Remembering Senior Skip Day

Something is going down here in my Home for Dodderers and Fossils. Ten inmates are shut-ins today because something in the air is causing a bad run of diarrhea (bad run of runs?). Later on today I will be taking over/under bets on the number of times Lucy Sidesaddle has to hit the can.

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I was between girl friends when our high school senior skip day arrived. This, of course, is a day when all red-blooded American boys want to get drunk and laid, in either order. So I spied the unattached, stone body that went by the name of Marie, and said to her maybe we could snag a ride out to Shevlin Park, where we could join all the other seniors who were skipping that day.

I guess Marie had never heard any of the locker room talk about me. You know how some people have belly buttons that are concave (inny) and some that are convex (outy)? I had the only inny wang in the whole school. But I thought that maybe if it got hard it might be enough to make an impression. So, anyway, Marie said yes.

I rounded up my buddy, Jack, who allowed as how he could get his Momma's car to transport the three of us. Before heading out, Marie volunteered two quarts of beer from her Momma's stash. I guess all my Momma contributed was me.

So off we went. En route, we spied another car ahead of us and I importuned ol' Jack, "Catch up, see who that is!" So Jack speeds up in that 1938 Dodge, hits a soft shoulder and rolls the car. None of us has a seat belt (this being before the invention of Allstate and before the invention of gasbags), so we go flying through the air inside the car. Inexplicably, I wind up atop Marie -- JUST LIKE I PLANNED ALL ALONG! It was the right position, but the wrong time.

Nobody was much hurt. But there were two tragedies: I never got laid until I got to college, and both quarts of beer was busted.

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I read this: It is Stop Snoring Week in Great Britain, and one of the ideas was "Tape the snorer's lips together." A doctor in Glasgow said, "Obviously this requires caution and should not be used where the snorer has any breathing difficulties." No shit.

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Ultraspy says:

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxative. Then you will be afraid to cough.