How to Be Funny on the Internet

Since I'm really old, I have to get up about three times during the night to go pee. I probably would raid the refrigerator, except I don't have one here in The Old Folks' Home. So what I do is jot down ideas I had while dreaming -- ideas for my column here on the Internet. I just jot down the main theme, which is proving to be not helpful. Here is what I have written down lately in the wee hours:

"ass kicking ass, donkey softball"
"daylight time, 17-jewel, never on Sunday"
"sell the Gadsden Purchase; wetback"
"resrch, secession from Texas"
"mercury in fish; the whole planet?"

I Googled all these, and Google says they're all new items, available for writing about. If I just knew what they mean.

+ + + + + + + +

I got a new buddy, Tommy Taylor, at www.almostaverage.com, who has come up with the easy way to develop an Internet piece:

"1. Think of something funny.
"2. Write it down.
"3. Copy it to (here he uses the B..g word that I don't permit on this site)
"4. Post it.
"5. Read comments from many laughing readers."

The only place you might get hung up is on No. 1. But feel free to ask Tommy. He's loaded with ideas. Sure he is.

+ + + + + + + +

I guy named Om Malik (as best as I can tell) has written an Internet piece describing something you and I got plenty of: Internet Anxiety Disorder. He says he gets up in the morning to a flood of emails, voice mails and unread posts. He can't get through them all, and wonders: WHAT DID I MISS?

I have a Favorites List that I call up every day. There are 61 of you on it. Which means I am missing the other people who write Internet pieces: 8,939,000 of them. I wonder what they got to say?

"My name is Hoss, and I am Internet Anxiety Disordered."

+ + + + + + + +

Something else I found on the Internet (my last theft for the day): "Practice safe lunch. Use condiments."