to announce the departure of the Society's financial manager, who served well but "made the decision to step down after a series of public grammatical errors."

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Maxine says:

"When the neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked. Shuts 'em down pretty quick."