Degenerate Dominoes

The Activities Director here at The Home for Aged People and Cheddar likes to keep us busy with one thing and another -- movies, popcorn feeds, big poop contests, Skip-Bo and the like. This morning, the A.D. set up four of our finest ladies -- Carolina Sister, Maude Frickert, Nelly Nervous and Clementine Dourpuss -- with a dominoes game. This proved to be A Major Mistake.

In case you don't know, to score in dominoes the ends of the various legs that are made during the course of play have to end in 0 or 5. Say there are four legs with the outside numbers being 6, 4, 3 and 2. Added up, it's 15, so the person who played the last domino gets 15 points.

Clementine does not grasp the scoring concept. She wants points no matter what the total is. "There, that's 14; give me 14 points." "Look, 4, 6, 3, 3; give me 16." Carolina Sister says, "For the last time, Clemmie, that's not how we score."

Clementine goes ballistic. She starts throwing dominoes ever' which way. One of them leaves the room and lands in front of the cue ball where Paul Certain is playing pool. Paul misses a shot, and is steamed. He throws the six-ball at Clementine, but it hits Nellie right in the forehead. Services are pending.

Meanwhile, Addie Loosdrawer and Maggie Hophed are coming round the corner toward the Activity Room. In the confusion they start pummeling Maude Frickert, who reportedly used the last of the soap in the laundry room. Clementine throws more dominoes. Paul heaves the 1, 8, 9 and 15 balls, which land in the weeds outside and won't be found until fall. Merle Hertz arrives and sucker punches Paul.

(It was Paul, you see, who tried to steal Merle's place in the dining room. Asked later why he was still harboring a grudge, Merle said: "I was harboring a grudge.")

Carolina Sister pulls out her Uzi and shoots everybody. It would have been pretty bad, I guess, except Carolina's son had converted the Uzi to a water pistol. Even so, a lot of people got wet.

This was not a normal day in The Old Folks Home. Not abnormal, either. Just...uh...a little different than usual. Not much. Just a little.

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More of the 100 things about the man you love (Ol' Hoss hisself):

14. When I was 12 I got a job with a lumber mill in Bend, Oregon, as a fire suppressor. That was the fancy title for weed hoer. There were eight of us kids who hoed the weeds between the stacks of lumber that were put out to dry. We were paid 25 cents an hour. One day I announced, "When I grow up, I'm going to try to make $200 a month. I'll be set for life." When I retired, I was in a job that paid almost $5,000 a month, and felt underpaid. This is why I always vote against inflation.

15. Other jobs I have had: Picking cherries, string beans, strawberries and potatoes. Now they got machines that do most of this stuff. This why I always vote against machinery.

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More wisdom from the guru:

Why is it called tourist season when we can't shoot them?