Hoss Gets a Lesson

Now that Pope John Paul has passed away, I guess that leaves me as the only Infallible Person on the planet. So I be sending out a lot of Bless You's today. And Gesundheits, too, for those of you with the sneezies.

If Pope John Paul is going to reincarnate (like Hoss is planning to do), I hope he comes back as a woman. I think he needs more understanding of women and their attitudes toward divorce, abortion and becoming priests. Yes, women should be allowed to be priests, bishops, cardinals, and even Pope.

That be good: Popess Pauline.

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Ah ain gone hitizzle on yr grl fren. Yo momma.

I put that sentence there because I want you to know that Old People in Homes for the Ancient are keeping up with modern linguistics. We wasn't behind the door when the forks were passed out. We are plenty sharp, semantics-wise.

Of course, the problem with that sentence is that, as "newspeak", it's just one more roadblock in the way of Emmygrants from places like Turkey and the Gobble Desert who are trying to learn English. The problem with our language is it has so many idiots. You know what idiots is; that's like when you say "Hit me," you don't mean "Swat me," you mean gimme another card in Blackjack. Maybe it's idioms.

Anyway, for you people who are language-challenged, here's the translation of that sentence above:

Ah ain gone hitizzle on yr grl fren. Yo momma.

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Some time ago I was telling you about the Bulgarian or Hungarian, named Ravil, who taught me a phrase in his language that he said I needed to know while I was working on a road-building crew. Translated, it meant: "Go get me a drink of water." And as the new kid on the block I spent a lot of time getting water for Ravil and his buddies.

At the end of the summer, Ravil said, "Rookie, you did a good job, so I'm going to teach you one more phrase. Here it is: 'Tee eide.' It means 'Go get it yourself.'"

My head puffed up to the size of a Hummer. I was given the Keys to the Kingdom. I could talk back, sass. Hoss rules.

So it was in the fall I went to Willamette University and was inexplicably elected president of the freshman class. If they knowd me they wouldn't a dun it, but nobody knew nobody, so it came to pass.

The class had one meeting, which consisted entirely of me announcing: "We are full students here. We are not second class. We will NOT be wearing these damn beanies a minute later!" Hoss Rules.

I got back to my fraternity house full of piss and vinegar, head the size of a Mack truck. Some upperclassmen jumped me, threw me in a cold shower, tossed in my beanie and said, "You be wearing that when you come out, and it better be dry."

I spent 30 minutes in there, wavin' that beanie and blowin' hot breath on it, and finally escaped to my room.

Freshmen look good in beanies.

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When countries like Bulgaria cease to exist, do the Bulgarians cease to exist, too? Or do they become Irish so's they can be Massachusetts politicians who drink green beer on March 17? If it was me, I think I'd turn into a Mormon. There's lots of good things can be said for polygamy.